Friday, March 13, 2009

Another post just for the sake of it.

Yeah... I don't know. I just feel like posting. Today's been pretty stressful. Drama was long and exhausting on top of a really late night and I couldn't seem to stop fighting with my mom... We don't get along on the best of days, but today was particularly bad. I'm not proud of my behavior... I did manage to get to the library for the first time in a while. I got:

The Turn of the Screw by Henry James (I'm doing a report for Lit on it.)
A Portrait of A Lady by Henry James (It looked interesting.)
City of Bones (I wanted to. :P)

So I should have fun with that. I'm already partly into The Turn of the Screw and it's pretty good. A little hard for my tired mind to follow, but I'm liking it. It's a ghost story. :D

Other than that... I dunno. I got to wear a new shirt I just got for the first time today and I love it. It makes me feel "cool." (aka: My version of cool which varies from a lot of others. :P) I actually liked my outfit a lot today. I think it was a pretty "me" outfit. So I felt a little less awkward than usual. I did feel pretty lonely all day, but that's because I don't really have a friends at school. I talk to most people in drama occasionally, but... I'm not part of the "in crowd." Highschool at my co-op is divided into two groups. The "in crowd" and my group, the "outcasts." There's about... Six of us? Myself, Koby, Bitty, Ryn, Katie #1, my sister, Sarah, and sometimes Naomi. Okay. Eight. Typically I don't mind... but sometimes it gets to me. Especially now that I'm not fitting in well with my crowd anymore. *laughs a little* That's kind of weird actually, because it really is my crowd. I hold it together, I brought its beginning. People have come and gone, but myself (and Koby) have always been there. Koby may be on his way out though due to a bunch of fights between him and many of the others. I'm about the only one that still talks to him. I'm really the only one holding the group together. But I'm fading out. Like I fade out of everything. I just don't fit in there anymore... I... *sighs* I want to be... not necessarily a part of the "in crowd" but I want to be friends with some of them. I've been there as long a most of the older ones and longer than the majority. But I've never had a place with them. And it hurts sometimes. To know that even now I'm still rejected. *rests chin on hand* Many of them are nice people. I could be friends with them. I know I could be. But... they... *sighs* I guess social status.

That's one of the many reasons I want to go to a real school next year. I want to start over. I want to actually be known for who I am. Not just who I was.

You know... I probably know more about half the kids at co-op than my parents know about me. At least, about the present. And they know my name... *sighs* It's kind of depressing to be invisible.

But I've probably been rambling on long enough. I didn't mean to bore anyone, if anyone reads this, it's just something that's been on my mind a lot lately.

Ooh, sibs are watching Gilligan's Island. :P That was a fun show. I've seen most of the episodes. After watching it every Friday night for about... two years? though, it got a little old. I started bailing out on the season three episodes so I haven't seen all of those. I prefer the old Sherlock Holms shows or The Waltons. I like The Andy Griffith Show too. They had good shows "in the old days." :P

*yawns a little* I wish I had my CP account already. Nia should be going through the applications today. I REALLY hope I get in this time around. If I don't, Liss is probably going to kill me. *hides*

I wonder if I'll fit in on CP... I know so much about everyone and they know little to nothing about me. I'm afraid I'll scare people... Normally I wouldn't really care... but I really want the people there to like me... Liss speaks so highly of them. I care about their opinions of me... *sighs a little* But I won't work myself into a state of paranoia now... I should (hopefully) be able to find out tomorrow.

I'm going to stop writing now. I'm getting tired.


No comments: