Monday, June 21, 2010


I haven't quite put words to all of my thoughts, but I wanted to go ahead and get this started since I won't write anything otherwise. Of course I probably won't anyway.

Technically I'm probably thinking too much. My head is kind of spinning. Especially considering how little sleep I've been getting.

This weekend was good. Really good. God showed me some things I've been really needing to see and broke through some of the lies I've been believing. However, that doesn't mean that all my problems and all my doubts go away. Unfortunately.

Tonight I was reading through a bunch of old writings, particularly poetry, done by me and some old friends. It's gotten me thinking a lot about a lot of things. First of all, I feel regret. Many of the friendships I had when those poems were written have faded away and I find while reading their words that I miss them. It saddens me to know that things can never be the same as they were. But at the same time I'm so glad I never have to return to that place. I look back at times in my life and I can see the broken child I was. The tears I cried and the lies I believed. I walked a dark path in my life and it's a path thats been a struggle to leave. To be honest, I have to admit to the words from Superchick's song Courage:
"I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting
To walk towards the light."
But I have changed. Almost everything has changed since then.

This weekend I found myself in a place I've been struggling to find for a long time and for a few minutes it seemed like everything would be better, but only later that night I found myself once more walking along that dark road and it took far longer to shake off that darkness than it did to lose the glimmer of light. I found the same thing today. Earlier I was laughing and goofing off. I read one of my very first poems to Raen and couldn't stop giggling. However, after reading through all of the other things I did I find that my mood has gone from light and giggly to contemplative. Even melancholy.

There's so much on my mind lately. People have entered my life lately that have changed the way I view things. Events have caused me to rethink things I thought I knew. A future I thought I had planned is now as vague as ever. Even Atlanta Fest this weekend has filled parts of my mind with mixed and confused thoughts.

I feel as if the more I dwell on this the lower my mind sinks into the darker aspects, though, so I'm going to stop this direction for now.

Unfortunately, the only other thing I seem to be able to dwell on at the moment is the fact that Raen leaves tomorrow. I know I got to be around her for nine days, but we were so busy that it feels like far less than that. I feel as if there was so much left undone. I'm going to miss her a lot. She's like the big sister I've always wished I had and it's going to be tough for a while not getting to talk to her or goof off with her every day. I'll be seeing her again in less than two months, though, and that does keep me from being utterly depressed.

I hate goodbyes. Especially when I don't know when the next hello will be or when I'll be able to hug them or talk to them face to face again. Hugs are especially important to me and it's hard to live so far away from so many of the people I care a lot about because I get to hug them so rarely and, for many of them, I don't even know when my next chance will come.

Moot is what I'm holding to now. So many of my dear friends will be there and, if it's anything at all like last year, spending a week with them will be incredible. However, August feels very far away at the moment.

But I think I'm done blogging. No one really cares anyway. God bless everyone who reads this. I love you all.

Friday, June 4, 2010

I just don't understand.

I'm so confused about everything right now. I feel as if my life is crumbling down around me. The past few nights I've pretty much cried myself to sleep. My mind is so mixed up and dizzy and my heart aches all the time. I have so many questions and no answers. I wonder how much longer I can handle this...