Thursday, December 29, 2011

Lack of honesty

Today I had something I really wanted to say, but after having to revise it multiple times, and eventually giving up and not saying it at all, I was reminded that I can't really be honest or open with anyone. All my communications go through a filter. I don't think there's ever been anyone who knew what was really going on inside of me at a particular moment. Even when I want to tell people things, I can't. There are so many reasons why I can't confide in people. For this individual it's such-and-such a reason. For this group, it's because of so-and-so.

I can't confide in anyone but God, and it gets a little hard just whispering my thoughts and feelings to a seemingly empty sky. I mean, I know He's there, but when I don't feel him and I don't get a response, it can be a bit hard. Especially about certain things. Things where I need advice. Where I'm feeling lost without someone to help me work through things. In those cases, I wish I had someone I could talk to.

Even this post is going outside my comfort zone. And I already did that once today with negative results. I just wish sometimes that we never had to change. That we could find our comfort zones and never budge. Sure, it may still be lonely, but at least it's not painful too.