Sisters & Giggles

And again life has taken a turn. This time for the better. I am no longer torn apart. What I was missing has returned and while things are not yet quite the same as before, I have hope that someday they will be. And in twenty days I should now for sure and if my hopes follow through I pray that I will feel truly whole again.

In twenty days I am going to MI to spend a few wodnerulf weeks with a beautiful Angel. It will be so near to perfect. Only two things could make it any better and I think if I got those two I would explode. But still, I wouldn't really mind exploding if it meant I could see Ema, Hannah, and Lisse all together again before I died. :P So maybe we could try it next year. Hehe. That would be splendid fun! But this year will still be beyond perfection! I love Áre so! I can't believe I'll be seeing her again in less than a month! And for so long! It nearly unfathomable! *shivers in delight* What wonders! *closes eye and dreams* To spend every day with her and to not have to leave even when night falls. To not have to leave for over three glorious weeks. Oh... How marvelous it will be! I cannot even begin to describe it! Nay, I cannot even truly imagine it. It cannot be imagined. I will not even try for imagination could never do it justice. No, instead I will dream and wait. It is not too far off. Twenty days is a mere blink compared to May and though there will not be two Angels there, I would wait twice the length of May's wait to spend even a week with my Áre!

I really am exceedingly lucky. I have the most marvelous friends anyone in the world could ask for. And the most beautiful. ((If I hear a word of protest from any of you, pokes will be forthcoming!)) My Sisters are so incredible and I have the best big Sister ((Ema: Big Lisse!)) in the world.

Speaking of Lisse, she truly is splendid. I fell in love with her ((Not that way, Libby!)) the very first time I met her and every time I talk to her, everything new that I learn just makes me love her more. *hugs Lisse tightly* She's truly amazing and despite what might be said, I need her very very very much if even just to make me laugh when I don't want to smile. And she's incredibly good at that, I might add. I might have to hire her as my jester once I become world ruler. :* I admit I'm a bit jealous though. She certainly got the long stick in some aspects of life. After all, not everyone gets the lovely looks, the stunning smile, and the incredible personality. *shakes head with a sad expression* I guess the rest of the world just missed out on the splendid genes all my Sisters got!

*giggles* I have the oddest feeling I'm going to get poked for some of the content of this post. But it's all true! No matter what anyone says! Besides, God agrees with me. Are you going to argue with Him? Hm??? Didn't thank so. *smiles sweetly*

*rolls eyes* I have gotten exceedingly silly the past couple of days! I blame it on Lisse! She made me too happy. <_< Then againg, it's also due to the return of something I was missing very much, so I can't blame it all on Lisse. *sighs* What a shame. She's so easy to blame. ((Kidding. :P))

And now that I have rambled, gushed, and adored I have quite run out of things to say! Dear me! I suppose that means I should end before I make a fool of myself. Well, farewell all my dear and faithful readers. *coughcough* Until my next post! *bows with a flourish*

No galu govad gen!

Breathing.

And the world yet spins. My life has been so crazy this past month that it's almost a miracle. But the world does not seem to care if my life has turned upside down. But perhaps that's a good thing. While things have not yet changed, I'm learning to cope. I'm living my life, I'm laughing, I'm singing, I'm even happy a good part of the time. But still I can always feel what's missing. The hallow ache in my chest when I see a picture, see a name, a phrase I wish to share, but can't. This happened to me before. Years ago. But this time it's harder. This time the ache feels somehow larger, even though this time I have else to help heal the emptiness. But it isn't the same. I'm here, alive, happy. And yet, I'm not. A portion of me has been torn away and I still await its return. Will it ever come? And if it does indeed return, can things ever go back to the way they were? The hallow inside has widened, the absence on my Heart causing damage, tearing apart what held it in. And now, if it returns how will it fit now that the hole is so much larger than before? And with each memory, each joke, each reminder the hole widens and I fear that soon it might never be able to be repaired and that even if it was to return, nothing could make it fit like before and that slowly, but surely it would slip away with nothing to keep it where it belongs. But would that be better? With the fragility of my nature would it be better to let go and let it be held by others? But how could I? How could I continue knowing that it was lost to me forever? Even with my other half still remaining I do not think I could ever be whole again and the hole inside would only widen until it consumed me and I lost myself entirely. No, I cannot let go. But still I fear. What if I have lost it already? So far away. So long gone. What if it does not wish to return? Or what if it cannot? I could not force it back. And perhaps that means that I must indeed let it go. From what I have seen it does not seem to suffer away, so perhaps that is what is best. To let go. But for now I cannot think of that. Unless I am told to let go, I will not. But still I bleed and that I cannot stop. Even when I laugh in real happiness a part of me still cries. I am not whole. I pray I might be one day, but I do not know. For not I just breathe. I breathe and try to act as if nothing is missing. I smile, I laugh, and I pray for its return. But all I can do is wait.

Well...

Qute a bit has happened since my last post. Little of it explainible. Certain things have not changed yet, but others have. I've been spending more time with God and it's been invigorating. However, I still miss my Heart and am still awaiting it's return.

I'm planning on starting a forum. One for a spetacular book I'm reading titled Lies Young Women Believe: And the Truth that Sets Them Free. I'm waiting to hear back if it would be a problem, but it should hopefully work out.

Last night was a real relief. I'm often plagued with nightmares, but last night, though my dream was strange, it was not unpleasent. I do believe I have Ema to thank for that as she tells me she requsted it of Him. So thank you, Dearest.

As my computer freaked out the other day I'm finishing this up while on the phone with Ema. I suppose I'll post it soon. There's really nothing to say.

Ai maer. No galu govad gen.

So confused...

It's strange how life can take turns. How one day everything is perfect and the next you're losing the fight against the evil one. When in a moment everything is turned upside down and what you thought you had forever is taken from you. Your Heart, ripped from your hands. The pain is unequalable. Through all my fears and nightmares nothing compares to the real thing. My heart, gone and I don't know when I'll get it back. And it's so bloody hard to breathe, to function, without my Heart. I need it and I don't know that I ever before realized how much. The hollowness is unlike anything... Though another heart still beats, it's as if a part of me has been cut off. I'm functioning with only half of me and it's killing me... This fear... this fear that I may never again have my Heart back... it's paralyzing. It's so hard to believe that He's in control of this... so hard to believe that this is part of His plan... I feel like I'm spiraling out of control with no sign of stopping before I hit the rocks below. Wings unable to fly with only one half working. And it frightens me. I don't want to feel like this. I want to understand, to be free, to fly, to have my Heart back again... But I don't know that I ever will again. Because so many things stand in the way. And I'm afraid. But perhaps that is, all told, the root of the problem. Fear laying me down again and again. Holding me back. But how do I conquer that fear, throw myself off the edge and let myself fall, not in fear, but in trust? Because when I'm falling so far, it's fear that takes hold. It's the rocks below that I see, not the arms held out patiently, waiting for me to return. And in my fear, I run. I fear the drop of Faith, so I avoid it. I cling to the rock ledge with my weak hands and try to save myself. When I'm falling, I'm calling out to Him, but why is it that I also find myself still fighting to grab for momentary safety on my own? And the worst? I see it, but I don't know how to fix it... Prayer: Empty words that I try to mean and only find myself repeating hollowly. Scripture: Words that seldom seem more than that though I try to understand what they are saying. Church: A place that I fight to avoid, full of false faces and empty messages. The only time He seems real is when I talk with my Hearts. But lately they've been pushing me away, telling me I must find him on my own. But I don't know how. I try. I do try. But nothing happens... and that's why I wonder if it's me. Is it that He doesn't want me? I honestly wonder, yet whenever I say such I am shot down, my questions tossed aside with sure declarations otherwise, but nothing to help change the feeling that I am still unwanted by the one I once, and long to again, call Father... I'm so confused... Too much has happened lately for me to understand... for me to deal with... And I'm tired. Spiritually, emotionally, and physically. I long to curl up and sleep this away. The pain, the confusion, the emptiness, and the fear. But I fear I would never wake. And I can't leave. Not without my Heart with me once more. But I don't know what to do. I just don't know.

Seven days

One week exactly. It's amazing. A month ago it seemed it would never come, but now I'm two days away from meeting my Angels and holding them in my arms. The thought is enough to cause me to gasp for breath. One week...

I was looking through my old PMs recently. One year ago this month Amma and I realized that it would be impossible for us to meet. She lived in New Jersey, I in Georgia. I had family up there, but with her parents as protective as they are, there would be no way to arrange a meeting. It was upsetting at the time, but as months passed and we grew closer the idea that I would never meet her became devastating. I would dream of ways we might possibly meet, either by chance, or by planning once we could. But it was difficult to know I would have to wait so long. Then Amma introduced me to Hannah. Another Heart-Sister I would never meet. As I have very few friends outside of the Internet (none at the time) it broke my heart to think I would never meet the two people I loved so much. Then an idea, a wisp of a possibility. A New Jersey party was being planned and Amma was thinking of going. Almost have joking and with no expectations, I asked my mother if she thought we could plan a trip up to visit family at that time, and attend the party while there. It was a shock when she actually accepted the idea and said that we would look into it. For the first time I had hope of meeting one of my Angels. I told her so and we became fixated on the idea of making it happen. And then Hannah said she would try to attend as well. It was incredible! We were going from none of us ever meeting, to all of us meeting at once! But the party was still months away and plans and situations still had to be worked through.

There were several near calls for me in going to the party. A few of them had to do with money, a couple were half-threatened punishments (My father said that if I didn't go to the prom, I wasn't going to the party. You can imagine I got my dress on in a hurry.), and a couple instances of something else entirely. Being as insecure as I am, there have been a few occasions where I've wondered if Amma and Hannah really want me to come, or if they are more interested in just being together. I still wonder sometimes, but through talking with my Angels, I know it's just his lies whispering in my ear. I know that they love me and want me, and even when his lies are taking over my mind, I can still feel it. Otherwise, why would I be here now?

Now... One week... In one week I will touch my Angels for the first time. Tell them I love you to their faces. Finally hear Amma's voice and see her face outside of my dreams. One week. So close. And closer still since we leave Thursday morning. Six days until that. Ai, it makes me tremble to think on it. One week. No longer a month, two months, 100 days... the marks we had celebrated before. No. It's close enough to know the weather on the day we meet, close enough that I can almost feel their arms around me and their voices in my ear... So close... So close to the thing that was never supposed to happen, but for His grace. All I can do is praise Him. Thank Him for giving us this chance.

Father, I can never thank you enough for giving us this. For pouring your love upon us in such an amazing way. And oh God, how could I ever give you half the devotion worthy of the amazing, unmeasurable, indescribable gift of my Angels. All I can do is to thank you until eternity ends.

One week...

No galu govad gen.

Spilling Thoughts

So school is over. I suppose I'm a Junior now... how odd. And Koby's a Senior. Everything is changing. Some for the better, some for the worse... I'm not quite sure how I feel about all of this. A lot of mixed emotions and feelings are running through my head right now...

Christian World Views class ended today. I'm sad to see it go. It was a great class. We went over the past year today (though we got sidetracked by a few discussions) and in the conversation two things came up that caught my attention. The first was a positive, though something that I hadn't given a whole lot of thought to before. It was the idea of wives submitting to their husbands. My friend Bitty was saying how she didn't like that wives had to submit to their husbands as she felt that indicated that women were inferior. However, Ms. Michelle talked about the fallacy of that statement and how it's a blessing to be under our husbands as it means the guys have to shoulder the responsibility of the family. Bitty was still a bit unhappy about the thought, especially when Ms. Michelle said that though she had no problems with woman working, once a woman is married, the home should come first and when there are children, work should be put aside until they're older. I agree with this completely and have decided what I will do. I plan to become a youth counsellor and I will work full time before marriage. After I marry however, I will take off for the first few months to a year to get settled and learn how to run a home, then go back part time. When children come, I'll stop working until they are in high school at the earliest. Some people might say that it's stupid to give up a career for family, but I've never dreamed of a career, I've always dreamed of being a mom and I'm not going to screw it up for a career. As for the submission part? I'm not worried. I know my husband is going to be absolutely amazing for two reasons:
1) I trust God's plan
2) He has to be better than my girlies. And let me tell you that will be a challenge!

The second thing we discussed was the poor and the problems with the government making it easy on them and giving them things like free stuff, food stamps and the like. Everyone was trashing that concept, saying that it's stupid for the government to make it easy on them so they don't have to do as much. Ms. Michelle seems to be pretty heavily against food stamps. *twists ring around finger* My family is on food stamps... We aren't per se poor in that we live in the streets, but it's a struggle to make ends meet. We couldn't buy groceries for over a week last month because we had no money to We woke up to thirty seven cents in the bank one morning... Total. *sighs and shakes head* My dad does the best he can and it kills him to have to see that he can't provide for his family the way he wants to. He takes every extra job he can get, but there's no work... And to hear all the others in my class say that people shouldn't be given food stamps because it encourages them to be lazy... it hurt. My dad is anything but lazy. But things aren't working... *bites lip and runs hand through hair* Ai... I don't know why I'm saying this...

No galu govad gen, mellyn nîn.

A World Without God...

Another thing about me that you might have noticed is that I'm terrible about keeping up with my blogs. I have nothing to say, so I say nothing. However, I am now forcing myself to write, which mean, I'm sure, that it will be horrible.

I was thinking the other day about the state of our world, our culture, today. Especially in America. The crime rate, the suicide rate, the drug, abortion, and teen pregnancy rates are all going up. Why? Is it due to television, video games, and other media? Perhaps partly, but then, what is the reason the media has taken a turn for the worse as well? When did it start? Could it have been when we first started removing God from our government, from our schools, our publicity? After all, without God and Biblical morals what means is there to judge right and wrong. Who is to say weather it's right or wrong to have premarital sex? With only the vote of the people to determine the truth and the basis for right and wrong it cannot be any surprise that without a higher authority to defer to that the morals of our country are falling apart. Just look around at any public high school. They take God out of schools to "protect the rights of the students" but without a means to determine what is right or wrong it gives these students the idea that they are free to do as they like. After all, if this is the end there's no reason not to have the most fun possible and if there's no hell as payment for sin, why not go to that wild party down the street or try out that drug every one's doing?

*sighs, shaking head* Removing God from our government and schools is the worst decision this country has ever made.

And now that I've finished my rant: No galu govad gen. My God bless you and keep you and cause his face to shine upon you. My He be gracious to you and may He give you peace.