Friday, July 11, 2008
And the world yet spins. My life has been so crazy this past month that it's almost a miracle. But the world does not seem to care if my life has turned upside down. But perhaps that's a good thing. While things have not yet changed, I'm learning to cope. I'm living my life, I'm laughing, I'm singing, I'm even happy a good part of the time. But still I can always feel what's missing. The hallow ache in my chest when I see a picture, see a name, a phrase I wish to share, but can't. This happened to me before. Years ago. But this time it's harder. This time the ache feels somehow larger, even though this time I have else to help heal the emptiness. But it isn't the same. I'm here, alive, happy. And yet, I'm not. A portion of me has been torn away and I still await its return. Will it ever come? And if it does indeed return, can things ever go back to the way they were? The hallow inside has widened, the absence on my Heart causing damage, tearing apart what held it in. And now, if it returns how will it fit now that the hole is so much larger than before? And with each memory, each joke, each reminder the hole widens and I fear that soon it might never be able to be repaired and that even if it was to return, nothing could make it fit like before and that slowly, but surely it would slip away with nothing to keep it where it belongs. But would that be better? With the fragility of my nature would it be better to let go and let it be held by others? But how could I? How could I continue knowing that it was lost to me forever? Even with my other half still remaining I do not think I could ever be whole again and the hole inside would only widen until it consumed me and I lost myself entirely. No, I cannot let go. But still I fear. What if I have lost it already? So far away. So long gone. What if it does not wish to return? Or what if it cannot? I could not force it back. And perhaps that means that I must indeed let it go. From what I have seen it does not seem to suffer away, so perhaps that is what is best. To let go. But for now I cannot think of that. Unless I am told to let go, I will not. But still I bleed and that I cannot stop. Even when I laugh in real happiness a part of me still cries. I am not whole. I pray I might be one day, but I do not know. For not I just breathe. I breathe and try to act as if nothing is missing. I smile, I laugh, and I pray for its return. But all I can do is wait.