Life is a Flicker

I don't really know why I'm randomly updating here. I guess because I have limited other options for sharing thoughts like this that I don't want all of Facebook to know.

I got a message today from one of my best friends. Apparently she and her friend got into a car wreck today. She survived thanks to the airbags with only a few busted ribs, bruises, and a gash on her forehead.

She could have died.

That's what I can't get past. I keep getting hung up on that thought. But for the grace of God, she could have died.

The idea terrifies me. I mean, I know that she would be in a better place, but... the idea of this world without her is unfathomable. I've never had someone close to me die. Even my Grandmother didn't have that much of an impact on my life when she died when I was 11.

But someone young, younger than me. Someone so full of life and joy, who makes me smile a hundred times a day... the idea of them being gone--erased from the world in an instant without me ever getting to say goodbye or let them know how much I love them one last time--is numbing. Chilling. I literally couldn't breath when the idea first hit me.

She could be dead right now. That text I got from her on Tuesday could have been the last thing I ever heard from her.

I know that's not how I should be thinking. I should be singing, dancing, rejoicing, and praising God that she's alive and okay. And, in a way, I am.

But I suppose I'm in shock. I've lived a golden life, in a lot of ways. While bad stuff has happened, I've never lost someone very, very important to me in a permanent way. The idea of it stuns me. I don't know how to deal with it.

If my brain wasn't so dead from exhaustion and cram studying, it might be easier to think through everything, but as it is I think the next few days need to be filled with a few long, very specific prayer sessions to sort through all of these thoughts and emotions.

So that was my random, long overdue update.

Until next time, when it's hopefully not 2:30 and I'm looking at four hours of sleep before my exam.

No galu govad gen.

It's ridiculous how lonely I am. It makes me sick to my stomach. It keeps me perpetually on the verge of tears. I feel like there's a huge wall or a deep crevice separating me from the rest of the world. And it's cold and lonely.

I have friends, I won't try to say that I don't. But, lately, I don't have anyone that I can talk to. Either timing, distance, or a number of other factors places a barrier between my heart and head and everyone else. There's so much inside of me that there is no room for me. The noise inside is swallowing me. The real me. Actually, I don't even remember who or what that is anymore. I just feel it missing. Is it weird that I'm lonely for myself as well?

It's like there's this emptiness. Surrounding me, filling me. It's swallowing my world and leaving little pieces of me floating around in the void that remains. It's lonely. Heartbreakingly lonely. It's rather like the feeling of being homesick, but I'm already home. I'm sitting in my living room right now as I type this.

I look at the people I know, at their facebooks, at their faces, at their phone numbers. Sometimes I even get to the point of opening a message window or readying a call. But then I realize I don't even know what I would say or how I would keep up the communication. In my loneliness, I've lost my voice.

I'm so tired all of the time. And that's when it hits me the hardest. When I'm worn out and worn down and I just want to turn to someone and say, "I can't do it anymore. Let's take a break. Make me smile," and there's no one for me to go to. When I just need to talk to someone, anyone, but there's not a single number that I know I can dial at two am.

I'm forgetting what it's like to be friends with people. Not what it's like to have friends. Just what it's like to be friends. To talk for hours about nothing and everything. To drop a random note and have it turn into a conversation you have to be dragged away from. To laugh so hard you're not sure you'll ever breathe again. I miss it, but I'm forgetting what it is that I miss.

It's lonely when you've forgotten how to live. When every day is just about surviving until you fall asleep and then starting it all over again. It's lonely when you can't be your real self to anyone. It's lonely when you forget who you are.

Scoop of Life, Feb 9

"I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell. I know right now you can't tell."

This is going to be it for now. I feel I should make a general warning. From now on, all of my overflows of thoughts that I can't keep inside anymore will be ending up here where they don't take up anyone's time and people can ignore them. I don't want to be selfish more than I can help, so I've decided to quite dumping on people. I'll let this blog catch the overflow, and any readers out there can just ignore it. So there.

Not on an emotional note: I've been teaching myself Russian the past few days. I realized a little under a week ago that Russia and Russian have always fascinated me, and I never realized it. So now I'm making plans to take Russian at uni and make a stop in the lovely country during my visit to Europe. I'm also writing a paper on Russia. And I feel more alive than I have in some time. Learning languages and forming dreams do that for me. It's just a matter of keeping them from getting crushed. Which is why I try not to talk about them in depth. Particularly to certain people. That way, I can keep right on dreaming.

I've also been spending time looking at European street styles and redesigning my look. I wore a new combination of clothes from my closet to classes on Tuesday and got tons of compliments. I felt fantastic all day. I felt like who I want to be and who I am inside. And I felt classy. It was lovely.

I also went to a Bible meeting thingy at my school Tuesday evening. Apparently students from a nearby church meet there every week to have a little service thing. It was kind of nice. The other girls in particular were friendly, and the atmosphere was comfortable. I'm still wary, though. I've had so many bad experiences with church groups that I've become quite the coward. And I'm really curious about some of their theology and beliefs--things that would determine my willingness to stick with it.

I got a new phone recently. It's an android and it's ever so exciting to have it. I feel cool. And it's really handy to have. Especially since my computer battery is corrupted making it impossible to use unless it's plugged in. The phone works as a decent substitute for most things.

School has been going alright. I don't love any of my classes, but I don't hate any of them either. They're all rather easy and boring. I really wish I was taking a foreign language class this year. It would make things much more interesting. At least my English class is decent, though.

Lately I've been rather odd about music. I've been getting randomly sick of certain songs that I typically love, and then I'll just get sick of all music whatsoever. It's very strange for me. I guess I get bored of it. Which would also probably explain my tendency to go for rap/hip-hop and more hardcore music in those moods. Not styles I like much at other times.

Someday soon I'm going to get started on filming stuff. I have an idea for a music video I want to do, and I'm tossing around a couple ideas for a web series or short film. It could be fun. I just wish I had more people to work with and proper equipment. But you do with what you can. C'est la vie.

And I think that's about all. I really do write the lamest blog posts. Maybe they would be better if I actually kept up with it.

Lack of honesty

Today I had something I really wanted to say, but after having to revise it multiple times, and eventually giving up and not saying it at all, I was reminded that I can't really be honest or open with anyone. All my communications go through a filter. I don't think there's ever been anyone who knew what was really going on inside of me at a particular moment. Even when I want to tell people things, I can't. There are so many reasons why I can't confide in people. For this individual it's such-and-such a reason. For this group, it's because of so-and-so.

I can't confide in anyone but God, and it gets a little hard just whispering my thoughts and feelings to a seemingly empty sky. I mean, I know He's there, but when I don't feel him and I don't get a response, it can be a bit hard. Especially about certain things. Things where I need advice. Where I'm feeling lost without someone to help me work through things. In those cases, I wish I had someone I could talk to.

Even this post is going outside my comfort zone. And I already did that once today with negative results. I just wish sometimes that we never had to change. That we could find our comfort zones and never budge. Sure, it may still be lonely, but at least it's not painful too.

3 am

It’s always three am when it hits her hardest. The depression, the loneliness, the uncertainty. It’s the time when she might once have prayed or cried, but she’s forgotten how to do both. Prayers and tears are reserved for special occasions. They don’t mean an awful lot anymore. Three am is almost a ritual by now. When she’s sleeping it’s not nearly as bad, but she’s hardly ever sleeping by then now.

She thinks while she waits for sleep. Tangled threads of shadowed half-thoughts. Rarely words, just feelings and cold. She knows she’s missing something, but she can’t think of what. She knows something’s wrong, but she can’t find the problem. Perhaps everything is problem, the forest hiding in the trees.

Sometimes she thinks of music, words floating though her head in a mismatched melody. Lyrics that tell a story until her heart threatens to stop and her thoughts run away from a note too close to home. She forgets what the words said. She always forgets.

Sometimes she thinks in words, disjointed phrases that lead her in dizzying circles of rational. Sometimes her words spill out in the dim glow of a monitor or whispered pleas for something, anything to change this. She thinks she prays sometimes, but the words feel all wrong and her thoughts run away from that as well. Praying makes her feel too empty, too alone. She doesn’t like the emptiness. It hurts more than numbness.

Sometimes she thinks about him. Her half-formed wish. Her thoughts turn to dreams and she smiles. But only on the good nights. Other nights she thinks of him and her hollow chest stabs her throat. She knows better than to believe in dreams. She wishes she could make that fluttering in her stomach when she sees him understand.

Once in a while a tear wets her eye lashes. It’s the most she cries at three am. She lets the moisture dry in the air. It makes her feel alive, human. She wishes she could remember how to sob. The cavity in her chest seems filled with oceans. But tears don’t fall for depression, or loneliness, or uncertainty. Tears fall when she thinks of her siblings. Tears fall for her family.

She cried at midnight on her nineteenth birthday. She sobbed for hours, away from home, in another’s room. She sobbed for her sister and her brothers, for her parents, and the home she couldn’t wait to escape. She sobbed for the years slipping away and the years yet remaining. Since then she spends more time at home. Since then she cares more about birthdays.

At three am she lies awake and tries to breathe evenly. She holds still despite the tumult of her mind. She tries not to wake the girl in the next bed. At three am she stares at the cold digits and waits for her mind to slow. For the tangled threads to twist into dreams. At three am she sits in the glow of the monitor and does not cry.

I checked and it's impossible. I can't remember the last time I wanted to cry so much.

I can't wait till Mar gets here in an hour. It'll help. But this next week is still going to be one of the hardest of my life.

And I'm glad no one really reads this blog. I feel so pathetic complaining about things like this. But at least no one will be irritated by it.

This next week is going to be one of the hardest of my life. I'm already on the verge of constant tears. It feels so wrong not to be packing and bustling and trying to get ready. It's almost unbearable to think that I won't get to see everyone, laugh with everyone, write with everyone. My eyes ache to see mountains again. I feel like Bilbo. I long for the adventures I've grown to rely on. Moot has gotten me through two years. Now I'm in the midst of one of the craziest and most difficult in many ways and I'm stuck here without it. What am I supposed to do? I feel so alone and, I hate to admit it, forgotten. I feel as if it was only through Moot that I could really bond with those I love and now, without being there, I know others will become close with each other and I'll be left out of the mix, the jokes, and the stories. I already find it hard enough to talk to people online. Now, missing Moot, it's inevitable that before long I'll lose my place among CPers altogether.

I'm with people all the time now a days. I see people on a regular basis, I go to the mall, I hang out and see films. I have a social life that I never had before. And yet I feel as lonely as I ever did. I miss the relationships I used to have. I miss the way things used to be. And I don't know how to go back to that from a distance. I don't know how to fix things apart from face-to-face.

I needed Moot this year. I was so sure I would be going. I felt in my heart that God would work things out. I thought I felt Him telling me so. But it's not happening. And now I don't know what to do.

I just want to curl up and cry... I feel so pathetic.

I feel so empty right now. So totally depressed... and I think I may know why and it's the stupidest reason. I just... wish I could cry. But I feel trapped in myself. Tears won't come.

How far I've come.

Today I realized how much I've changed. I've been off all day and something happened to make me really upset about a half hour ago. About 20 minutes later after my roommate went out for a walk I picked up a pair of scissors and put them away. This may not seem like a big deal, but up until as recently as a month or two ago I would have at the very least felt an intense urge to cut, but it wasn't until the scissors were already back in the pencil holder that the thought of cutting even crossed my mind and it was in the context of "I didn't want to."

I didn't realize how far I've come until that moment.

I'm tired.

And Sims 3 is a bit addictive.

I missed five days.

I fail.

So much to do today.

I hope stress doesn't kill me. I'm really worried about my Financial Aid stuff... I need it to Transfer for this semester, but apparently it's not that easy... I'm not really sure what I'm going to do. Call the office, I guess.

Only a few more days

...until I can register for summer classes. It's frustrating that I have to wait this long since I have a feeling there won't really be any classes available by the time I get to look. I hope I can at least get what I need. And maybe enough credits to start this fall as a Sophomore?

Last night my family (and roommate) sat outside and roasted hot dogs and marshmallows over a campfire. It was actually a really nice time. We followed it up by watching Hook and, oh my, I love that movie. It had been too long since I'd seen it that I'd forgotten how wonderful it is. But we now own it on DVD, so I can watch it anytime I'd like!

In other news, I really want to work on some sewing stuff. Especially since I have my lovely new machine. It's just a matter of actually doing it. And getting the fabric. But mostly doing it. I am notoriously lazy at times.

That's about all I have to say for now, though. Until my next post, my dear followers.

No galu govad gen.

Mother's Day

So I woke up this morning to a voice mail from three of my "kids" wishing me a happy Mother's Day and sending their love. It made me smile. I love my little family and wish I was still able to see all of them this summer, but I guess it wasn't to be.

Blood of Beasts

Quite possibly one of the most hysterical movies I've seen in quite a while. It's a total B movie in the best possible way. If you ever have the chance to watch it, you should. Keep an eye out for Sven's hair. And Freya's wedding dress. It might make you cry--either from laughter or from agony at the torture the costume designer puts the audience through. It's worth the 86 minutes, though. It was at once one of the worst and one of the funniest movies I've come across.

Trying something new

I've decided that, for at least the time being, I'm going to blog every day. Nothing fancy or special, just little thoughts, quotes, songs, videos, etc. Things that occur to me or stick out to me during the day. We'll see if I can keep this up for at least a month.

I never

post anymore. In case my small array of followers didn't notice. *grin*

Life has been interesting lately. To give a brief overview, I had a friend move in and become my roommate, I got accepted to KSU for the Summer, and I've been busy doing a lot for and in regard to my family.

Currently the Renaissance Faire is coming up and, since I plan to be there opening weekend, I really have a lot to do. As always, the costumes will be half-done at best because I procrastinate too much and can't afford the good supplies I need. *sigh* I had a dream last night that I got a job. It was disappointing to wake up and realize that I don't yet.

Emotionally life has been... complicated. I feel rather like a canoe on the high seas a lot of the time. But I'll survive. God will provide. He's already been looking out for me by giving me, Ama, and Katie a church we can go to.

Really the most stressful aspect of life right now is the fact that I never seem to have enough time. When I'm doing one thing, something else really needs to be done, and there are always people I end up neglecting as a result. I really feel like an awful friend.

Today is going to be harder than usual, though. I can't go to Moot this year. If you've read much else of my blog, you'll know to an extent how important Moot is to me. However, this year it overlaps with the first week of my new college's fall classes. The one week you really can't miss. I'm not sure how the next few days and weeks will go as this realization starts to sink in, but I was already in tears this morning. And tears don't come easily for me. I cry with mild regularity, but rarely with tears.

But, regardless, I thought it was about time that I updated this.

To anyone still reading my posts, much love to you.

Well then.

So life has changed a lot since my last post. Like, a lot a lot. A lot of it for the better.

I'm kind of just blogging because I remembered this blog randomly yesterday. Don't expect it to last. *oops* Most of my journaling has been being done on other sites where I tend to frequent more often.

In a few minutes I have a friend and her sister coming over. I'm taking measurements of my friend, drawing up a pattern for the cosplay I'm making her, and then the three of us are heading out to find a dress for my friend. I think. I'm a little confused on that last bit. We're going somewhere. But while I wait I'm going to at least start this post.

This summer has been pretty much the best of my life. I've met all sorts of amazing people and, for once, a lot of them have actually lived near me. Close enough to get together fairly regularly. It's been one of the least lonely periods of my entire life. I've been so much happier than I can remember being in years. I haven't felt more than a little depressed in months.

It's now many hours later. A quick trip to Ross turned into going over to my friend's house and hanging out all evening. It was fun, but I now have a lot I need to do before I can go to bed. Here's to hoping I can make at least some progress on Ceil's coat.

I'm going to blog a little more before I leave, though. I'm not sure when I'll get back to this anyway.

I've been thinking a lot over the last couple weeks. It's been an interesting past month. Awesome what with Moot, Kaylee's visit, and various opportunities to hang out with local friends, but interesting. The past couple weeks the most so. I found out something recently that really shook me up for a while and that still preoccupies a lot of my thoughts. Getting to go stay with a couple friends for the weekend and attend DragonCon last weekend helped a lot, though. The past few days, though, another thing has been occupying my mind.

I have the possibility to move to London for a while in a year or two. My mom has friends from the London area currently living near us and they offered to let me live with them for as long as I'd like when they go back. Honestly, I'm rather in shock. [space of a couple days where I forgot to continue this] Living in London would be literally a dream come true. For as long as I can remember I've wanted to go to London and that desire has only increased in the past couple years. For a couple months some friends and I have been talking about making a trip over there next year, but this would be something completely different. Rather that a vacation experience, this would be a chance to experience the day-to-day life of London. Of England. It may not sound glamorous... but just the idea of it makes me want to smile and dance.

But it's not as simple as just deciding to take them up on their offer and go. There's a lot to consider. For one thing, it's expensive to fly to London. I don't currently have a job, and even if I did it would take time to save up enough to afford to both get there and to support myself while there. Because that's something else, I wouldn't be able to get a job there--even short term--without a visa. And those things are expensive. I also have to consider schooling. I would LOVE to go to university in London. But it's hard for Americans to get into English schools. And since the schooling style is entirely different, I'd probably have to either start right over from the beginning, or wait until I had a BA and then go for extra schooling. Which would mean waiting about four years. Ugh, not really want I had in mind. Basically, though, it's the visa aspects that make it most complicated. I can't stay more than six months without a visa which means I would have to get one just to attend a year of school. I can't get a job in the U.K. without a visa, so I'd have virtually no income unless I had a job here in the States that allowed me to work long distance. And then there's the fact that while my mom's friend offered to let me stay with them, I wouldn't want to impose for too long. And at the moment I'm thinking about this as kind of a long term thing.

I dunno. I'm kind of babbling, I suppose. To sum it up in case you only skimmed the above paragraph, I have the chance to move to London for a while in a year or two, but I'm not sure if it even has a likelihood of working out because of various factors.

In other news... in the past two days since I started this post I've been doing a LOT of sewing and other preparations for the Anime Convention I'm attending this weekend. I'm really excited about it since this will be my first "real con experience." I just hope I can get everything done in the two days I have left! I also registered for two of my college classes this morning. So yeah, I am officially a college freshman. It's kind of weird to think about. But yet... it makes more sense than being a high school student. I'm so different from the person I was even just when I graduated this past spring that it fits that I'm entering a new phase of life.

Anyway, I lost the thread and purpose of this post somewhere in the past two days, so I'm just going to end it now and get it out regardless.

Thanks to anyone who actually read this. I wish I could promise you another post soon... but it probably won't happen. *oops*

Love you all!

Thinking

I haven't quite put words to all of my thoughts, but I wanted to go ahead and get this started since I won't write anything otherwise. Of course I probably won't anyway.

Technically I'm probably thinking too much. My head is kind of spinning. Especially considering how little sleep I've been getting.

This weekend was good. Really good. God showed me some things I've been really needing to see and broke through some of the lies I've been believing. However, that doesn't mean that all my problems and all my doubts go away. Unfortunately.

Tonight I was reading through a bunch of old writings, particularly poetry, done by me and some old friends. It's gotten me thinking a lot about a lot of things. First of all, I feel regret. Many of the friendships I had when those poems were written have faded away and I find while reading their words that I miss them. It saddens me to know that things can never be the same as they were. But at the same time I'm so glad I never have to return to that place. I look back at times in my life and I can see the broken child I was. The tears I cried and the lies I believed. I walked a dark path in my life and it's a path thats been a struggle to leave. To be honest, I have to admit to the words from Superchick's song Courage:

"I need you to know

I'm not through the night

Some days I'm still fighting

To walk towards the light."

But I have changed. Almost everything has changed since then.

This weekend I found myself in a place I've been struggling to find for a long time and for a few minutes it seemed like everything would be better, but only later that night I found myself once more walking along that dark road and it took far longer to shake off that darkness than it did to lose the glimmer of light. I found the same thing today. Earlier I was laughing and goofing off. I read one of my very first poems to Raen and couldn't stop giggling. However, after reading through all of the other things I did I find that my mood has gone from light and giggly to contemplative. Even melancholy.

There's so much on my mind lately. People have entered my life lately that have changed the way I view things. Events have caused me to rethink things I thought I knew. A future I thought I had planned is now as vague as ever. Even Atlanta Fest this weekend has filled parts of my mind with mixed and confused thoughts.

I feel as if the more I dwell on this the lower my mind sinks into the darker aspects, though, so I'm going to stop this direction for now.

Unfortunately, the only other thing I seem to be able to dwell on at the moment is the fact that Raen leaves tomorrow. I know I got to be around her for nine days, but we were so busy that it feels like far less than that. I feel as if there was so much left undone. I'm going to miss her a lot. She's like the big sister I've always wished I had and it's going to be tough for a while not getting to talk to her or goof off with her every day. I'll be seeing her again in less than two months, though, and that does keep me from being utterly depressed.

I hate goodbyes. Especially when I don't know when the next hello will be or when I'll be able to hug them or talk to them face to face again. Hugs are especially important to me and it's hard to live so far away from so many of the people I care a lot about because I get to hug them so rarely and, for many of them, I don't even know when my next chance will come.

Moot is what I'm holding to now. So many of my dear friends will be there and, if it's anything at all like last year, spending a week with them will be incredible. However, August feels very far away at the moment.

But I think I'm done blogging. No one really cares anyway. God bless everyone who reads this. I love you all.

I just don't understand.

I'm so confused about everything right now. I feel as if my life is crumbling down around me. The past few nights I've pretty much cried myself to sleep. My mind is so mixed up and dizzy and my heart aches all the time. I have so many questions and no answers. I wonder how much longer I can handle this...