Well then.

So life has changed a lot since my last post. Like, a lot a lot. A lot of it for the better.

I'm kind of just blogging because I remembered this blog randomly yesterday. Don't expect it to last. *oops* Most of my journaling has been being done on other sites where I tend to frequent more often.

In a few minutes I have a friend and her sister coming over. I'm taking measurements of my friend, drawing up a pattern for the cosplay I'm making her, and then the three of us are heading out to find a dress for my friend. I think. I'm a little confused on that last bit. We're going somewhere. But while I wait I'm going to at least start this post.

This summer has been pretty much the best of my life. I've met all sorts of amazing people and, for once, a lot of them have actually lived near me. Close enough to get together fairly regularly. It's been one of the least lonely periods of my entire life. I've been so much happier than I can remember being in years. I haven't felt more than a little depressed in months.

It's now many hours later. A quick trip to Ross turned into going over to my friend's house and hanging out all evening. It was fun, but I now have a lot I need to do before I can go to bed. Here's to hoping I can make at least some progress on Ceil's coat.

I'm going to blog a little more before I leave, though. I'm not sure when I'll get back to this anyway.

I've been thinking a lot over the last couple weeks. It's been an interesting past month. Awesome what with Moot, Kaylee's visit, and various opportunities to hang out with local friends, but interesting. The past couple weeks the most so. I found out something recently that really shook me up for a while and that still preoccupies a lot of my thoughts. Getting to go stay with a couple friends for the weekend and attend DragonCon last weekend helped a lot, though. The past few days, though, another thing has been occupying my mind.

I have the possibility to move to London for a while in a year or two. My mom has friends from the London area currently living near us and they offered to let me live with them for as long as I'd like when they go back. Honestly, I'm rather in shock. [space of a couple days where I forgot to continue this] Living in London would be literally a dream come true. For as long as I can remember I've wanted to go to London and that desire has only increased in the past couple years. For a couple months some friends and I have been talking about making a trip over there next year, but this would be something completely different. Rather that a vacation experience, this would be a chance to experience the day-to-day life of London. Of England. It may not sound glamorous... but just the idea of it makes me want to smile and dance.

But it's not as simple as just deciding to take them up on their offer and go. There's a lot to consider. For one thing, it's expensive to fly to London. I don't currently have a job, and even if I did it would take time to save up enough to afford to both get there and to support myself while there. Because that's something else, I wouldn't be able to get a job there--even short term--without a visa. And those things are expensive. I also have to consider schooling. I would LOVE to go to university in London. But it's hard for Americans to get into English schools. And since the schooling style is entirely different, I'd probably have to either start right over from the beginning, or wait until I had a BA and then go for extra schooling. Which would mean waiting about four years. Ugh, not really want I had in mind. Basically, though, it's the visa aspects that make it most complicated. I can't stay more than six months without a visa which means I would have to get one just to attend a year of school. I can't get a job in the U.K. without a visa, so I'd have virtually no income unless I had a job here in the States that allowed me to work long distance. And then there's the fact that while my mom's friend offered to let me stay with them, I wouldn't want to impose for too long. And at the moment I'm thinking about this as kind of a long term thing.

I dunno. I'm kind of babbling, I suppose. To sum it up in case you only skimmed the above paragraph, I have the chance to move to London for a while in a year or two, but I'm not sure if it even has a likelihood of working out because of various factors.

In other news... in the past two days since I started this post I've been doing a LOT of sewing and other preparations for the Anime Convention I'm attending this weekend. I'm really excited about it since this will be my first "real con experience." I just hope I can get everything done in the two days I have left! I also registered for two of my college classes this morning. So yeah, I am officially a college freshman. It's kind of weird to think about. But yet... it makes more sense than being a high school student. I'm so different from the person I was even just when I graduated this past spring that it fits that I'm entering a new phase of life.

Anyway, I lost the thread and purpose of this post somewhere in the past two days, so I'm just going to end it now and get it out regardless.

Thanks to anyone who actually read this. I wish I could promise you another post soon... but it probably won't happen. *oops*

Love you all!

Thinking

I haven't quite put words to all of my thoughts, but I wanted to go ahead and get this started since I won't write anything otherwise. Of course I probably won't anyway.

Technically I'm probably thinking too much. My head is kind of spinning. Especially considering how little sleep I've been getting.

This weekend was good. Really good. God showed me some things I've been really needing to see and broke through some of the lies I've been believing. However, that doesn't mean that all my problems and all my doubts go away. Unfortunately.

Tonight I was reading through a bunch of old writings, particularly poetry, done by me and some old friends. It's gotten me thinking a lot about a lot of things. First of all, I feel regret. Many of the friendships I had when those poems were written have faded away and I find while reading their words that I miss them. It saddens me to know that things can never be the same as they were. But at the same time I'm so glad I never have to return to that place. I look back at times in my life and I can see the broken child I was. The tears I cried and the lies I believed. I walked a dark path in my life and it's a path thats been a struggle to leave. To be honest, I have to admit to the words from Superchick's song Courage:

"I need you to know

I'm not through the night

Some days I'm still fighting

To walk towards the light."

But I have changed. Almost everything has changed since then.

This weekend I found myself in a place I've been struggling to find for a long time and for a few minutes it seemed like everything would be better, but only later that night I found myself once more walking along that dark road and it took far longer to shake off that darkness than it did to lose the glimmer of light. I found the same thing today. Earlier I was laughing and goofing off. I read one of my very first poems to Raen and couldn't stop giggling. However, after reading through all of the other things I did I find that my mood has gone from light and giggly to contemplative. Even melancholy.

There's so much on my mind lately. People have entered my life lately that have changed the way I view things. Events have caused me to rethink things I thought I knew. A future I thought I had planned is now as vague as ever. Even Atlanta Fest this weekend has filled parts of my mind with mixed and confused thoughts.

I feel as if the more I dwell on this the lower my mind sinks into the darker aspects, though, so I'm going to stop this direction for now.

Unfortunately, the only other thing I seem to be able to dwell on at the moment is the fact that Raen leaves tomorrow. I know I got to be around her for nine days, but we were so busy that it feels like far less than that. I feel as if there was so much left undone. I'm going to miss her a lot. She's like the big sister I've always wished I had and it's going to be tough for a while not getting to talk to her or goof off with her every day. I'll be seeing her again in less than two months, though, and that does keep me from being utterly depressed.

I hate goodbyes. Especially when I don't know when the next hello will be or when I'll be able to hug them or talk to them face to face again. Hugs are especially important to me and it's hard to live so far away from so many of the people I care a lot about because I get to hug them so rarely and, for many of them, I don't even know when my next chance will come.

Moot is what I'm holding to now. So many of my dear friends will be there and, if it's anything at all like last year, spending a week with them will be incredible. However, August feels very far away at the moment.

But I think I'm done blogging. No one really cares anyway. God bless everyone who reads this. I love you all.

I just don't understand.

I'm so confused about everything right now. I feel as if my life is crumbling down around me. The past few nights I've pretty much cried myself to sleep. My mind is so mixed up and dizzy and my heart aches all the time. I have so many questions and no answers. I wonder how much longer I can handle this...

Camping

Senior Camping Trip. It was the middle word that made me balk.

Now, I'm not one of those girls that spends an hour getting dressed each morning, but I am the kind of girl that wears high heels whenever a situation presents itself (and sometimes even when it doesn't) and to whom walking down to the mailbox is enough recreational outdoor time for a week. Camping isn't really my thing. However, tied into the camping trip was the Great Race--a Senior class event that is so top secret that it's automatically intriguing. So, somehow, I found myself signed up for the camping trip and Thursday afternoon I was getting stuff together to bring with me.

At the meeting about the camp out, the event organizers warned us that we would probably get cold, wet, and dirty. THey told us to bring clothes suitable for such. That was where I ran into my first road block. I have exactly five casual T-shirts. Out of those five, only two of them are ones I don't mind getting dirty. It took me well over an hour to scrounge up another shirt I could bring, and I still had to bring one of my nicer shirts as my spare. Then came the problem of jeans. I ended up borrowing a couple pairs from my mom because none of mine were going to really work.

By the time I left the next morning, I had six bags and items. How I got that many, I don't know. Obviously neither my mom nor I know how to pack. I had two stuffed personal bags, a sleeping bag, a bag with my pillow and two extra blankets, a camp chair, and a cot. It looked like I was going on a week long vacation instead of just a weekend camping trip.

Now, I also have to point out that I love rain. It's just so soothing, peaceful, and beautiful. However, I prefer to love rain from inside. Hence, it was with some trepidation that I saw it was raining when we left for the church where we were meeting. As if in answer to prayer, though, it cleared up soon after we got there.

The group of us racers were supposed to leave around one that afternoon, but I believe it was after two before we actually pulled out of the parking lot. By the time we got to the first stop on the race, it was beginning to rain again.

I can't go into much detail about the race itself because of it's Top Secret nature, but suffice to say that thanks to the rain I got the wettest and coldest I'd been in a long time. If my teammates hadn't been so awesome, I probably would have been miserable. However, I somehow managed to have fun.

But the camping part had not yet begun. When we reached the campsite, it was still raining and, though it let up briefly a few times, it continued to rain for the rest of the night. The area around the galley and the main fire-pit was like a swamp. One of the senior's shoes sunk all the way into the mud. Around that point I began remembering why I don't go camping.

That night, though, all of us girls crashed in the same tent and despite the fact that anything said in a tent can be heard by everyone and we kept getting told to be quite, we put our heads together and talked and giggled for over an hour. It was like being back in middle school, but it was fun.

The next morning, it was still raining. The combination of cold and wet was terrible. Thanks to the Lord, though, the rain cleared up just before the second half of the race began.

In the end, my team came in third--not to shabby for always being one of the last to arrive at each destination. I found, though, that I didn't really care what place we came it. It was just a lot of fun to have participated.

The rest of that day--Saturday--was devoted to hanging out. We went to a pool that afternoon and swam for a couple hours, then played put-put golf in yet another burst of rain. It was fun. After we got back to the campground, we ate tacos provided by our wonderful cooks and then played games in the pavilion before gathering around the campfire and sending more peeps to their fiery deaths.

The next morning was freezing cold. None of us girls wanted to get up. In the end it was only the threat of the boys collapsing the tent on top of us that really got us moving. Shivering like crazy, we all got dressed and packed up our stuff, then lugged it all up to the pavilion where a breakfast of doughnuts, pastries, hot coco, and coffee awaited us.

Some of us had the starbucks drinks that were there and I choose to blame those on what we all did for the rest of the morning. As the guys worked hard on breaking down the campsite, we girls formed the Senior Squad and performed cheers for them to keep them motivated.

After all that, we headed home, stopping only for lunch at a pizza place.

As soon as I got home I took a shower and crashed, too exhausted to even say a proper hello to my family.

Even now, two days later, I'm still exhausted from the trip, but it was worth it. As I said in the first paragraph, I'm not a camping person. If given the choice between a tent and a hotel, there's no hesitation in choosing the latter. But the Senior camp out was something more than just a camping trip. I'm not really sure if I can even put words to it, but it was definitely something I'm glad I went to. I might have been constantly cold, nearly always damp, and pretty much exhausted, but I had fun, and that was something I wasn't expecting to happen.

I have a few more thought about the camping trip that I want to write about, but they'll have to wait until later. For now I leave you with, no galu govad gen. May blessings go with you.

Initial Thoughts of a New Age

It's late and I'm tired, but I wanted to just dive briefly into my initial thought on being 18. I excuse any lack of clarity on the hour, which just struck two.

Officially I'm not 18 four another four hours, but on principle, it's my birthday, so I'm eighteen. It's a weird thought. Legally I'm an adult, but I feel no different than I did three hours ago. However, I feel far different than I did at this point last year.

I've changed so mauch in the past 365 days. I'd like to think that I've grown. I believe I'm grown as a person, as a friend, as a daughter, as a sister, and as a Christian. The last most of all. I've certainly matured in the last year. I don't even like to think on how much of a selfish, grasping child I was only a year ago. In fact, a year ago is probably the time in my life that I hate myself the most for.

But the thing that surprises me is that I've changed. I've changed a lot. I've grown past that and I've grown up. Perhaps it seems absurd to be an adult, but being a year older feels absurd only because I feel as if I have aged much more than that. Oh yes, I still have a long way to go, but the work God has done in my life this last year, and really only since this summer, far surpasses anything He's done before.

A few days ago I was dwelling on my approaching birthday and my mind started to drift over all the things that I've lost over the past year and all the things that have changed for the worst. I have a habit of dreading birthdays. They've always seemed a time for nothing more than reflecting upon a broken past. However, a dear friend shared with me something she had written upon her own 18th birthday, that made me stop and think. I'm going to share a small portion of it here, because they're worthy to be said again.

---

One of my heroes and role models, Jamie Tworkowski, said the following about birthdays on the TWLOHA blog:

“At the heart of it is the opportunity to tell someone "I'm glad that you were born", which is also to say "I'm glad that you're alive." Those are powerful statements. The world would be a different better place if we lived that way, if we said and showed those things, more than once a year.”

Those words are what made me look at my birthday this year in a different light. Not as a day to mark everything I've lost in the last year, as it had been before, but a way of allowing myself to be reminded that just the fact that I'm alive has meaning.

---

The fact that I'm alive. Not that long ago, that wouldn't have been something I would revel in. Life was something I didn't want to face. However, the other week I paused in the middle of doing something and realized that I was happy. Genuinely happy for no reason other than the fact that I was alive and blessed. I had a God who loved me and took care of me, and I had wonderful, amazing friends. I was glad to be alive.

As I'm sitting here, I have so many things I want to say. In fact, cut out a large chunk of text to save for another day because it was going so far off topic and my poor, tired mind couldn't follow it. I think the reason I don't blog that often is because it's so overwhelming. There's always so much I want to mention, and I can only focus and type for so long.

Eighteen. My mind still can't wrap around it. Even though I know I've grown so much over the last year, I still feel so young. I wonder if everyone feels this way on entering adulthood.

In someways I'm sad to leave this year behind. As a seventeen-year-old, I had some of the best experiences of my life. I made friends that I will treasure forever, I learned lessons that I needed to learn, I got to go to Moot and visit with friends and travel the country. It was my last year of childhood, and I wish more of them could have gone as well as it did. True, I have no desire to relive the beginning, but the second half more than made up for it, and I can see now how God used it, even if I wish He could have chosen an easier path. Still, I wonder if this new year--a new age with a new path of adventures--will measure up.

This fall I will begin college. I'll be getting my license soon. I'll be needing to get my first job. The idea of entering the world of adults frightens me a bit. I look forward to growing up and discovering what God has in store for me, but a part of me still longs to remain where I am--safe, sheltered, and provided for.

But there are other things to look forward to and hope for in the coming year. In June a dear friend will be coming to visit. Over the summer I may get to see Lu and San again. And in August there's Moot. Though the last still requires much prayer and effort on my part.

In the end, this post rather fell apart from what I had intended it to be, but nonetheless, it's a glimpse into my musings in the first few hours of adulthood.

Despite my fears and concerns for the coming year and my regrets for this year past, I have learned one thing clearly in the last few months of my childhood.

No matter how dark things may seem, the stars are always there. God has blessed me greatly and He loves me no matter what. He will provide. All I need to do is trust.

And now I enter a new age, a new year, a new stage of life and I take a step of faith in posting this--faith that somehow God will make my meaning clear. To me as well.

Now off to bed I go. Perhaps in the morning the idea of being an adult will have sunk in some. Or perhaps not.

At least, no matter what the future may hold, I can look back on this past year, smile, and say, "Yes, seventeen was a good age to be." But now, future, here I come. Just as soon as I wake up...

Brief update...

So, I decided to attempt Project 365. If anyone who reads this is interested in seeing some of my pictures, you can see the blog here.

Other than that, my biggest news is that I think I finally have an idea of what I want to go to school for and what college I want to try to attend. Both aspects will require a lot of work, but... I think maybe I'm finally ready.

Things have been changing for me--in my head and the way I work--in the past couple months. I'm not yet sure what these changes mean or what to expect as time progresses, but for now, I finally feel somewhat prepared to deal with the future and life in general. I guess that's probably a good thing.

Anyway, there's still a lot to work through in my head, so I refuse to ramble at the moment (especially since it's almost 1:30 am), but at some point maybe I'll make an actual post about everything.

Until then--or at least next time--may God bless you.
Take care, my friends!
Blire Daeriel