Monday, March 12, 2012

It's ridiculous how lonely I am. It makes me sick to my stomach. It keeps me perpetually on the verge of tears. I feel like there's a huge wall or a deep crevice separating me from the rest of the world. And it's cold and lonely.

I have friends, I won't try to say that I don't. But, lately, I don't have anyone that I can talk to. Either timing, distance, or a number of other factors places a barrier between my heart and head and everyone else. There's so much inside of me that there is no room for me. The noise inside is swallowing me. The real me. Actually, I don't even remember who or what that is anymore. I just feel it missing. Is it weird that I'm lonely for myself as well?

It's like there's this emptiness. Surrounding me, filling me. It's swallowing my world and leaving little pieces of me floating around in the void that remains. It's lonely. Heartbreakingly lonely. It's rather like the feeling of being homesick, but I'm already home. I'm sitting in my living room right now as I type this.

I look at the people I know, at their facebooks, at their faces, at their phone numbers. Sometimes I even get to the point of opening a message window or readying a call. But then I realize I don't even know what I would say or how I would keep up the communication. In my loneliness, I've lost my voice.

I'm so tired all of the time. And that's when it hits me the hardest. When I'm worn out and worn down and I just want to turn to someone and say, "I can't do it anymore. Let's take a break. Make me smile," and there's no one for me to go to. When I just need to talk to someone, anyone, but there's not a single number that I know I can dial at two am.

I'm forgetting what it's like to be friends with people. Not what it's like to have friends. Just what it's like to be friends. To talk for hours about nothing and everything. To drop a random note and have it turn into a conversation you have to be dragged away from. To laugh so hard you're not sure you'll ever breathe again. I miss it, but I'm forgetting what it is that I miss.

It's lonely when you've forgotten how to live. When every day is just about surviving until you fall asleep and then starting it all over again. It's lonely when you can't be your real self to anyone. It's lonely when you forget who you are.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Scoop of Life, Feb 9

"I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell. I know right now you can't tell."

This is going to be it for now. I feel I should make a general warning. From now on, all of my overflows of thoughts that I can't keep inside anymore will be ending up here where they don't take up anyone's time and people can ignore them. I don't want to be selfish more than I can help, so I've decided to quite dumping on people. I'll let this blog catch the overflow, and any readers out there can just ignore it. So there.

Not on an emotional note: I've been teaching myself Russian the past few days. I realized a little under a week ago that Russia and Russian have always fascinated me, and I never realized it. So now I'm making plans to take Russian at uni and make a stop in the lovely country during my visit to Europe. I'm also writing a paper on Russia. And I feel more alive than I have in some time. Learning languages and forming dreams do that for me. It's just a matter of keeping them from getting crushed. Which is why I try not to talk about them in depth. Particularly to certain people. That way, I can keep right on dreaming.

I've also been spending time looking at European street styles and redesigning my look. I wore a new combination of clothes from my closet to classes on Tuesday and got tons of compliments. I felt fantastic all day. I felt like who I want to be and who I am inside. And I felt classy. It was lovely.

I also went to a Bible meeting thingy at my school Tuesday evening. Apparently students from a nearby church meet there every week to have a little service thing. It was kind of nice. The other girls in particular were friendly, and the atmosphere was comfortable. I'm still wary, though. I've had so many bad experiences with church groups that I've become quite the coward. And I'm really curious about some of their theology and beliefs--things that would determine my willingness to stick with it.

I got a new phone recently. It's an android and it's ever so exciting to have it. I feel cool. And it's really handy to have. Especially since my computer battery is corrupted making it impossible to use unless it's plugged in. The phone works as a decent substitute for most things.

School has been going alright. I don't love any of my classes, but I don't hate any of them either. They're all rather easy and boring. I really wish I was taking a foreign language class this year. It would make things much more interesting. At least my English class is decent, though.

Lately I've been rather odd about music. I've been getting randomly sick of certain songs that I typically love, and then I'll just get sick of all music whatsoever. It's very strange for me. I guess I get bored of it. Which would also probably explain my tendency to go for rap/hip-hop and more hardcore music in those moods. Not styles I like much at other times.

Someday soon I'm going to get started on filming stuff. I have an idea for a music video I want to do, and I'm tossing around a couple ideas for a web series or short film. It could be fun. I just wish I had more people to work with and proper equipment. But you do with what you can. C'est la vie.

And I think that's about all. I really do write the lamest blog posts. Maybe they would be better if I actually kept up with it.