Thursday, December 31, 2009

Farewell ' 09

Inspired by Raen and a few others, I've decided to make a list of a few of my top nine of '09.

The 9 Best [Or Most Memorable] Events of 2009:
1. CleanPlace Moot and after-moot mini-moot in August.
2. Skillet concert in September (Particularly getting noticed by John during "It's Not Me, It's You." That memory never fails to brighten my mood) and the fun afterward.
3. Staying with Lu in WA in July
4. Singing with Raen and Younger Fern at Moot. (I know that could fit under "Moot," but it's more special than just that.)
5. Phone calls with Linny. I know it's not any one event, but it counts for me.
6. Getting my puppy, Lucy, in November.
7. CP Mini-Moot Christmas Party
8. Joining CleanPlace in March
9. Skit practice at the Moot Lock-In.

9 Favorite Movies I saw in 2009:
1. Born of Hope
2. The Illusionist
3. The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
4. Serenity
5. Up
6. Merlin's Apprentice
7. Return of the King
8. 10 Things I Hate About You
9. The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe

The 9 Best Places I Visited in 2009:
1. Bear Trap Ranch, CO
2. WA and the Pacific Coast
3. Renaissance Festival
4. The top of the cliff behind the lodge at BTR.
5. Chipotle in CO.
6. Lu's house and her yard swing.
7. CleanPlace (It's a place, look at the name.)
8. Kate's house
9. Stone Mountain concert field

9 Awesome People I Met for the First Time in 2009: (In order of meeting them as far as I recall)
1. Kate

2. Lu

3. San

4. Linny

5. Raen

6. Flynn

7. Celeris

8. Lady Fern (Both parts of "her." It's not cheating. :6:)

9. Legolas

9 Favorite Songs in 2009:
1. Lion by Rebecca St. James
2. The Last Night by Skillet
3. Forgiven by Skillet
4. Whispers in the Dark by Skillet
5. Imperfections by Skillet
6. Antidote by B. Reith
7. Sorrow by Flyleaf
8. White Horse by Taylor Swift
9. Fully Alive by Raen and me

9 Good Books I Read in 2009:
1. The Truth About Forever--Sarah Dessen
2. Along for the Ride--Sarah Dessen
3.City of Bones--Cassandra Clare
4.Yours to Command--Fan-fiction author
5. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban--J. K. Rowling
6. Montmorency--Eleanor Updale
7. Snow Queen--Mercedes Lackey
8. Sandry's Book--Tamora Peirce
9.Song of Erin--B. J. Hoff

9 Miscellaneous Things I Learned in 2009:
1. Asking for prayer doesn't make you weak.
2. Guys are honestly not worth the stress when you're still too young to marry.
3. Sometimes a brief message from a busy friend saying that they love you can make all the difference.
4. Sometimes it's better to just shut up and listen and keep your advice to yourself.
5. However, if you have something that you feel needs to be said, waiting for a "good moment" only makes things worse.
6. Things get handled a lot better if you don't loose your temper.
7. Even when things seem the darkest, the stars are always there.
8. Allowing yourself to be yourself is okay. So is enjoying doing so.
9. I am loved by God and by friends.

10 Things To Do in 2010:
1. Go to Moot 2010
2. Go to MoMoCon
3. Go to AtlantaFest
4. Learn some ballet
5. Take vocal lessons
6. Learn to play guitar better
7. Learn to play guitar better
8. Finish a story/novel/series
9. Learn to communicate better with others
10. Get ready for college

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Flyleaf and a Mirror

So... I'm really bad about making posts I said I'd make. But oh well.

I'm listening to Flyleaf's newest CD online for the first time. I've usually avoided Flyleaf because it often has a bad effect on me, but I'd heard so much good about this album that after talking to Linny today, I decided to try it. I love it. There was maybe one song that effected me a bit, but I was vacuuming at the time and stressed with my mom, so it might have been the result of anything, really. Anyway, the CD is so going on my Christmas list. We'll see if I get it. My mom still doesn't fully appreciate Flyleaf. I can't understand why. I mean, it's not like my sister and I introduced her to them with a clip of I'm So Sick. *oops*

My sister is reading over my shoulder. I'm teasing her, telling her she's not allowed to read this. Well, technically, it ISN'T for her to read, but I don't really mind her "eavesdropping"at the moment. But she just walked away anyway.

I really should go and move furniture... We're getting a new entertainment center today and I need to make room. But this chair is comfortable, the music is immersing, and the net addictive.

Anyway, I guess I'll get to the point of this post since I don't have time to really ramble.

The past... oh, week, I guess, has been a struggle for me. I haven't been dancing as much as I usually do, and on top of that, I finally have an appetite of sorts again. As a result, I've gained a bit of weight. Not a lot, I suppose (I still fit into my size three jeans), but enough that I feel disgustingly fat. Ever since my nearly a year-long struggle with borderline anorexia summer of '07-'08, my weight and figure have been something I constantly find myself dwelling on. This past week has been a battle to not do something drastic. There have been a few times where I've considered just locking myself up in my room again like I used to and skipping food entirely. However, my development of hypoglycemia makes that an unwise and potentially dangerous move. Therefore, I've been pushing myself to eat, and end up eating more than I normally would. This makes me hate myself even more and it becomes just an endless cycle...

I'm just so tired of letting the appearance of my body determine so much about the way I live... but it's not as easy a thing to change as it should be. I've been stuck in this mindset for so many years. And with my mom always getting on my back about needing to exercise more and eat more healthily, the pressure I put on myself is only multiplied... Last summer I got so many comments about how thin I looked. This school year I start back and one of the first things my teacher says to me is that she's glad I've filled out some. *sighs* It's hard. I feel ugly in so many other ways--my skin is less than smooth, my hair isn't as full or as smooth or as lovely colored as the next girl, I wear glasses, my teeth aren't perfectly white... Being "thin," flexible, having a dancer's body of sorts was the one thing about my looks that I could actually control. And now I feel like it's all crumbling down. I'm feeling just as ugly and worthless as I did for so long in '07 and '08.

I keep thinking of Barlow Girl's song Mirror. "Mirror ... Who are you to tell me that I'm less than what I should be? Who are you? Who are you? I don't need to listen to the list of things I should be, I won't try. I won't try." I've known the song for years and like it a lot... but even in the best of times I've never been able to sing it as if I fully mean it. I do let the mirror tell me whether I'm good enough or not. I've heard all of the messages about God making us how we are and about us all being beautiful in His sight, but I find myself always struggling to believe that it can be true. And even when I can convince myself of that, I find it hard--if not impossible--to value his opinion more than others. I have such a want and desire for acceptance by others. Their opinions matter so much to me at times. I want their good opinion. I want to be beautiful in THEIR sight. And so rarely do I feel so...

It's funny. I can look at a girl, any girl really, that our culture would deem plain or ugly... and I can always find at least two or three things about her that makes her better than me. And when I look in the mirror, all I can see is how much I'm not like her. I see beauty in others so easily, but my mirror is my harshest judge and I can see little of worth in it's reflection...

I guess if anyone sees this and doesn't come out of it thinking "That vain, annoying brat," I'd appreciate any prayer they're willing to offer. Prayer that I can get past this hate-filled outlook on myself. And that my focus can turn to getting my body healthy rather than just thin...

I don't really know if all of this is making sense. I'm just feeling overwhelmed and lost and wanted to get this out somewhere...

Sorry for the drearier turn of this post. I hope I haven't turned any of my (few) readers off of my blog completely.

God bless all of you. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Saturday, September 12, 2009


12:50 PM.

It's been a long time since I've updated this and I have a lot to say that I know I won't get to right now, but I'll try to say at least a little of it. The house is quiet, Skillet is playing, and I have words that should be said.

This summer has been... something unlike any other. It's had highs I couldn't imagine, and even though there have been drastic lows, I don't think there's been anything to equal the worst. I guess maybe this summer has been the best I can remember. Certain parts have been, for sure.

The early part was hard. My best friend went to live in CO as a live in helper for a friend up there and I hardly got any chance to speak with her. I still haven't really. However, this situation did give me the chance to get to know another dear friend much better and I also found myself beginning to come out of my shell a little and talking with some people that I otherwise might not have.

Then in July I was given the opportunity to go up to WA for a week to stay with a DioM friend. I took the chance for a few reasons: I got to spend time with a good friend and meet a few others I might never have otherwise, I got to experience visiting the other side of the country, and I got away from home for a while. I have to admit that things were so stressful at the time the chance came up that the last might have been my biggest reason initially, but it turned out to be a wonderful thing. I got to really bond with my friend and she's now like a little sister to me. In addition, that was the first trip that I managed to really retain my friendship with the person through, and it was a blessing. Even if some things went badly, I'm glad I went.

6:24 PM.

It's many hours later as I got interrupted, but I'm really wanting to blog right now. I have other things I should be doing, but I need to get some thoughts out.

Anyway. The trip to WA was a good set up for a trip I went on only a couple weeks later--CleanPlace Moot 2009.

For a while I was worried that I wouldn't be able to make Moot. Finances were tight with my family, I couldn't find a job, and other similar things. When I found out that the last person I would really have considered a close friend had the time was being forced to give up on making to the conference, I pretty much decided to give up. It was a really hard decision. In the beginning I had only wanted to go in order to see Liss and then Linny when she decided to try to go, but somewhere along the way I found myself really wanting to go just for the sake of going, not just because of who was going. Having to give up on that hope then was really hard. I was really devastated and ended up crying in front of my parents when it was mentioned for only the second time in years. A couple days later my dad told me that he had gotten an outside job that would be paying well and that he would help me with the money towards Moot.

However, I am being called away once again and I believe I shall make a separate post later about Moot. I want very much to.

But for now, farewell. I must go work on my room so that an in-depth make over of my room can be begun. So off I go into the world of cleaning. I wonder what books on tape I have on hand...

No galu govad gen, mellyn nin.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Quick post...

I have to run out to church in a minute, but Matt and I have challenged ourselves to get to the point when we can do (me) 200 and (him) 400 sit-ups a night by next Ren Faire... so we'rte going to keep our "daily" track record here. So.

Day One: 20

I know, lame, but they really are hard to do properly and all at once!

I'll post more about the Ren Faire later... but for now I'll leave y'all with:


Wednesday, May 27, 2009

New Book by Bryan Davis!

The Echoes from the Edge series by best-selling author Bryan Davis is an exciting, action-packed adventure/fantasy that's great for anyone 13 and up. If you like mystery and suspense, you'll love this book.In celebration of the latest release in the series, the author is selling autographed copies of the first book, Beyond the Reflection's Edge, for only $5 plus shipping. Here is a link for that deal: Here is the series website: You can also get it at any online bookstore.

To see a trailer about the series and the latest book in particular, watch here!

Monday, May 25, 2009

Skillet's new songs!

Though I haven't known about Skillet for a full year, I became a fan fast. I know every song from their newest two CDs and love all of them. And now they have two new songs out! Woot! I already have Monster memorized, and the radio station I just started listening to online plays Hero!!! YES! It just finished playing and I had to share my excitement. *grins*

I've begun working on Salt&Light again too. I think I'm going to need to make sure we get an article about Skillet's new songs/CD(coming out in August) in there. It's way too good to pass up. I wonder if any CPers will be interested in helping out with the magazine... I want to try to get the first issue out by the end of Summer, but I need more recruits first. Out of the 35 we had last time, we're down to less than a dozen. But I only started it up again the other day.

In case any of you are interested, I have a temporary site that I've been playing around with here. Look out, music starts on the home page and it can be a little loud. I think the song suits our mission though.

Anyway, taking off now. Thanks for reading my ramblings once again.

God bless, my friends.


Saturday, May 16, 2009

School's out!

Yup, Summer break has arrived. So long it's been... a time of recuperation, I guess. A lot of sleeping. I got to talk to a couple friends for a while today, though. Now I'm sitting here in my summer cloak, hood up over my headphones, listening to music and chatting with Liss.

I honestly have like nothing to say. I've been reading a bit. Here's my list of book I've read this week.

Princess Ben
Mindwarp 5: Shapeshifter
Mindwarp 6: (can't remember)

Still need to finish Inkheart. I think I'm going to finish it in book form rather than CD. I just haven't really been listening to the CD in a while.

I also want to finish the old P&P this week. I got through the first part on Youtube the other day, but it's hard to find a time where me, Mindless, and my mom can all sit down to watch it undisturbed.

Oh well. I'm going to end this. I have nothing to say. :P

God Bless.


Friday, May 8, 2009

No Pain, No Gain

10:23 pm.

So, this title could easily indicate a deep, meaningful post... but it doesn't. All it means is that my back is absolutely killing me, but I got a good bit done on my dress. I have almost the entire top part done. The right sleeve just needs to be attached. True, I should have been working on my Squab... but I was in the mood to sew. I was listening to Inkheart on CD too and it had me really caught up in the story.

Today's been long, but not as long as some recent days. I'm so glad school is almost over, though-

Oh shoot, I forgot I needed to write journal entries today. Meh. Now I have to do a bunch before bed.

Anyway, I'm glad school is almost over. It's been a difficult year. I just hope I have some time to breathe this summer. I'm planning on having Ema come down in July and I need to finish up Chemistry and Math as well as try to save up enough money for Moot in August... Plus I want to try to get some private lessons for dance and then maybe compete in the regional championship in December (in Texas) so I can have a better chance of meeting Linny. So, yeah. A lot to do.

I plan on catching up on sleep before starting on any of that, though.

And maybe remembering how to live properly.

I refound a fan-fic I adore today, Yours To Command. It's an LotR one about Éomer and Lothíriel. So pretty. :D

Um... wow... Talking with Ema on chat... She worries me sometimes. O_o

*tries to pop spine into place* I wish I could pop my own back like some people can. Or better yet, that Liss was here to do it for me. Maybe I will have to go to the chiropractor soon...

Well, I have little else to say. So I won't try to say anything.

God Bless, my friends.


Wednesday, May 6, 2009


So alone... so lonely... so tired...

Why can't I do anything right?

I just hurt everyone, don't I? I shouldn't be allowed around others...

I just mess up again and again and again...

Monday, May 4, 2009


6:03 pm.

I think my computer may have just lost the assignment I've been spending all day working on... It's due tomorrow and if it's lost I'm going to cry. I swear.

I'm listening to Tuck Everlasting music to try to relax. This one the most.

It's so beautiful... I want to watch the movie now, though...

I really really hope my stupid movie maker program unfreezes. I do NOT want to have to do the assignment over again!


1:57 pm.

I don't know what to do about a lot of stuff... I talked to a friend last night and came away with a lot more questions and no answers. I lay in bed thinking about it for a long time last night and the only answer I could piece together is one I don't want to face. I just wish I could shut down the world for a while.

I had an interesting dream last night, but it's fading. All I remember now is that it was VERY loosely inspired by Bloodhound. Which was a good book, by the way.

Now I must get back to my 25 page report and stop procrastinating.

God Bless.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Sorrow lasts through this night...


Right now I'm not sure if this song is hopeful or not... It makes me feel better, though. Life has been difficult the past few days and I'm getting tired...

by Flyleaf

Sometimes life seems to quiet
Into paralyzing silence
Like the moonless dark
Meant to make me strong

Familiar breath of my old lies
Changed the color in my eyes
Soon he will perforate the fabric of the peaceful by and by

Sorrow lasts through this night
I'll take this piece of you
And hope for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole
As you flew right through me

Left alone with only reflections of the memory
To face the ugly girl that's smothering me
Sitting closer than my pain
He knew each tear before it came
Soon He will perforate the fabric of the peaceful by and by

Sorrow last through this night
I'll take this piece of You
And hope for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole
As You flew right through me

And we kiss each other one more time
And sing this lie that's halfway mine
The sword is slicing through the question
So I won't be fooled by his angel light

Sorrow lasts through this night
I'll take this piece of you
And hope for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole
As you flew right through me
And up into the stars

Joy will come

Friday, May 1, 2009


9:31 pm.

I've been able to talk to Liss (online) for a total of an hour and a half over the past three days. And she's on a retreat until Sunday afternoon... So no contact until then. It's been hard... I'm used to being in frequent contact with her. And now it's kind of like withdrawl. I'm basically just numb and passive... Trying not to let the loneliness crush me. I have little interest in anything right now... but it should pass in a few days.

A fresh storm just rolled in. I should open the window to smell it... But my dad and brothers are getting home now.

The only real good news (for me) about this weekend is that my mom's at a retreat as well and I don't have to deal with her this weekend on top of everything else.

I'm reading a lot. That's about the only way I can keep from drowning in all of this. It's got me pretty fully disconnected, though.

Anyway, I'm going to end this and heat up the greenbeans for my family's dinner. I wonder if we're going to watch a movie tonight...

Later, y'all.


Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Song of my life

This song pretty much describes my life...

"Much Like Falling"

When I said good morning
I was lying
I was truly thinking of
How I might quit waking up

She pointed out how selfish
It would be kill myself
So I keep waking up

It feels so much like falling
Dying while I wait to die
The fear of something or nothing
Lonely empty lie

I don't want to be a liar
I don't want to be selfish anymore
I want so much to change
Learning your love everyday
There's still so much to know

You grip my wrists
I let go

It feels so much like falling
Separated from the fear
Aware of a destination far away from here

It feels so much like falling
Separated from the fear
Aware of a destination far away from here
Far away from here

Several other songs do as well. Maybe I'll find them later, but right now I'm too tired...

Monday, April 27, 2009

Oops I did it again...

I screwed up.


Why do I always do this?

Sunday, April 19, 2009

"Children's Play"

Prompt 18: Write a poem with an interaction of some sort.

Written: April 19

"Children's Play"

She sits quietly, enjoying her solitude
as she plays with her doll.
No interest is shown to the other children
who bustle around with
their voices raised in play.
She rocks her baby gently,
tender care bestowed upon the worn
plastic. Sweet melodies are whispered
into the doll's ear and it is clear
that the two are in a world of their own.

The girl is oblivious to the timid approach
of another child, a little boy, aware
that he is intruding on something
he was not invited to join.
He sits on the floor a few feet away
and watches silently. The girl is still locked
inside her imagination. Scooting carefully,
the boy edges closer until he is beside
the other child and can hear
her whispered song. He waits until
the melody is finished before he asks,
"Can I be the daddy?"

The little girl opens her eyes quickly and stares
at the little intruder beside her.
She examines him, a solemnness in her eyes.
Finally she asks, "Do you yell?"
The boy shakes his head earnestly.
"Do you hit people?" the girl asks again.
The boy shakes his head once more.
The girl studies him for a long moment,
then carefully hands over the little
doll. "Yes," she tells him. "you can be the daddy."

"Origin of Mistrust"

Prompt 1: Write an origin poem. It can be the origin of a word, person, plant, idea, etc. Have fun with it.

Written: April 17

"Origin of Mistrust"

She sits in her crib and listens
as he bellows and she screams
and their voices bring tears to
her tiny eyes, but she doesn't make
a sound.

She hides behind the couch and listens
as he rages and she cries out in pain
and the thud of her body brings tears to
her little eyes, but she doesn't make
a sound.

She huddles under the table and listens
as he throws the bottle across the room
and the shattering glass brings fear to
her young eyes, but she doesn't make
a sound.

She cowers against the wall and listens
as he screams that she's worthless
and the hateful words bring pain to
her too old eyes, but she doesn't make
a sound.

She lies broken on the floor and listens
as he stumbles off to find another beer
and blood on her face brings distance to
her guarded eyes, but she doesn't make
a sound.

"Black Panther"

Prompt 4: Pick an animal; make that animal the title of your poem; then, write a poem.

Written: April 17

"Black Panther"

Dark and slender like water
given form. Black water that speaks
of poison that can kill
in a heartbeat. He crawls through
my dreams and I know from his eyes
that there is no escape and I can never
outrun his shadowy form.
Sharp claws glint in
the moonlight and I feel a
shiver up my spine. Darkness is
his protection and there is none
for me.

"All I Want Is A Breath"

Prompt: Write a poem with the following title: "All I want is (blank)," where you fill in the blank with a word or phrase of your choosing.

April 17

"All I Want Is A Breath"

Gasping, twisting,
turning, squirming,
burning lungs constrict,
trying to inhale
in this crushing darkness
of the water.
Light fading out
far above my
head and I
know that my
hope is futile and
in moments I
will drown.
A prayer through
my lips, exhaled
on my final
And then I am


Prompt: Pick a color, make that the title of your poem, and write a poem that is inspired by that color.

April 16


Swelling and dancing out under
the open sky, the ocean
reflects the light
in rainbows.

Playing with the strands of my
hair, the gentle wind
caresses my soul
and soothes me.

Sweet melodies flowing from the
silver length, the flute
reminds me of what
it's like to rest.

Laying on my back in the grass and
watching the branches sway
above my head, which swims
with memories

of freedom.

Happy 19th of April! :P

1:28 pm.

I'm afraid I've found myself rather behind in posting the poems I've been writing. I'm going to work on remedying that this afternoon.

I wore my cape to church today. I got a lot fewer odd looks than when I wear my full length cloak. I think that's a good thing. I'm glad I brought it. I was a lot cooler than I had anticipated.

A guest pastor did the service today. He's one we've had before and I like him. He and his wife are hoping to go to Scotland for mission work this summer! I'm a touch envious, but I wish them luck.

I need to work on editing Jack's Tale, so I'm going to take off, post a couple poems and get to work on that.

No galu govad gen, mellyn nîn!


Saturday, April 18, 2009

Irony is my life.

11:04 pm.

So... We went out today for hours to look for a dress for me to wear to my co-op's formal. We spent from about five hours out looking. The irony?

The only dress that worked was one we found at the first store. It was frustrating.

We have to go back on Monday to pick it up and I'm not exactly thrilled about that. I'm going to have to find shoes that go with it too. Hopefully, that goes faster.

Good news, I finished my cape today. Unfortunately, I lost my camera so I can't get pictures of it yet. I'll try to get some soon, though. It's not perfect, but it came out alright. It should work with my dress, I guess. Although the machine stitching is obvious. Not that I was going to hand stitch it. *rolls eyes*

I'm feeling rather lonely today... Since Liss is leaving on the 29th, this weekend would have been my last chance to see her for any length of time... it didn't happen. I've been trying not to cry when thinking about it...

My keyboard cut out in the middle of the above sentence and my mood has been worsened. I'm going to end this here.

No galu govad gen.


(11:29 pm)

Friday, April 17, 2009

Boredom does exist.

7:42 pm.

Finally I'm writing before a quarter to midnight! Not that I have much more to say. But this post will probably end up being pretty long anyway.

I've been working on my Ren. dress some today. It's coming along slowly. I'm nearly finished with my sister's dress, though. I just need to check the hem length. I'm about... a fourth of the way done with my cape as well. I might try to finish both of those up tonight. I think I may have time. Unless we do a family movie. I'd actually like to do that... For one. Miracle, eh?

I wrote several poems this afternoon. Mostly going back and doing some of the older Poem-A-Day prompts. They came out alright, though most of them are a tad dark. Not horrid, though.

Speaking of dark, I should probably post some of my short stories here eventually. I can't really put them anywhere else, but, so long as no one who reads this minds dark writing, I should be alright putting them here. I wonder where the one I wrote at Ryn's party went...

Maybe I'll also post The Little Children... I should dig that up again and do some work on it. I scared my teacher when she read it. She wondered if I had actually suffered child abuse. :P Not quite. I still like the story, though I didn't do it justice. Maybe I'd be able to fix it now that I've learned so much from CleanPlace.

And on the note of CP... I made a mistake today. >_< The rule is to only post two poems a day, and I new it, but I forgot and accidentally posted three. *headdesks* Nia was really nice, though. She just reminded me and told me to only post one tomorrow. It's still a bit embarrassing, though...

I'm getting really hungry... I think I'm going to stop blogging as I'm typing a whole lot to say nothing.

No galu govad gen. May blessings go with you.


(8:04 pm)

Thursday, April 16, 2009


I forgot to blog, but I'm too tired to care.

I finished Lock and Key.

Started City of Ashes.

Worked on my report.

Wrote a bad poem.

Have a headache.

Goodnight. More tomorrow.



So, I was cutting so near to midnight that I decided to use "The Laundry Man" as my post for Wednesday. :P I knew I didn't have time to make a proper blog post for today.

*sighs* My parents are fighting about my dad's job. Again. And now they're talking about me, I think. *headdesks* Mlek.

I got to go to the library today. I got three research books about Leonardo Da Vinci for my research paper, three books for myself, and a book to read to my siblings. The books I got are:

City of Ember by Jeanne DuPrau (I LOVED the movie and wanted to read the book.)

City of Ashes by Cassandra Clare (Sequel to City of Bones, which ended up being really good.)

Lock&Key by Sandra Dessan (I love all of her books, and this is the first I've found in a while that I haven't read.)

And also:

The Tale of Despereaux by Kate DiCamillo (To be read with my siblings in preparation of watching the movie.)

I'm looking forward to reading the books. They all look good. Hopefully all the homework I have coming up won't kill me. >_< I have to write that super essay for Advanced Comp. and make an elaborate presentation for Lit. The presentation is due May 5th. *headdesks* I'm going to have to scramble.

I also need to try to get my Ren. dress done by May 7th. >_< Can you say busy much? I hope I can get it all done without going crazy. I work well under short deadlines, but not when I feel overloaded. Then I freeze up and get nothing done. It's a trait I despise.

Anyway, I'm feeling a bit ill still and am going to end this off.

Blessing to you all.


Wednesday, April 15, 2009

"The Laundry Man"

"For today's prompt, I want you to take the title of a poem you especially like (by another poet) and change it. Then, with this new altered title, I want you to write a poem. An example would be to take William Carlos Williams' "The Red Wheelbarrow" and change it to "The Red Volkswagon." Or take Frank O'Hara's "Why I Am Not a Painter" and change it to "Why I Am Not a Penguin." You get the idea, right? (Note: Your altered poem does NOT have to follow the same style as the original poet, though you can try if you wish.)"

Chosen poem: The Highway Man by Alfred Noyes

"The Laundry Man"

The floor was a turmoil of fabric among the mussy beds,
The dressers overflowing their drawers with many dangling threads,
The sea was a jumble of colors upon the buried wood,
And the laundry man came collecting-
The laundry man came collecting just as I knew he would.

His bag was slung over his shoulder, a pant leg at his throat,
His clothes were worn and old, and he wore a dirty coat.
I wondered as I saw him how he got the clothing clean,
But he carried out the laundry,
The dirty, smelling laundry,
He carried out the laudry, so I knew not to be mean.

He climbed up on the stair; he scarce could reach the door,
But I handed out the basket and he took it in a blink,
As he dumped the stinking bundle in the bag 'long with the rest,
And he took the stinking pile,
(Oh, the dirty, stinking pile!)
Then he tossed the bag over his shoulder, and wandered away to the West.

And still of an early morn, they say, when the laundry's on the floor,
When the smell fills up the house till you can't take it anymore,
When the fabric fills the house so there's nowhere to escape,
The laundry man comes collecting-
Collecting- collecting-
The laundry man comes collecting, wearing a dirty cape.


12:14 am (I got complaints about the lack of time stamps :P)

Okay, so it's after midnight, so it's not technically Tuesday anymore, but I'm still awake from Tuesday, so I think it counts.

I'm exhausted. I've been weak, shaky, dizzy, and a bit nauseous all day. Not that it got me out of school. *rolls eyes* I had Geography and Lit and then sat out of dance writing this evening. I've had a fairly normal day despite my illness making everything hazy, which I hate. I probably won't remember much of the day by tomorrow.

That might be a good thing. I had a few dark patches... Managed to get out unscathed, however. That's a gigantic plus.

Anyway, I feel as if my head is trying to detach itself from my body, so I'm going to head off to bed.

Take care, all.

God Bless.


Monday, April 13, 2009

"The Unaware"

I opened a book at random and jabbed my finger down on six different pages. The words I landed on are the words I used as the endings for my lines. The result was rather interesting...

Words used: Unaware, city, pages, fearful, father, unable.

"The Unaware"

I remember the days of innocence, unaware
that such places as this city
existed outside of the pages
of a book. Now I find myself fearful,
even of my own father,
and I know that despite my wish to help, I am unable.

It kills me inside that I am unable
to fix what was done while, unaware,
I took the word of my father
that we would be say in this city.
And now I lie awake fearful
of what I must write on these pages.

For upon these pages
I have decided to tell what I am unable
to undo. But I am fearful
of discovery, for it is better to be unaware
of the truth in this city
where one cannot trust their own father.

I remember the words of my father
and his reassuring smile as he signed the pages
that bound us forever to this city.
I recall how I tried to stop him, but was unable
to change his mind. Perhaps he was unaware
of the truth, but with so much betrayal, I’m fearful.

I despise the fact that I am so fearful,
but I will not give in. Not like my father.
Though when it began I was unaware,
I know now and my testimony is on these pages.
Even if I am forever unable,
I will never stop trying to leave this city.

I tremble now at what I know of the city.
For the lives of my family and friends I am fearful.
If it was found out what I know, I would be unable
to save myself or them, even my father
who is under their control. I wet these pages
with tears, knowing that all of this is because we were unaware.

But I am determined to escape the city and save my friends and my father.
However, I admit I am fearful of discovery of my plans on these pages,
For, if discovered, I will be unable to save any of those still unaware.

Interesting day.

Woke up at 8am to complete silence. My music had gone off as had my space heater and all other electronic noise. I opened my eyes to see that the hall light I used to keep out the total blackness was out as well. I realized the power had gone out again, remembered the storm last night, and went back to sleep. When I woke up to the alarm on my cellphone, it was still dark. The lights didn't come back on until around 4:30 pm. That's the longest power outage I recall being in. It was a real pain not to be able to get online or really listen to any music. It was also rather annoying to have to spend all day upstairs with the family (my room was pitch black), but as a whole it wasn't too bad. I got a couple poems written and read a new book. It was rather creepy. I wasn't fond of the ending either. Anyway, I've missed my friends, but I survived.

Well, It's only about 6:20, but I'm already exhausted and rather brain-dead. I'm going to end this and hopefully put together a make-up entry tomorrow.

I do have a second poem for today, though, which I'll post right after this.

Love in Christ.
No galu govad gen.


"Singing Freedom"

Prompt: Write about a hobby.

April 13, 2009

"Singing Freedom"

Starting out soft
just above
a whisper,
timid and shy about
being heard.
Words dancing in
the air and building
my confidence
so it grows.
Rising, swelling above
the quite noise
of the earth.
Blending with
the melody that is
the breath of life.
Smile spreading across
my face; stress and fear
melting away,
carried by the tide of
my voice
as it is lifted in
a spiral of notes and words
that shape pictures
in my mind;
pictures of peace.
My heart follows the melody and,
for once, I can be

"So We Decided To Fly"

Prompt: Take the phrase "So we decided to (blank)" and fill in the blank.

April 12, 2009

"So We Decided To Fly"

They told us that we could never
be anything more than
what we are, but you never believed
what they said and you laughed.
So we decided to be more.

They told us that we could never
know as much as those with
better breeding; that we would always
be less. But I knew better and laughed.
So we decided to learn.

They told us that we could never
escape the trap we were in and that
we would always view the world
through a cage. But you saw a way out.
So we decided to run.

They told us we could never
run from the past; that it would always
haunt us. But we looked at each other and
knew that we could win.
So we decided to fly.

I forgot!

No excuses. I just forgot to blog the past two days. I'm sorry! Not that I think you mind the break from my ramblings. :P However, I thought I might as well get back into it now before I forget again.

A lot of people made wonderful, touching, beautiful posts about Easter... but I have none to make. I'm sorry. Today's been too weird and I keep forgetting it's Sunday, let alone the Sunday it is. So I'll wait until I'm a little more coherent. Maybe tomorrow.

I've had an interesting time today. Some stuff caught me off guard. It doesn't help that I'm still sick. My stomach rejected lunch today. That's the first time that's happened in a long time. I liked it better when my gag reflex was much reduced. Hopefully I get better soon.

I despise being sick.

I did write a new poem, though. This one for the National Poem-A-Day challenge. It came out alright... but the original idea was far better. However, I lost it the moment I began to type it up. I hate when that happens, don't you?

Anyway, I just got done watching iRobot with my sister and dad. It was pretty good, though a bit much language wise. I've decided that yes, I find Will Smith attractive. I've never really been sure before. I mean, he's not quite Owen Wilson, but he's got the whole not-a-blonde thing against him. *grins* I admit it. I have a thing for blonde-haired, blue-eyed guys. Especially when the hair's a little long and shaggy around the face. *grins again* But I'll stop rambling. I'm sure you don't care.

Anyway, I'm going to cut this off now and go ahead and post. Hope everyone had a wonderful Easter!

Love to you all!


Friday, April 10, 2009

Rambling again...

I had nightmares again last night. I hate that. They were creepy, for the most part. In one I had a best friend who died and then came back as a ghost. In another my parents were aliens or something (that one was weird). And I don't remember the third one. It was an interesting night. Liss pulled an all-nighter which I'm displeased about, but at least she's doing alright. I should send her to bed soon.

I need to get my ECP poem posted on CP today. I have the first written, though not yet edited. I should try to post it now rather than waiting. So far I typically do the Squabbles and whatnot the first day of the challenge. I'd hate to break my record.

*sighs* I really really wanted to see Liss again before she left for the summer... but every day draws closer to her departure... by now the chance of me seeing her is slim to nothing. I hate that... I'm feeling so lonely here lately... and now the person closest to me who really actually cares (other than a guy :ninja:) is leaving to go many states away... It's just... rough, I guess.

I'm not really sure what I'm talking about, so I'm going to stop and possible get my notebook so I can do something productive. :P


Thursday, April 9, 2009

CP Squabble April 9-15

Challenge: Write a free verse poem, using this line: Sometimes laughter tastes like cranberries, as your opening OR ending line.

You may start with that line, or use it as the final line, but it MUST be in one of those two locations. Your poem must be free verse (click for info), and should be between 8 and 16 lines long.

Genre: Poetry
Line Count: 8-16 lines


-Cranberry Kiss-

We wandered down the path and laughed as we
dreamed of our future together.
I watched as you popped the red berry
in your mouth and told me this was forever.
You kissed me then and the sour red juice trickled
down our chins. I remember when
you walked away and left me alone,
tears pouring down my cheeks,
and I swore I'd never be happy again.
Time passing and seasons changing
and the pain fading slowly, little by little,
and sometimes I'd find myself
smiling or laughing and it felt sour on my lips,
but underneath it was sweet. Like your kiss.
And I learned that there can be healing and that
sometimes laughter tastes like cranberries.

Going on again.

I'm not feeling much better today. I hate being sick. I think it should be outlawed.

They had a new member joining on CleanPlace today. It seems weird to be barely full member status and already have a new batch of newbies. Might just be me, though.

I worked on one of my poems for the ECP (Extra Credit Project) yesterday and was pretty pleased with its turn out... then found out today that Nia limited the poems to twenty lines! I have twenty-eight! *headdesks* I hate writing short poems, so I'm a little disappointed. I guess I'm going to need to do some editing. At least it's free verse. I can probably just lenghten the lines. It's only three stanzas.

-Many hours later-

Well, I got distracted by the phone. Liss called. After that I got to talk to Linny for four hours. :D That was awesome. My day actually turned around quite well. I got back online and did the poem for the CP squabble and I'll post that right after this. It came out alright. It was really hard to keep it within the word limit, though. How am I going to manage the twenty line ECP limit??

Linny I discussed poetry to some length today and I realized again how much of my poetry (and short stories) is dark. I guess it's like the said, they're always more emotional and, hence, typically turn out better. At least for me. I'd love to read some of Linny's poems,but she says she's never going to post them. Maybe someday I can convince her to show me a few, though. *innocent grin*

Have I rambled long enough? I'm sitting here waiting for Lisse to get online so I can talk to her before bed. She's due in about thirty minutes. Maybe I should try to eat first? A quesadia for breakfast and that handful of chocolate chips a few minutes ago probably doesn't qualify as a full day's nutrition. :oops:

Not that it was intentional. I just forgot to eat while I was on the phone and I didn't get off until almost eight. And then I forgot again. I'm a bit ADD today. I was everywhere while on the phone with Linny. Especially while trying to figure out the patterns.

*laughs* My brother's watching 3-2-1-Penguins. I remember when that show first came out. It was really different from Veggie Tales. Both are now my baby brother's favorites.

I don't recall what I've said about my brother... He's the youngest of the five of us. He just turned five and he has Down's Syndrome. He's adorable. I love my baby. *huggles him*

I think I'm done going on now. I'll spare your poor eyes.

Until next time,

Wednesday, April 8, 2009


So I feel terrible. >_< I was alright most of the day. Went out, babysat, got the fabric for my dress, and came home. I felt a little ill, but I could handle it. I talked to Liss, I don't remember for how long. I don't even remember much of the conversation. I must have zoned out. I guess I fell asleep afterward because I woke up maybe a half hour ago...

And I feel awful. Really sick. My mouth tastes disgusting and I can't get rid of it. I haven't eaten in almost nine hours, which could have something to do with it. I think I just heard the car door slam so I think my mom's home. Dinner should be soon.

So yeah, that's about it. Sorry for the whiny nature of this post.


Tuesday, April 7, 2009


I got the front and back panels for Mindless' dress cut out last night. Today I'm going to try to get the side ones done and I'll hopefully be done by tonight. I'm excited. I haven't made a, successful, human sized item in a while. I've missed the process of creating something like that. I'm not great at sewing, but I love doing it nonetheless. I hope to improve and maybe someday I can make things for other people. Perhaps as a way of earning money. (Too bad I'm not that good already. It could have been a good means for earning the money I need for Moot.)

On that note... Moot is coming up fast. I mean, okay, it's four months away. But that's for months to raise around $600! It's only $350 for Moot, but I'm probably going to need plane tickets since I doubt I can get a ride. *sighs* I really, really want to go... but it's seeming unlikely. With my dad making as little as he is it's not like my parents can afford to really contribute at all and since I don't have a job it's going to be really difficult to earn up the money myself. I can start babysitting again... but my only hope is that maybe some of my relatives can help me out by contributing twenty dollars or so apiece... But I feel so guilty asking for money. :oops: I want to go so badly, though. I mean... Writing is what I want to do with my life and Moot is a writing conference. A CHRISTIAN writing conference. And one hosted and attended by people I know, like, and trust. I've been wanting to go to something like this for years... I hate the fact that I may have to miss it... I just hope that maybe God will provide... If you feel led to, please pray for that. That God will provide the means for me to attend. I think it would be good for me... Maybe it would help.

Right now I'm kind of worried about a few things. Prayer would be nice, though it's nothing drastic.

Anyway, I've rambled long enough.


Monday, April 6, 2009

New Look!

I decided to redo my blog. What do you all think of the new design and title? I like it. I'll probably leave it this way for a while. Maybe play around with font colors if I get bored. *grins*

CP Squabble April 2-8

Write a sestina, using these rules.

The catch is that we are giving you your set of six ending words. You MUST use these six words as your ending words, but what order you choose for your first stanza is up to you (as you will see in the rules, the order for the rest of the stanzas is predetermined).

Here are your six ending words:

Genre: Poetry


Lemon of Regret

I sit in the shadow of the old cathedral
and sigh as I read through my childhood journal.
I sigh for those days when we lay on the grass,
building with dreams out splendid boat,
that would take us from home to Kathmandu.
Regret is on my lips like a sugarless lemon.

And I summon forth to me the lemon
as I sit before this cathedral
and remember those fantasies of Kathmandu.
I cry a small tear on the pages of my journal
as I recall how you built your own boat
and I was left with my dreams in the grass.

As I lay that day, alone in the grass,
pain was like a wound drenched in lemon.
I gave up on my dreams and my boat.
Until this day at the old cathedral,
flipping through the pages of my worn, old journal,
I'd forgotten my dreams of Kathmandu.

My mind drifts again to our Kathmandu.
I remember our stories, laughing in the grass,
and I caress your name in my journal.
My eyes burn with fire as if rubbed by a lemon,
then I weep in the shadow of the cathedral.
I weep for my shattered boat.

Blame in my heart rides waves of anger like a boat.
I realize I blame you for losing Kathmandu,
and in shame I cower from the judging cathedral,
justifying myself with abandonment in the grass.
Yet still my heart feels as if squeezed like a lemon
and guilt is increased by my journal.

I slam shut the pages of the accusing journal.
I try to forget the destruction of my boat.
Still, when the hate in my heart feel like a sour lemon,
then I know how to get to Kathmandu.
I wander in a daze to lie in the grass,
leaving behind the silent cathedral.

I open my childhood journal and begin my journey to Kathmandu,
beginning to rebuild my boat as I lie here in the grass.
I add sugar to the sting of lemon and write, "I forgave you at the cathedral."


Clearly, I've gotten off on my temporary post-a-day thing. I'm not sure why.

CleanPlace has been really great. It's not as active as DioM... but it's a lot more active than AP typically is. And I love it. The CPers are amazing and I'm making a few, what I could call, real friends. Linny and I have been talking a lot and I got to talk to Mir on the phone once. Any is pretty awesome and Mar is a lot of fun. I've been talking with one of the other members who came in on my batch, Raquel, as well. It's nice having a lot of new people to talk to. People who I can start fresh with.

In addition I've been getting to talk to some of my old friends again... Admittedly, it's my fault we've been out of contact, but talking to them again is really nice. I've missed them. A lot. So it's really nice to be back in touch.

*sends off a PM to Any* Multitasking is fun.

Well, I'm out of things to say. I'll try to post more later.

Oh! I'm going to post right after this with a challenge I had to do for CP. :D It was random, but fun.


Saturday, April 4, 2009

Random Video

I just found this and it's awesome. :D I thought I'd share this with anyone who cares to look.

Skillet- Open Wounds- Lego Music Video


The one day I really needed to talk to Liss... and she gets grounded. I mean, first I was supposed to go up to visit and that got canceled, then she was supposed to come visit here and I don't think that's going to happen... And now I can't talk to her. *drops head to hands*

Thursday, April 2, 2009

First post of April

I don't have a whole lot to say. Mostly I'm tired. I stayed up all night on Tuesday night. Went to bed around 11 am, slept for a little over an hour talked to a friend. Crashed again from two to five. Then I stayed up till six am this morning I couldn't sleep. I also couldn't eat yesterday. I have no appetite. I feel horrid today. Not all of t is due to exhaustion. I had a pretty good day, I just feel rotten...

And Liss is moving... to CO for the entire summer. I won't see her until August (if I can make it to Moot, which is $350 plus plane tickets... so it's not likely...) or later. She leaves the 29th.

I guess I'm still in shock. I mean, I was looking forward to spending the summer with a best friend for the first time in six years... And now all of my hopes are blown away in a sudden decision on the part of her parents. And the lady she's going to be helping out.

I guess Liss had been thinking and praying about it for a while... But I only found out Tuesday. The day the decision was made.

I'm trying to take it in, I guess...

Anyway... I don't know what to do. I just feel so lost and confused.

Can I find a cave to hide out in for the summer?

Monday, March 30, 2009

A Short Story!

I wrote this for CP, and liked it a bit, so I decided to post it here. Hope you all enjoy!

Word Count: 985


The rustle of feathers and the soft cooing sound of city pigeons.

A little girl’s voice whispered sweet nothings to the creatures as she crouched in the middle of the ocean of grey. She held a handful of breadcrumbs out and the worn concrete of the plaza pulsed with little bodies, each fighting to get a bite of the food.

Blonde curls dancing in the wind and her cheeks dimpled with her delighted smile, the girl looked ethereal. Lost in her own world, she was unaware of the people passing back and forth beyond the sea of birds.

She did not note the entranced gaze of a teenager on a nearby bench.

Miriam stared at the girl, seemingly unable to look away. But it was not the scene before her that she beheld.

“Mommy! Look at me!”

Birds scattered as the childish voice called out. Swirling up, the little girl found herself in the middle of a whirlwind of feathers and beady eyes. The small animals swooped close, near enough that she could feel her hair tangling in their claws.

She laughed, throwing her arms out and spinning with their dance. Freedom filled her soul, though the word was yet unknown to her.

“Miriam! Miriam, be careful!” The woman’s voice held a sense of panic.

The girl stopped spinning and her eyes opened to peer through the fleeing birds in search of her mother. Spotting her, she bounced up and down and giggled.

“Come, mommy! Come and dance!” She waved her hand, then spun around.

She felt her finger catch on something, tugging at her throat before breaking loose with an audible snap and flying away.

“No!” Stopping mid-twirl, the little girl tossed her blonde hair out of her face and looked around frantically. At last, she spotted something glittering on the ground a few yards away and ran toward it.

A large dark shape suddenly swooped before her. Shrieking, she stumbled backwards, then watched in dismay as the ugly black bird scooped up the glittering object and flew off.

“My necklace! No! Come back!” Dismay and determination battling within her, the little girl took off running.

Focused solely on her goal to retrieve her necklace, she was unaware of her surroundings. She heard her mother’s cries as from a distance and ignored them. The bird would not steal from her and get away with it!

When she tripped over the curb and tumbled into the road, she still had no consciousness of where she was nor the increased urgency of her mothers screams. She only knew that the bird was up ahead. She could see him heading for a light post.

It was only the shrill blaring of a horn that jarred her loose from her determined chase.

And the sickening thud that ended her mother’s cries forever . . .

Miriam could feel the poorly healed wound in her heart begin to tear open once again. She closed her eyes tightly, digging her nails into her palm as she had so many times before.

[i]If only I had listened... If only I had let it go... My fault... all my fault...[/i]

She opened her eyes and found herself meeting the gaze of the little girl. Miriam looked into her twinkling blue orbs dully.

[i]If you only knew what pain exists...[/I]

The little girl’s mouth spread into an impish grin, her cheeks dimpling. Despite her mood, Miriam found the look irresistible and gave a small smile back. The grin widened and her little hand beckoned Miriam forth.

The older girl glanced about in confusion. Spotting no one else whom she could have been mistaken for, she rose and made her way through the birds.

“Hello,” she said as she approached. Looking down, she was startled by the child’s resemblance to her younger self. She crouched down so she could converse with the girl better. “I’m Miriam.”

Blue eyes sparkled and the impish smile peeked out of the corner of her mouth. “I know.”

Miriam blinked. [i]Do I know this girl? [/I] She looked around briefly to see if she recognized anyone in the crowd.

The little girl laughed and Miriam looked back to see a bird had landed on top of the crown of blonde curls. Miriam couldn’t help laughing as well.

The sound felt good coming from her throat, she hadn’t laughed in a long time.

Sparkling blue eyes met hers again and the look in them seemed far older than the girl. Little hands fitted themselves into Miriam’s larger ones.

“It wasn’t your fault.”

Miriam felt as if she had been hit in the stomach. Shock left her frozen.

“How... What...”

Just then a car horn blared. The birds let out a cry of surprise and, as one, lifted into the air. Miriam covered her face and hair and they swirled around. She could feel feathers against her skin. The sound of delighted laughter rang out through the panicked sound of the fleeing birds.

And then there was silence.

Miriam dropped her hands to look around. A few birds wandered lazily about. No sign remained of the flock there just moments before.

And the little girl was gone.

Miriam clambered to her feet and spun around searching frantically. The plaza was large, there was no place the girl could have gone so quickly.

No little girl.

Her heartbeat sounded loud in her ears. Miriam wandered back to her bench in a daze and sat down hard.

Only then did she realize that she was clutching something tightly in her hand.

Opening her fist, she gazed down at the small, child-sized locket she held.

With shaking fingers, she clicked it open.

A picture rested inside of a laughing blonde girl held close by a smiling young woman with loving eyes. An inscription faced it.

[I]To Miriam, Love Mom.[/I]

Miriam clutched the necklace to her chest as tears streamed down her cheeks.

[i]Not my fault?[/I]

Somewhere in the distance, a little girl laughed.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Ren dresses!

So... I figured I'd make the last post a little clearer. :P

The Renaissance Faire is coming nearby next month and I'm really excited. I can be a total dork about these things. I already have a cloak I made and my sister has the one I made for her... But we both wanted real costumes. So I'm going to make them! I bought a pattern for myself, but Mindless couldn't find one she liked, so I'm going to do without and just imitate what Warrior did on her costume blog. I'm excited. I'd forgotten how much I love sewing. Some parts are tedious, but as a whole, I love it.

Here's pictures of what I'm going to be doing.



That's what I'm basing Mindless' outfit off of.

And here are some pictures of my and my sister's cloaks.



So... Yup. I'll keep you all updated on my progress!


Saturday, March 28, 2009

Busy day...

For once. :P I am notorious for being rather lazy and never leaving the house. However today I left the house within two hours of getting up. Not only that, but I cooked a little before that. I went to the thrift store and got a new fedora and three books. :woot:

After that I came home and tried to see if there was a Ren dress pattern that Mindless liked. Oh yeah! I ordered one for myself the other day. It's gorgeous. I can't want to make it. After the failure of finding one for Mindless, I looked at Warrior's costume blog and decided to just try to imitate the overdress she made. Mindless doesn't mind and I made a doll sized one as a sample that came out alright. So I should be able to make one for my 5'7" little sister. It's actually easier to make full sized things. More room for mistakes. *shifty eyes*

Anyway... so yeah. I've done a lot more than usual today. All in all, a pretty good follow up to the awesome dance class last night. I got to dance with two amazing dancers which was exciting. I learned a bunch of new moves and actually got to do some awesome stuff in the waltz! My partner taught me how to dip properly. And I got to dance with the dance teacher twice. And he said I was good. *dark blush* It was pretty good.

Aaaaaanyway. I'm done rambling.

Peace, y'all.


Wednesday, March 25, 2009


I should be doing school... I just can't focus. Everything going on in life just has my mind swirling and unable to focus on such mundane things as homework. It like... I want to do well. I really do. I just... can't do it. I'm getting so ticked off with myself about it. I need to do well. I need to do well on the SAT. I need to get into college. I also need a job...

And I can't seem to focus on anything tangible. I can focus on Liss and CP and stuff like that... but I can't even focus on reading and writing... I'm getting so mad at myself.

I wonder I'f I'll be able to focus enough to make the doll dresses I ordered patterns for. *rubs head* Ugh... I really want to be able to do things. I don't know what's wrong with me.

I have so many issues... Seriously...

I wonder if I'd be able to focus on school if I was studying with people... I can focus on conversations, and chatting, and people... I wonder if a study group would help...

Not that I'd be able to find one, anyway. The only people in my class who might be willing to do something like that are the ones I blogged about a while back. The ones who don't really see me.

Although, Jessica actually spoke to me first yesterday. And I blew it by freaking out about something teacher said and drowning the discussion out by writing Jack's Tale. Ai maer. I do well in Lit anyway. My teacher has had me in English type classes for years and likes me. Same with my Writing teacher. So I feel guilty when I don't have an assignment and they give me grace because "I'm a good student."

*rubs head* I try... but I'm really not anymore...

*sighs* Oh well, I'm going to end this.

No galu govad gen. TTFN, ART.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009


I'm such an idiot...

Monday, March 23, 2009

I don't even know...

I'm so confused... I can't remember the last time I was this confused...

I got an apology message from an old friend today... I... *rubs head* I don't know what to do. I forgive her. I've forgiven her long ago... but... *curls up and rests chin on knees* She hurt me... badly. I still haven't been able to heal... I miss her. I don't deny it. I miss her like crazy... but I'm not... *bites lip hard* She shattered my trust in her... and so many others... I'm not sure... I'm not sure it'd be good for me to... Oh, I don't know!

I miss her. It hurts. A little piece of me still bleeds when I see her picture or remember the sound of her laugh in my mind. I still love her. So much. But I don't know what to do. As much as I love her, as much as I miss her... we've both changed... She destroyed my faith in human kind like so many before her have done... and it was restored by Liss and others. The place in my heart that was her's still aches, but it's smaller now. It will never be gone... but I'm not sure what will happen if I get in contact with her again... will it just be a repeat of what went before? She swore I could trust her and she betrayed me... if it happens again, will my heart be able to take it? Already it's so fragile. Friendships are harder for me. Trusting is sometimes close to impossible... The only person I can look to without fear is Liss... and even so, I keep messing things up with her... I keep failing her. Even today.

I almost made a huge mistake. It hurt her. She berated me about it and she was right... but now she feels guilty. So I made things doubly worse. I really screw up everything.

It's no wonder so many people get tired of me and leave... I wonder if the friends I have now will leave me too... I hope not... I love them. So very much. I can't lose them too...

God... I'm so confused...

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Random Evanescence Cover

My voice is shot, so don't really go by this...

Saturday, March 21, 2009


I have a best friend. Her name is Blair Michelle, or Lisse. She's the most amazing person in the world. I would do anything for her and I love her to death. She's beautiful, smart, funny, real, and most of all: loved. She has the most amazing personality and she's the one person I could tell absolutely anything to.

I'll love her forever and always, no matter what.

Im meleth le, Oré Vala nîn. No matter what. Until Eternity ends.

Almost done.

After today's performance, we're done. I can't wait. I like the play and all... but it's eating up my time and leaving me exhausted which increases stress.

Like I don't have enough stress in my life as it is.

I really miss Lisse today... I kind of failed her yesterday... *sighs and rubs head* She needed me to be strong and I freaked out about stuff.

Sometimes I find myself wishing I had never meet a friend I once had. She effectively destroyed me in the end... I still haven't managed to heal. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be whole. Everyone always talks about guys breaking your heart... but sometimes friends do it more completely.

*sighs* Anyway... I'm just really lonely today. I read a random blog post today that got me thinking about a few things. It made me examine myself. And it made me miss Liss more. Right now, I really wish I could just freak out MAJORLY without someone getting on my case about language...

*chews lip* Yes... I have the tendency to cuss a little bit when I'm really stressed... It's a horrible habit. I hate it. I'm trying to break it... but it's better then what I used to do when I was really stressed out. (See September's post: Returning) I'm just at the breaking point lately. I'm so tired that I have no reserves to fall back on. That's why I can't wait for this play to be over. I am /this/ close to asking my parents if I can stay home from church on Sunday... I know. really bad of me. Especially since I was sick last week. But I need sleep... really really badly. If I break too far... I'm afraid of what might happen.

But here I go again, doing exactly what I'm trying not to do.

Anyway. I'm off. Wish me luck in our final performance.


Friday, March 20, 2009


Dude... I have the most terrible headache. It's killing me. It's especially bothersome because it's putting a block on my attempts to edit Jack's Tale part 1. Meh.

The first day of the play was today. It went alright, I suppose. It was done a lot sooner then everyone expected it to be. That was nice. I hate my costume. I might post some pictures here eventually. Maybe. Maybe not. Creepy stalker people might see them. Although, with the way I looked, I might scare them all away from my area permanently!

Ugh, my family is watching what little bit we recorded. *falls over* I guess I'll watch it eventually, but maybe not until after tomorrows performance. I can't wait till Sunday. Then we'll be done. :woot:

Ugh. My head...

Hm. I think we're about to eat. I guess I'd better sign off.

TTFN, ART. No galu govad gen!

I tried...

"Everything You Ever Wanted"

I walk the line
Leave it all behind
I've been waiting forever
Lets go back in time
When I could read your mind
Still I've been waiting

It took the seasons going by
To know its not my fault

I tried to be perfect, tried to be honest
Tried to be everything that you ever wanted
I tried to be stronger, tried to be smarter
Tried to be everything but you

Its been so long
Since you've been home
I used to wait up forever
I used to say a prayer
Wishing you were there
And I'm still waiting

You told me once
You'd show up
But I fell for that
Before I fell to pieces
Then I woke up
To no one,
Just a picture of Jesus
And a house left in pieces

It took the seasons going by
To know its not my fault

I tried to be perfect, tried to be honest
Tried to be everything that you ever wanted
I tried to be stronger, tried to be smarter
Tried to be everything but you

I wanted you
I need you
I want to believe you
I wanted you
I need you
I want to believe you

I tried to be perfect, tried to be honest
tried to be everything but you

I tried to be perfect, tried to be honest
Tried to be everything that you ever wanted
I tried to be stronger, tried to be smarter
Tried to be everything but you

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

New Story!

I'm working on a new story and Liss suggested that I post a synopsis here. So I will.

TITLE: Jack's Tale (working title)
GENRE: Romance
THEME(S): No idea...
CHAPTERS: I should have around six when I'm done.
BASIC PLOT: Jack is a thief. On a failed job one night, he meets a girl. She sticks in his mind despite the briefness of their contact and he regrets the lost chance to get to know her. Until she shows up again in the least likely of places.

So far I have about 2k done which is the first chapter. It's pretty fun. Jack is self-centered and arrogant and believes he can do no wrong. It's my first time writing a pompous jerk and it's rather entertaining.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Last year this time I was exhausted from all the dancing I'd been doing. But this year I gave up the shows for drama.

So instead I just feel fat and lazy. :P

Seriously... I miss it. But I'm loving acting again. Even if the preparation for the play is driving me up the wall. I haven't made it all the way to production time in so long. I love it. I'd actually forgotten how much I adore acting.

I feel so busy right now, but I know I'm really not. I need to be a lot more busy. I just... *makes a face* I can never apply myself unless it's a short goal project. I try, I really do. I /want/ to get things done. I'm just... incapable of it. It drives me crazy. I might have to talk to Ms. Michelle and see if I can work with her to figure out a way to set up my papers with short term goals so... Meh.

Anyway, co-op today, so off I go.

Happy St. Patrick's Day all. Even though I'm not Catholic. :P Just Irish.

God Bless!


Monday, March 16, 2009


The play's this Friday and I'm one of the only ones with my lines memorized. Okay, so I have less lines then most of them, but some of them don't seem like they've even tried. It's just frustrating.

I got my costume today, so that's good. I still have to try to sew Dessil's tonight, though. I just wish my mom would stop reminding me and just trust me to get it done for once. She has absolutely no faith in me.

I'm enjoying the play. I'm enjoying my role. It's just a little more stressful then I was hoping it would be.

Oh well, I guess that's why it's called drama.

Um... drawing a mind blank. I guess I'll shut up now. Maybe I'll go call Liss.


Sunday, March 15, 2009


I'm sick. Not too badly, but I still don't feel well. Oh well, I'll probably get to watch Memoirs of a Geisha or Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon tonight to make up for it.

I've been doing some writing lately. I made a goal with myself to write at least a page every night. So far I've done it since I started. Two days ago. I count that as doing fairly well. I'm working on an AAP. I actually like my character fairly well. I'm looking forward to the story.

Speaking of which...


I love it. I feel kind of like a trespasser... but I'm hoping maybe I'll fit in someday. It's been nice to have it today when I've been sick and Liss has been gone most of the day. I've posted two things there so far. I wonder if I'll get feedback on either...

Anyway, everyone there is just as awesome and wonderful as Lisse said they were. I'm not surprised seeing as they're the people she's chosen for her friends. I wonder if I'll be able to call many of them my friends soon. I (perhaps wrongly) already consider Mir a friend, and I've been talking on FB with Linny, so perhaps her as well. They're both wonderful. Of course, everyone is. And they're all amazing writers to boot. Reading their stuff I can see that I have so much to learn.

But... anyway... I think dinner might be ready. I'm getting lightheaded again and I can smell food. Why do we never eat on time? *grumbles about this*

Anyway, I'm off. TTYL, ART.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Another post just for the sake of it.

Yeah... I don't know. I just feel like posting. Today's been pretty stressful. Drama was long and exhausting on top of a really late night and I couldn't seem to stop fighting with my mom... We don't get along on the best of days, but today was particularly bad. I'm not proud of my behavior... I did manage to get to the library for the first time in a while. I got:

The Turn of the Screw by Henry James (I'm doing a report for Lit on it.)
A Portrait of A Lady by Henry James (It looked interesting.)
City of Bones (I wanted to. :P)

So I should have fun with that. I'm already partly into The Turn of the Screw and it's pretty good. A little hard for my tired mind to follow, but I'm liking it. It's a ghost story. :D

Other than that... I dunno. I got to wear a new shirt I just got for the first time today and I love it. It makes me feel "cool." (aka: My version of cool which varies from a lot of others. :P) I actually liked my outfit a lot today. I think it was a pretty "me" outfit. So I felt a little less awkward than usual. I did feel pretty lonely all day, but that's because I don't really have a friends at school. I talk to most people in drama occasionally, but... I'm not part of the "in crowd." Highschool at my co-op is divided into two groups. The "in crowd" and my group, the "outcasts." There's about... Six of us? Myself, Koby, Bitty, Ryn, Katie #1, my sister, Sarah, and sometimes Naomi. Okay. Eight. Typically I don't mind... but sometimes it gets to me. Especially now that I'm not fitting in well with my crowd anymore. *laughs a little* That's kind of weird actually, because it really is my crowd. I hold it together, I brought its beginning. People have come and gone, but myself (and Koby) have always been there. Koby may be on his way out though due to a bunch of fights between him and many of the others. I'm about the only one that still talks to him. I'm really the only one holding the group together. But I'm fading out. Like I fade out of everything. I just don't fit in there anymore... I... *sighs* I want to be... not necessarily a part of the "in crowd" but I want to be friends with some of them. I've been there as long a most of the older ones and longer than the majority. But I've never had a place with them. And it hurts sometimes. To know that even now I'm still rejected. *rests chin on hand* Many of them are nice people. I could be friends with them. I know I could be. But... they... *sighs* I guess social status.

That's one of the many reasons I want to go to a real school next year. I want to start over. I want to actually be known for who I am. Not just who I was.

You know... I probably know more about half the kids at co-op than my parents know about me. At least, about the present. And they know my name... *sighs* It's kind of depressing to be invisible.

But I've probably been rambling on long enough. I didn't mean to bore anyone, if anyone reads this, it's just something that's been on my mind a lot lately.

Ooh, sibs are watching Gilligan's Island. :P That was a fun show. I've seen most of the episodes. After watching it every Friday night for about... two years? though, it got a little old. I started bailing out on the season three episodes so I haven't seen all of those. I prefer the old Sherlock Holms shows or The Waltons. I like The Andy Griffith Show too. They had good shows "in the old days." :P

*yawns a little* I wish I had my CP account already. Nia should be going through the applications today. I REALLY hope I get in this time around. If I don't, Liss is probably going to kill me. *hides*

I wonder if I'll fit in on CP... I know so much about everyone and they know little to nothing about me. I'm afraid I'll scare people... Normally I wouldn't really care... but I really want the people there to like me... Liss speaks so highly of them. I care about their opinions of me... *sighs a little* But I won't work myself into a state of paranoia now... I should (hopefully) be able to find out tomorrow.

I'm going to stop writing now. I'm getting tired.


Thursday, March 12, 2009


I don't know... Sometimes I just want to give up, you know.

I feel like such crap lately.

Ugh... I just don't know...

"Going Under"

Now I will tell you what I've done for you -
50 thousand tears I've cried.
Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you -
And you still won't hear me.
(going under)
Don't want your hand this time - I'll save myself.
Maybe I'll wake up for once (wake up for once)
Not tormented daily defeated by you
Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom

I'm dying again

I'm going under (going under)
Drowning in you (drowning in you)
I'm falling forever (falling forever)
I've got to break through
I'm going under

Blurring and stirring - the truth and the lies.
(So I don't know what's real) So I don't know what's real and what's not (and what's not)
Always confusing the thoughts in my head
So I can't trust myself anymore

I'm dying again

I'm going under (going under)
Drowning in you (drowning in you)
I'm falling forever (falling forever)
I've got to break through

So go on and scream
Scream at me I'm so far away (so far away)
I won't be broken again (again)
I've got to breathe - I can't keep going under

I'm dying again

I'm going under (going under)
Drowning in you (drowning in you)
I'm falling forever (falling forever)
I've got to break through

I'm going under (going under)
I'm going under (drowning in you)
I'm going under