“At the heart of it is the opportunity to tell someone "I'm glad that you were born", which is also to say "I'm glad that you're alive." Those are powerful statements. The world would be a different better place if we lived that way, if we said and showed those things, more than once a year.”
Those words are what made me look at my birthday this year in a different light. Not as a day to mark everything I've lost in the last year, as it had been before, but a way of allowing myself to be reminded that just the fact that I'm alive has meaning.
The fact that I'm alive. Not that long ago, that wouldn't have been something I would revel in. Life was something I didn't want to face. However, the other week I paused in the middle of doing something and realized that I was happy. Genuinely happy for no reason other than the fact that I was alive and blessed. I had a God who loved me and took care of me, and I had wonderful, amazing friends. I was glad to be alive.
As I'm sitting here, I have so many things I want to say. In fact, cut out a large chunk of text to save for another day because it was going so far off topic and my poor, tired mind couldn't follow it. I think the reason I don't blog that often is because it's so overwhelming. There's always so much I want to mention, and I can only focus and type for so long.
Eighteen. My mind still can't wrap around it. Even though I know I've grown so much over the last year, I still feel so young. I wonder if everyone feels this way on entering adulthood.
In someways I'm sad to leave this year behind. As a seventeen-year-old, I had some of the best experiences of my life. I made friends that I will treasure forever, I learned lessons that I needed to learn, I got to go to Moot and visit with friends and travel the country. It was my last year of childhood, and I wish more of them could have gone as well as it did. True, I have no desire to relive the beginning, but the second half more than made up for it, and I can see now how God used it, even if I wish He could have chosen an easier path. Still, I wonder if this new year--a new age with a new path of adventures--will measure up.
This fall I will begin college. I'll be getting my license soon. I'll be needing to get my first job. The idea of entering the world of adults frightens me a bit. I look forward to growing up and discovering what God has in store for me, but a part of me still longs to remain where I am--safe, sheltered, and provided for.
But there are other things to look forward to and hope for in the coming year. In June a dear friend will be coming to visit. Over the summer I may get to see Lu and San again. And in August there's Moot. Though the last still requires much prayer and effort on my part.
In the end, this post rather fell apart from what I had intended it to be, but nonetheless, it's a glimpse into my musings in the first few hours of adulthood.
Despite my fears and concerns for the coming year and my regrets for this year past, I have learned one thing clearly in the last few months of my childhood.
No matter how dark things may seem, the stars are always there. God has blessed me greatly and He loves me no matter what. He will provide. All I need to do is trust.
And now I enter a new age, a new year, a new stage of life and I take a step of faith in posting this--faith that somehow God will make my meaning clear. To me as well.
Now off to bed I go. Perhaps in the morning the idea of being an adult will have sunk in some. Or perhaps not.
At least, no matter what the future may hold, I can look back on this past year, smile, and say, "Yes, seventeen was a good age to be." But now, future, here I come. Just as soon as I wake up...