What do they want from me? Every thing I do is wrong to them. Another failure. Another mistake. Can I do nothing right? It's not even worth the try. Why bother. Cut me down, make me bleed, kill me slowly from within. It's nothing that hasn't happened before.
I need to get out of here.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d7VvkZY3VVk
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Sisters & Giggles
And again life has taken a turn. This time for the better. I am no longer torn apart. What I was missing has returned and while things are not yet quite the same as before, I have hope that someday they will be. And in twenty days I should now for sure and if my hopes follow through I pray that I will feel truly whole again.
In twenty days I am going to MI to spend a few wodnerulf weeks with a beautiful Angel. It will be so near to perfect. Only two things could make it any better and I think if I got those two I would explode. But still, I wouldn't really mind exploding if it meant I could see Ema, Hannah, and Lisse all together again before I died. :P So maybe we could try it next year. Hehe. That would be splendid fun! But this year will still be beyond perfection! I love Áre so! I can't believe I'll be seeing her again in less than a month! And for so long! It nearly unfathomable! *shivers in delight* What wonders! *closes eye and dreams* To spend every day with her and to not have to leave even when night falls. To not have to leave for over three glorious weeks. Oh... How marvelous it will be! I cannot even begin to describe it! Nay, I cannot even truly imagine it. It cannot be imagined. I will not even try for imagination could never do it justice. No, instead I will dream and wait. It is not too far off. Twenty days is a mere blink compared to May and though there will not be two Angels there, I would wait twice the length of May's wait to spend even a week with my Áre!
I really am exceedingly lucky. I have the most marvelous friends anyone in the world could ask for. And the most beautiful. ((If I hear a word of protest from any of you, pokes will be forthcoming!)) My Sisters are so incredible and I have the best big Sister ((Ema: Big Lisse!)) in the world.
Speaking of Lisse, she truly is splendid. I fell in love with her ((Not that way, Libby!)) the very first time I met her and every time I talk to her, everything new that I learn just makes me love her more. *hugs Lisse tightly* She's truly amazing and despite what might be said, I need her very very very much if even just to make me laugh when I don't want to smile. And she's incredibly good at that, I might add. I might have to hire her as my jester once I become world ruler. :* I admit I'm a bit jealous though. She certainly got the long stick in some aspects of life. After all, not everyone gets the lovely looks, the stunning smile, and the incredible personality. *shakes head with a sad expression* I guess the rest of the world just missed out on the splendid genes all my Sisters got!
*giggles* I have the oddest feeling I'm going to get poked for some of the content of this post. But it's all true! No matter what anyone says! Besides, God agrees with me. Are you going to argue with Him? Hm??? Didn't thank so. *smiles sweetly*
*rolls eyes* I have gotten exceedingly silly the past couple of days! I blame it on Lisse! She made me too happy. <_< Then againg, it's also due to the return of something I was missing very much, so I can't blame it all on Lisse. *sighs* What a shame. She's so easy to blame. ((Kidding. :P))
And now that I have rambled, gushed, and adored I have quite run out of things to say! Dear me! I suppose that means I should end before I make a fool of myself. Well, farewell all my dear and faithful readers. *coughcough* Until my next post! *bows with a flourish*
No galu govad gen!
In twenty days I am going to MI to spend a few wodnerulf weeks with a beautiful Angel. It will be so near to perfect. Only two things could make it any better and I think if I got those two I would explode. But still, I wouldn't really mind exploding if it meant I could see Ema, Hannah, and Lisse all together again before I died. :P So maybe we could try it next year. Hehe. That would be splendid fun! But this year will still be beyond perfection! I love Áre so! I can't believe I'll be seeing her again in less than a month! And for so long! It nearly unfathomable! *shivers in delight* What wonders! *closes eye and dreams* To spend every day with her and to not have to leave even when night falls. To not have to leave for over three glorious weeks. Oh... How marvelous it will be! I cannot even begin to describe it! Nay, I cannot even truly imagine it. It cannot be imagined. I will not even try for imagination could never do it justice. No, instead I will dream and wait. It is not too far off. Twenty days is a mere blink compared to May and though there will not be two Angels there, I would wait twice the length of May's wait to spend even a week with my Áre!
I really am exceedingly lucky. I have the most marvelous friends anyone in the world could ask for. And the most beautiful. ((If I hear a word of protest from any of you, pokes will be forthcoming!)) My Sisters are so incredible and I have the best big Sister ((Ema: Big Lisse!)) in the world.
Speaking of Lisse, she truly is splendid. I fell in love with her ((Not that way, Libby!)) the very first time I met her and every time I talk to her, everything new that I learn just makes me love her more. *hugs Lisse tightly* She's truly amazing and despite what might be said, I need her very very very much if even just to make me laugh when I don't want to smile. And she's incredibly good at that, I might add. I might have to hire her as my jester once I become world ruler. :* I admit I'm a bit jealous though. She certainly got the long stick in some aspects of life. After all, not everyone gets the lovely looks, the stunning smile, and the incredible personality. *shakes head with a sad expression* I guess the rest of the world just missed out on the splendid genes all my Sisters got!
*giggles* I have the oddest feeling I'm going to get poked for some of the content of this post. But it's all true! No matter what anyone says! Besides, God agrees with me. Are you going to argue with Him? Hm??? Didn't thank so. *smiles sweetly*
*rolls eyes* I have gotten exceedingly silly the past couple of days! I blame it on Lisse! She made me too happy. <_< Then againg, it's also due to the return of something I was missing very much, so I can't blame it all on Lisse. *sighs* What a shame. She's so easy to blame. ((Kidding. :P))
And now that I have rambled, gushed, and adored I have quite run out of things to say! Dear me! I suppose that means I should end before I make a fool of myself. Well, farewell all my dear and faithful readers. *coughcough* Until my next post! *bows with a flourish*
No galu govad gen!
Friday, July 11, 2008
Breathing.
And the world yet spins. My life has been so crazy this past month that it's almost a miracle. But the world does not seem to care if my life has turned upside down. But perhaps that's a good thing. While things have not yet changed, I'm learning to cope. I'm living my life, I'm laughing, I'm singing, I'm even happy a good part of the time. But still I can always feel what's missing. The hallow ache in my chest when I see a picture, see a name, a phrase I wish to share, but can't. This happened to me before. Years ago. But this time it's harder. This time the ache feels somehow larger, even though this time I have else to help heal the emptiness. But it isn't the same.
I'm here, alive, happy. And yet, I'm not. A portion of me has been torn away and I still await its return. Will it ever come? And if it does indeed return, can things ever go back to the way they were? The hallow inside has widened, the absence on my Heart causing damage, tearing apart what held it in. And now, if it returns how will it fit now that the hole is so much larger than before? And with each memory, each joke, each reminder the hole widens and I fear that soon it might never be able to be repaired and that even if it was to return, nothing could make it fit like before and that slowly, but surely it would slip away with nothing to keep it where it belongs. But would that be better? With the fragility of my nature would it be better to let go and let it be held by others? But how could I? How could I continue knowing that it was lost to me forever? Even with my other half still remaining I do not think I could ever be whole again and the hole inside would only widen until it consumed me and I lost myself entirely. No, I cannot let go. But still I fear. What if I have lost it already? So far away. So long gone. What if it does not wish to return? Or what if it cannot? I could not force it back. And perhaps that means that I must indeed let it go. From what I have seen it does not seem to suffer away, so perhaps that is what is best. To let go. But for now I cannot think of that. Unless I am told to let go, I will not. But still I bleed and that I cannot stop. Even when I laugh in real happiness a part of me still cries. I am not whole. I pray I might be one day, but I do not know. For not I just breathe. I breathe and try to act as if nothing is missing. I smile, I laugh, and I pray for its return. But all I can do is wait.
I'm here, alive, happy. And yet, I'm not. A portion of me has been torn away and I still await its return. Will it ever come? And if it does indeed return, can things ever go back to the way they were? The hallow inside has widened, the absence on my Heart causing damage, tearing apart what held it in. And now, if it returns how will it fit now that the hole is so much larger than before? And with each memory, each joke, each reminder the hole widens and I fear that soon it might never be able to be repaired and that even if it was to return, nothing could make it fit like before and that slowly, but surely it would slip away with nothing to keep it where it belongs. But would that be better? With the fragility of my nature would it be better to let go and let it be held by others? But how could I? How could I continue knowing that it was lost to me forever? Even with my other half still remaining I do not think I could ever be whole again and the hole inside would only widen until it consumed me and I lost myself entirely. No, I cannot let go. But still I fear. What if I have lost it already? So far away. So long gone. What if it does not wish to return? Or what if it cannot? I could not force it back. And perhaps that means that I must indeed let it go. From what I have seen it does not seem to suffer away, so perhaps that is what is best. To let go. But for now I cannot think of that. Unless I am told to let go, I will not. But still I bleed and that I cannot stop. Even when I laugh in real happiness a part of me still cries. I am not whole. I pray I might be one day, but I do not know. For not I just breathe. I breathe and try to act as if nothing is missing. I smile, I laugh, and I pray for its return. But all I can do is wait.
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