Monday, March 30, 2009

A Short Story!

I wrote this for CP, and liked it a bit, so I decided to post it here. Hope you all enjoy!

Word Count: 985


The rustle of feathers and the soft cooing sound of city pigeons.

A little girl’s voice whispered sweet nothings to the creatures as she crouched in the middle of the ocean of grey. She held a handful of breadcrumbs out and the worn concrete of the plaza pulsed with little bodies, each fighting to get a bite of the food.

Blonde curls dancing in the wind and her cheeks dimpled with her delighted smile, the girl looked ethereal. Lost in her own world, she was unaware of the people passing back and forth beyond the sea of birds.

She did not note the entranced gaze of a teenager on a nearby bench.

Miriam stared at the girl, seemingly unable to look away. But it was not the scene before her that she beheld.

“Mommy! Look at me!”

Birds scattered as the childish voice called out. Swirling up, the little girl found herself in the middle of a whirlwind of feathers and beady eyes. The small animals swooped close, near enough that she could feel her hair tangling in their claws.

She laughed, throwing her arms out and spinning with their dance. Freedom filled her soul, though the word was yet unknown to her.

“Miriam! Miriam, be careful!” The woman’s voice held a sense of panic.

The girl stopped spinning and her eyes opened to peer through the fleeing birds in search of her mother. Spotting her, she bounced up and down and giggled.

“Come, mommy! Come and dance!” She waved her hand, then spun around.

She felt her finger catch on something, tugging at her throat before breaking loose with an audible snap and flying away.

“No!” Stopping mid-twirl, the little girl tossed her blonde hair out of her face and looked around frantically. At last, she spotted something glittering on the ground a few yards away and ran toward it.

A large dark shape suddenly swooped before her. Shrieking, she stumbled backwards, then watched in dismay as the ugly black bird scooped up the glittering object and flew off.

“My necklace! No! Come back!” Dismay and determination battling within her, the little girl took off running.

Focused solely on her goal to retrieve her necklace, she was unaware of her surroundings. She heard her mother’s cries as from a distance and ignored them. The bird would not steal from her and get away with it!

When she tripped over the curb and tumbled into the road, she still had no consciousness of where she was nor the increased urgency of her mothers screams. She only knew that the bird was up ahead. She could see him heading for a light post.

It was only the shrill blaring of a horn that jarred her loose from her determined chase.

And the sickening thud that ended her mother’s cries forever . . .

Miriam could feel the poorly healed wound in her heart begin to tear open once again. She closed her eyes tightly, digging her nails into her palm as she had so many times before.

[i]If only I had listened... If only I had let it go... My fault... all my fault...[/i]

She opened her eyes and found herself meeting the gaze of the little girl. Miriam looked into her twinkling blue orbs dully.

[i]If you only knew what pain exists...[/I]

The little girl’s mouth spread into an impish grin, her cheeks dimpling. Despite her mood, Miriam found the look irresistible and gave a small smile back. The grin widened and her little hand beckoned Miriam forth.

The older girl glanced about in confusion. Spotting no one else whom she could have been mistaken for, she rose and made her way through the birds.

“Hello,” she said as she approached. Looking down, she was startled by the child’s resemblance to her younger self. She crouched down so she could converse with the girl better. “I’m Miriam.”

Blue eyes sparkled and the impish smile peeked out of the corner of her mouth. “I know.”

Miriam blinked. [i]Do I know this girl? [/I] She looked around briefly to see if she recognized anyone in the crowd.

The little girl laughed and Miriam looked back to see a bird had landed on top of the crown of blonde curls. Miriam couldn’t help laughing as well.

The sound felt good coming from her throat, she hadn’t laughed in a long time.

Sparkling blue eyes met hers again and the look in them seemed far older than the girl. Little hands fitted themselves into Miriam’s larger ones.

“It wasn’t your fault.”

Miriam felt as if she had been hit in the stomach. Shock left her frozen.

“How... What...”

Just then a car horn blared. The birds let out a cry of surprise and, as one, lifted into the air. Miriam covered her face and hair and they swirled around. She could feel feathers against her skin. The sound of delighted laughter rang out through the panicked sound of the fleeing birds.

And then there was silence.

Miriam dropped her hands to look around. A few birds wandered lazily about. No sign remained of the flock there just moments before.

And the little girl was gone.

Miriam clambered to her feet and spun around searching frantically. The plaza was large, there was no place the girl could have gone so quickly.

No little girl.

Her heartbeat sounded loud in her ears. Miriam wandered back to her bench in a daze and sat down hard.

Only then did she realize that she was clutching something tightly in her hand.

Opening her fist, she gazed down at the small, child-sized locket she held.

With shaking fingers, she clicked it open.

A picture rested inside of a laughing blonde girl held close by a smiling young woman with loving eyes. An inscription faced it.

[I]To Miriam, Love Mom.[/I]

Miriam clutched the necklace to her chest as tears streamed down her cheeks.

[i]Not my fault?[/I]

Somewhere in the distance, a little girl laughed.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Ren dresses!

So... I figured I'd make the last post a little clearer. :P

The Renaissance Faire is coming nearby next month and I'm really excited. I can be a total dork about these things. I already have a cloak I made and my sister has the one I made for her... But we both wanted real costumes. So I'm going to make them! I bought a pattern for myself, but Mindless couldn't find one she liked, so I'm going to do without and just imitate what Warrior did on her costume blog. I'm excited. I'd forgotten how much I love sewing. Some parts are tedious, but as a whole, I love it.

Here's pictures of what I'm going to be doing.



That's what I'm basing Mindless' outfit off of.

And here are some pictures of my and my sister's cloaks.



So... Yup. I'll keep you all updated on my progress!


Saturday, March 28, 2009

Busy day...

For once. :P I am notorious for being rather lazy and never leaving the house. However today I left the house within two hours of getting up. Not only that, but I cooked a little before that. I went to the thrift store and got a new fedora and three books. :woot:

After that I came home and tried to see if there was a Ren dress pattern that Mindless liked. Oh yeah! I ordered one for myself the other day. It's gorgeous. I can't want to make it. After the failure of finding one for Mindless, I looked at Warrior's costume blog and decided to just try to imitate the overdress she made. Mindless doesn't mind and I made a doll sized one as a sample that came out alright. So I should be able to make one for my 5'7" little sister. It's actually easier to make full sized things. More room for mistakes. *shifty eyes*

Anyway... so yeah. I've done a lot more than usual today. All in all, a pretty good follow up to the awesome dance class last night. I got to dance with two amazing dancers which was exciting. I learned a bunch of new moves and actually got to do some awesome stuff in the waltz! My partner taught me how to dip properly. And I got to dance with the dance teacher twice. And he said I was good. *dark blush* It was pretty good.

Aaaaaanyway. I'm done rambling.

Peace, y'all.


Wednesday, March 25, 2009


I should be doing school... I just can't focus. Everything going on in life just has my mind swirling and unable to focus on such mundane things as homework. It like... I want to do well. I really do. I just... can't do it. I'm getting so ticked off with myself about it. I need to do well. I need to do well on the SAT. I need to get into college. I also need a job...

And I can't seem to focus on anything tangible. I can focus on Liss and CP and stuff like that... but I can't even focus on reading and writing... I'm getting so mad at myself.

I wonder I'f I'll be able to focus enough to make the doll dresses I ordered patterns for. *rubs head* Ugh... I really want to be able to do things. I don't know what's wrong with me.

I have so many issues... Seriously...

I wonder if I'd be able to focus on school if I was studying with people... I can focus on conversations, and chatting, and people... I wonder if a study group would help...

Not that I'd be able to find one, anyway. The only people in my class who might be willing to do something like that are the ones I blogged about a while back. The ones who don't really see me.

Although, Jessica actually spoke to me first yesterday. And I blew it by freaking out about something teacher said and drowning the discussion out by writing Jack's Tale. Ai maer. I do well in Lit anyway. My teacher has had me in English type classes for years and likes me. Same with my Writing teacher. So I feel guilty when I don't have an assignment and they give me grace because "I'm a good student."

*rubs head* I try... but I'm really not anymore...

*sighs* Oh well, I'm going to end this.

No galu govad gen. TTFN, ART.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009


I'm such an idiot...

Monday, March 23, 2009

I don't even know...

I'm so confused... I can't remember the last time I was this confused...

I got an apology message from an old friend today... I... *rubs head* I don't know what to do. I forgive her. I've forgiven her long ago... but... *curls up and rests chin on knees* She hurt me... badly. I still haven't been able to heal... I miss her. I don't deny it. I miss her like crazy... but I'm not... *bites lip hard* She shattered my trust in her... and so many others... I'm not sure... I'm not sure it'd be good for me to... Oh, I don't know!

I miss her. It hurts. A little piece of me still bleeds when I see her picture or remember the sound of her laugh in my mind. I still love her. So much. But I don't know what to do. As much as I love her, as much as I miss her... we've both changed... She destroyed my faith in human kind like so many before her have done... and it was restored by Liss and others. The place in my heart that was her's still aches, but it's smaller now. It will never be gone... but I'm not sure what will happen if I get in contact with her again... will it just be a repeat of what went before? She swore I could trust her and she betrayed me... if it happens again, will my heart be able to take it? Already it's so fragile. Friendships are harder for me. Trusting is sometimes close to impossible... The only person I can look to without fear is Liss... and even so, I keep messing things up with her... I keep failing her. Even today.

I almost made a huge mistake. It hurt her. She berated me about it and she was right... but now she feels guilty. So I made things doubly worse. I really screw up everything.

It's no wonder so many people get tired of me and leave... I wonder if the friends I have now will leave me too... I hope not... I love them. So very much. I can't lose them too...

God... I'm so confused...

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Random Evanescence Cover

My voice is shot, so don't really go by this...

Saturday, March 21, 2009


I have a best friend. Her name is Blair Michelle, or Lisse. She's the most amazing person in the world. I would do anything for her and I love her to death. She's beautiful, smart, funny, real, and most of all: loved. She has the most amazing personality and she's the one person I could tell absolutely anything to.

I'll love her forever and always, no matter what.

Im meleth le, Oré Vala nîn. No matter what. Until Eternity ends.

Almost done.

After today's performance, we're done. I can't wait. I like the play and all... but it's eating up my time and leaving me exhausted which increases stress.

Like I don't have enough stress in my life as it is.

I really miss Lisse today... I kind of failed her yesterday... *sighs and rubs head* She needed me to be strong and I freaked out about stuff.

Sometimes I find myself wishing I had never meet a friend I once had. She effectively destroyed me in the end... I still haven't managed to heal. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be whole. Everyone always talks about guys breaking your heart... but sometimes friends do it more completely.

*sighs* Anyway... I'm just really lonely today. I read a random blog post today that got me thinking about a few things. It made me examine myself. And it made me miss Liss more. Right now, I really wish I could just freak out MAJORLY without someone getting on my case about language...

*chews lip* Yes... I have the tendency to cuss a little bit when I'm really stressed... It's a horrible habit. I hate it. I'm trying to break it... but it's better then what I used to do when I was really stressed out. (See September's post: Returning) I'm just at the breaking point lately. I'm so tired that I have no reserves to fall back on. That's why I can't wait for this play to be over. I am /this/ close to asking my parents if I can stay home from church on Sunday... I know. really bad of me. Especially since I was sick last week. But I need sleep... really really badly. If I break too far... I'm afraid of what might happen.

But here I go again, doing exactly what I'm trying not to do.

Anyway. I'm off. Wish me luck in our final performance.


Friday, March 20, 2009


Dude... I have the most terrible headache. It's killing me. It's especially bothersome because it's putting a block on my attempts to edit Jack's Tale part 1. Meh.

The first day of the play was today. It went alright, I suppose. It was done a lot sooner then everyone expected it to be. That was nice. I hate my costume. I might post some pictures here eventually. Maybe. Maybe not. Creepy stalker people might see them. Although, with the way I looked, I might scare them all away from my area permanently!

Ugh, my family is watching what little bit we recorded. *falls over* I guess I'll watch it eventually, but maybe not until after tomorrows performance. I can't wait till Sunday. Then we'll be done. :woot:

Ugh. My head...

Hm. I think we're about to eat. I guess I'd better sign off.

TTFN, ART. No galu govad gen!

I tried...

"Everything You Ever Wanted"

I walk the line
Leave it all behind
I've been waiting forever
Lets go back in time
When I could read your mind
Still I've been waiting

It took the seasons going by
To know its not my fault

I tried to be perfect, tried to be honest
Tried to be everything that you ever wanted
I tried to be stronger, tried to be smarter
Tried to be everything but you

Its been so long
Since you've been home
I used to wait up forever
I used to say a prayer
Wishing you were there
And I'm still waiting

You told me once
You'd show up
But I fell for that
Before I fell to pieces
Then I woke up
To no one,
Just a picture of Jesus
And a house left in pieces

It took the seasons going by
To know its not my fault

I tried to be perfect, tried to be honest
Tried to be everything that you ever wanted
I tried to be stronger, tried to be smarter
Tried to be everything but you

I wanted you
I need you
I want to believe you
I wanted you
I need you
I want to believe you

I tried to be perfect, tried to be honest
tried to be everything but you

I tried to be perfect, tried to be honest
Tried to be everything that you ever wanted
I tried to be stronger, tried to be smarter
Tried to be everything but you

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

New Story!

I'm working on a new story and Liss suggested that I post a synopsis here. So I will.

TITLE: Jack's Tale (working title)
GENRE: Romance
THEME(S): No idea...
CHAPTERS: I should have around six when I'm done.
BASIC PLOT: Jack is a thief. On a failed job one night, he meets a girl. She sticks in his mind despite the briefness of their contact and he regrets the lost chance to get to know her. Until she shows up again in the least likely of places.

So far I have about 2k done which is the first chapter. It's pretty fun. Jack is self-centered and arrogant and believes he can do no wrong. It's my first time writing a pompous jerk and it's rather entertaining.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Last year this time I was exhausted from all the dancing I'd been doing. But this year I gave up the shows for drama.

So instead I just feel fat and lazy. :P

Seriously... I miss it. But I'm loving acting again. Even if the preparation for the play is driving me up the wall. I haven't made it all the way to production time in so long. I love it. I'd actually forgotten how much I adore acting.

I feel so busy right now, but I know I'm really not. I need to be a lot more busy. I just... *makes a face* I can never apply myself unless it's a short goal project. I try, I really do. I /want/ to get things done. I'm just... incapable of it. It drives me crazy. I might have to talk to Ms. Michelle and see if I can work with her to figure out a way to set up my papers with short term goals so... Meh.

Anyway, co-op today, so off I go.

Happy St. Patrick's Day all. Even though I'm not Catholic. :P Just Irish.

God Bless!


Monday, March 16, 2009


The play's this Friday and I'm one of the only ones with my lines memorized. Okay, so I have less lines then most of them, but some of them don't seem like they've even tried. It's just frustrating.

I got my costume today, so that's good. I still have to try to sew Dessil's tonight, though. I just wish my mom would stop reminding me and just trust me to get it done for once. She has absolutely no faith in me.

I'm enjoying the play. I'm enjoying my role. It's just a little more stressful then I was hoping it would be.

Oh well, I guess that's why it's called drama.

Um... drawing a mind blank. I guess I'll shut up now. Maybe I'll go call Liss.


Sunday, March 15, 2009


I'm sick. Not too badly, but I still don't feel well. Oh well, I'll probably get to watch Memoirs of a Geisha or Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon tonight to make up for it.

I've been doing some writing lately. I made a goal with myself to write at least a page every night. So far I've done it since I started. Two days ago. I count that as doing fairly well. I'm working on an AAP. I actually like my character fairly well. I'm looking forward to the story.

Speaking of which...


I love it. I feel kind of like a trespasser... but I'm hoping maybe I'll fit in someday. It's been nice to have it today when I've been sick and Liss has been gone most of the day. I've posted two things there so far. I wonder if I'll get feedback on either...

Anyway, everyone there is just as awesome and wonderful as Lisse said they were. I'm not surprised seeing as they're the people she's chosen for her friends. I wonder if I'll be able to call many of them my friends soon. I (perhaps wrongly) already consider Mir a friend, and I've been talking on FB with Linny, so perhaps her as well. They're both wonderful. Of course, everyone is. And they're all amazing writers to boot. Reading their stuff I can see that I have so much to learn.

But... anyway... I think dinner might be ready. I'm getting lightheaded again and I can smell food. Why do we never eat on time? *grumbles about this*

Anyway, I'm off. TTYL, ART.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Another post just for the sake of it.

Yeah... I don't know. I just feel like posting. Today's been pretty stressful. Drama was long and exhausting on top of a really late night and I couldn't seem to stop fighting with my mom... We don't get along on the best of days, but today was particularly bad. I'm not proud of my behavior... I did manage to get to the library for the first time in a while. I got:

The Turn of the Screw by Henry James (I'm doing a report for Lit on it.)
A Portrait of A Lady by Henry James (It looked interesting.)
City of Bones (I wanted to. :P)

So I should have fun with that. I'm already partly into The Turn of the Screw and it's pretty good. A little hard for my tired mind to follow, but I'm liking it. It's a ghost story. :D

Other than that... I dunno. I got to wear a new shirt I just got for the first time today and I love it. It makes me feel "cool." (aka: My version of cool which varies from a lot of others. :P) I actually liked my outfit a lot today. I think it was a pretty "me" outfit. So I felt a little less awkward than usual. I did feel pretty lonely all day, but that's because I don't really have a friends at school. I talk to most people in drama occasionally, but... I'm not part of the "in crowd." Highschool at my co-op is divided into two groups. The "in crowd" and my group, the "outcasts." There's about... Six of us? Myself, Koby, Bitty, Ryn, Katie #1, my sister, Sarah, and sometimes Naomi. Okay. Eight. Typically I don't mind... but sometimes it gets to me. Especially now that I'm not fitting in well with my crowd anymore. *laughs a little* That's kind of weird actually, because it really is my crowd. I hold it together, I brought its beginning. People have come and gone, but myself (and Koby) have always been there. Koby may be on his way out though due to a bunch of fights between him and many of the others. I'm about the only one that still talks to him. I'm really the only one holding the group together. But I'm fading out. Like I fade out of everything. I just don't fit in there anymore... I... *sighs* I want to be... not necessarily a part of the "in crowd" but I want to be friends with some of them. I've been there as long a most of the older ones and longer than the majority. But I've never had a place with them. And it hurts sometimes. To know that even now I'm still rejected. *rests chin on hand* Many of them are nice people. I could be friends with them. I know I could be. But... they... *sighs* I guess social status.

That's one of the many reasons I want to go to a real school next year. I want to start over. I want to actually be known for who I am. Not just who I was.

You know... I probably know more about half the kids at co-op than my parents know about me. At least, about the present. And they know my name... *sighs* It's kind of depressing to be invisible.

But I've probably been rambling on long enough. I didn't mean to bore anyone, if anyone reads this, it's just something that's been on my mind a lot lately.

Ooh, sibs are watching Gilligan's Island. :P That was a fun show. I've seen most of the episodes. After watching it every Friday night for about... two years? though, it got a little old. I started bailing out on the season three episodes so I haven't seen all of those. I prefer the old Sherlock Holms shows or The Waltons. I like The Andy Griffith Show too. They had good shows "in the old days." :P

*yawns a little* I wish I had my CP account already. Nia should be going through the applications today. I REALLY hope I get in this time around. If I don't, Liss is probably going to kill me. *hides*

I wonder if I'll fit in on CP... I know so much about everyone and they know little to nothing about me. I'm afraid I'll scare people... Normally I wouldn't really care... but I really want the people there to like me... Liss speaks so highly of them. I care about their opinions of me... *sighs a little* But I won't work myself into a state of paranoia now... I should (hopefully) be able to find out tomorrow.

I'm going to stop writing now. I'm getting tired.


Thursday, March 12, 2009


I don't know... Sometimes I just want to give up, you know.

I feel like such crap lately.

Ugh... I just don't know...

"Going Under"

Now I will tell you what I've done for you -
50 thousand tears I've cried.
Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you -
And you still won't hear me.
(going under)
Don't want your hand this time - I'll save myself.
Maybe I'll wake up for once (wake up for once)
Not tormented daily defeated by you
Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom

I'm dying again

I'm going under (going under)
Drowning in you (drowning in you)
I'm falling forever (falling forever)
I've got to break through
I'm going under

Blurring and stirring - the truth and the lies.
(So I don't know what's real) So I don't know what's real and what's not (and what's not)
Always confusing the thoughts in my head
So I can't trust myself anymore

I'm dying again

I'm going under (going under)
Drowning in you (drowning in you)
I'm falling forever (falling forever)
I've got to break through

So go on and scream
Scream at me I'm so far away (so far away)
I won't be broken again (again)
I've got to breathe - I can't keep going under

I'm dying again

I'm going under (going under)
Drowning in you (drowning in you)
I'm falling forever (falling forever)
I've got to break through

I'm going under (going under)
I'm going under (drowning in you)
I'm going under

Sunday, March 8, 2009

I don't know.. I just feel like posting something.

The title says it all. I'm just going to leave this page up for awhile and post randomly when I have a thought.

My sister sent me the first part of her NaNo yesterday for me to start editing. Yay! I just did my first piece of real feedback yesterday too as preparation for joining CP. It was actually pretty fun. Not enough to want to be an editor for my career, but it wasn't torture. I just have no confidence in my skills. I'm afraid if I point out everything I see I'll crush someone's spirit. Or that if I go too lightly they'll think I'm stupid. *hides* I'm paranoid...

*sighs* Thinking depressing thoughts about not fitting in now. I should stop. Meh.

Another topic... another topic...

I'm getting hungry. I think we're supposed to be having lunch soon. I hope so, at least. I need to cut back on how much I'm eating, though. I'm starting to overeat at meals. >_< I guess it's a stress reliever of sorts. But then I just get more stressed when I look in the mirror... I don't have a problem with people who are heavier. I think some people look absolutely gorgeous like that. I have a friend as an example. However, I'm not one of those people. Plus, it's a bad thing when it comes to dance.

Oops. Someone was chasing my sister's cat and I thought it was my most ill-behaved brother so I scolded him... Only to find out that it was my sister. Strangeness.

Actually, I have no room to speak. This whole blog post so far is strangeness.

I need to call Ema. Why can't lunch hurry up? I have to wait till it's over to call...

Hm... to keep posting or to open up Dessil's story... *ponders this* To edit, or not to edit that is the question. For whether it is better to post or to red-pen a siblings work... :P

Well, that's not technically right... it would be red font since I'm not printing it out... but red pen sounds better. :P

I think I'll just go ahead and submit this post. I might do another later, but I'm done-ish for now.

TTFN, ART! (Ta-Ta For Now, Anyone-Reading-This)

Friday, March 6, 2009


...I'm not okay. I don't really know what's wrong. I'm just... not okay. *shrugs* Life has been too hard lately. I don't know what the deal is. I'm just having trouble handling everything.

Maybe I'm just tired...


I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be