Monday, March 12, 2012

It's ridiculous how lonely I am. It makes me sick to my stomach. It keeps me perpetually on the verge of tears. I feel like there's a huge wall or a deep crevice separating me from the rest of the world. And it's cold and lonely.

I have friends, I won't try to say that I don't. But, lately, I don't have anyone that I can talk to. Either timing, distance, or a number of other factors places a barrier between my heart and head and everyone else. There's so much inside of me that there is no room for me. The noise inside is swallowing me. The real me. Actually, I don't even remember who or what that is anymore. I just feel it missing. Is it weird that I'm lonely for myself as well?

It's like there's this emptiness. Surrounding me, filling me. It's swallowing my world and leaving little pieces of me floating around in the void that remains. It's lonely. Heartbreakingly lonely. It's rather like the feeling of being homesick, but I'm already home. I'm sitting in my living room right now as I type this.

I look at the people I know, at their facebooks, at their faces, at their phone numbers. Sometimes I even get to the point of opening a message window or readying a call. But then I realize I don't even know what I would say or how I would keep up the communication. In my loneliness, I've lost my voice.

I'm so tired all of the time. And that's when it hits me the hardest. When I'm worn out and worn down and I just want to turn to someone and say, "I can't do it anymore. Let's take a break. Make me smile," and there's no one for me to go to. When I just need to talk to someone, anyone, but there's not a single number that I know I can dial at two am.

I'm forgetting what it's like to be friends with people. Not what it's like to have friends. Just what it's like to be friends. To talk for hours about nothing and everything. To drop a random note and have it turn into a conversation you have to be dragged away from. To laugh so hard you're not sure you'll ever breathe again. I miss it, but I'm forgetting what it is that I miss.

It's lonely when you've forgotten how to live. When every day is just about surviving until you fall asleep and then starting it all over again. It's lonely when you can't be your real self to anyone. It's lonely when you forget who you are.