Wednesday, June 11, 2008

So confused...

It's strange how life can take turns. How one day everything is perfect and the next you're losing the fight against the evil one. When in a moment everything is turned upside down and what you thought you had forever is taken from you. Your Heart, ripped from your hands. The pain is unequalable. Through all my fears and nightmares nothing compares to the real thing. My heart, gone and I don't know when I'll get it back. And it's so bloody hard to breathe, to function, without my Heart. I need it and I don't know that I ever before realized how much. The hollowness is unlike anything... Though another heart still beats, it's as if a part of me has been cut off. I'm functioning with only half of me and it's killing me... This fear... this fear that I may never again have my Heart back... it's paralyzing. It's so hard to believe that He's in control of this... so hard to believe that this is part of His plan... I feel like I'm spiraling out of control with no sign of stopping before I hit the rocks below. Wings unable to fly with only one half working. And it frightens me. I don't want to feel like this. I want to understand, to be free, to fly, to have my Heart back again... But I don't know that I ever will again. Because so many things stand in the way. And I'm afraid. But perhaps that is, all told, the root of the problem. Fear laying me down again and again. Holding me back. But how do I conquer that fear, throw myself off the edge and let myself fall, not in fear, but in trust? Because when I'm falling so far, it's fear that takes hold. It's the rocks below that I see, not the arms held out patiently, waiting for me to return. And in my fear, I run. I fear the drop of Faith, so I avoid it. I cling to the rock ledge with my weak hands and try to save myself. When I'm falling, I'm calling out to Him, but why is it that I also find myself still fighting to grab for momentary safety on my own? And the worst? I see it, but I don't know how to fix it... Prayer: Empty words that I try to mean and only find myself repeating hollowly. Scripture: Words that seldom seem more than that though I try to understand what they are saying. Church: A place that I fight to avoid, full of false faces and empty messages. The only time He seems real is when I talk with my Hearts. But lately they've been pushing me away, telling me I must find him on my own. But I don't know how. I try. I do try. But nothing happens... and that's why I wonder if it's me. Is it that He doesn't want me? I honestly wonder, yet whenever I say such I am shot down, my questions tossed aside with sure declarations otherwise, but nothing to help change the feeling that I am still unwanted by the one I once, and long to again, call Father... I'm so confused... Too much has happened lately for me to understand... for me to deal with... And I'm tired. Spiritually, emotionally, and physically. I long to curl up and sleep this away. The pain, the confusion, the emptiness, and the fear. But I fear I would never wake. And I can't leave. Not without my Heart with me once more. But I don't know what to do. I just don't know.


KaleCharis said...

Hey Blacky,
Ah, life can be tough sometimes. It's so hard to see how God's going to bring you through something when you're in the midst of it. Don't give up hope, he's there, and he promised that if you seek him, you'll find him. He also said that he'd never leave you or forsake you. It's true that you can't live on someone else's faith, otherwise it's like when David tried to wear Saul's armor - it just doesn't work.

It's so hard to step out in faith. Even when I know God want me to do something I like to hang on to where I feel safe and it's so scary to let go.

I just wanted to let you know I'm praying for you. I've agonized over stuff like this so often. Don't give up on seeking God, I know everything can seem so shallow and empty, but God will reward you in the end.

He wants you. Romans 5:8 says "While we were still sinners Christ died for us." He loved us when no one else did. He wants to hold you close and tell you that over and over again. Words can be so meaningless, and I could never believe until God showed me it was true despite what everyone told me.

Faith isn't easy, but God will help you. He really will.

Love you,


I'm sorry life is so hard for you. Never give up. You're worth it.