So... I'm really bad about making posts I said I'd make. But oh well.
I'm listening to Flyleaf's newest CD online for the first time. I've usually avoided Flyleaf because it often has a bad effect on me, but I'd heard so much good about this album that after talking to Linny today, I decided to try it. I love it. There was maybe one song that effected me a bit, but I was vacuuming at the time and stressed with my mom, so it might have been the result of anything, really. Anyway, the CD is so going on my Christmas list. We'll see if I get it. My mom still doesn't fully appreciate Flyleaf. I can't understand why. I mean, it's not like my sister and I introduced her to them with a clip of I'm So Sick. *oops*
My sister is reading over my shoulder. I'm teasing her, telling her she's not allowed to read this. Well, technically, it ISN'T for her to read, but I don't really mind her "eavesdropping"at the moment. But she just walked away anyway.
I really should go and move furniture... We're getting a new entertainment center today and I need to make room. But this chair is comfortable, the music is immersing, and the net addictive.
Anyway, I guess I'll get to the point of this post since I don't have time to really ramble.
The past... oh, week, I guess, has been a struggle for me. I haven't been dancing as much as I usually do, and on top of that, I finally have an appetite of sorts again. As a result, I've gained a bit of weight. Not a lot, I suppose (I still fit into my size three jeans), but enough that I feel disgustingly fat. Ever since my nearly a year-long struggle with borderline anorexia summer of '07-'08, my weight and figure have been something I constantly find myself dwelling on. This past week has been a battle to not do something drastic. There have been a few times where I've considered just locking myself up in my room again like I used to and skipping food entirely. However, my development of hypoglycemia makes that an unwise and potentially dangerous move. Therefore, I've been pushing myself to eat, and end up eating more than I normally would. This makes me hate myself even more and it becomes just an endless cycle...
I'm just so tired of letting the appearance of my body determine so much about the way I live... but it's not as easy a thing to change as it should be. I've been stuck in this mindset for so many years. And with my mom always getting on my back about needing to exercise more and eat more healthily, the pressure I put on myself is only multiplied... Last summer I got so many comments about how thin I looked. This school year I start back and one of the first things my teacher says to me is that she's glad I've filled out some. *sighs* It's hard. I feel ugly in so many other ways--my skin is less than smooth, my hair isn't as full or as smooth or as lovely colored as the next girl, I wear glasses, my teeth aren't perfectly white... Being "thin," flexible, having a dancer's body of sorts was the one thing about my looks that I could actually control. And now I feel like it's all crumbling down. I'm feeling just as ugly and worthless as I did for so long in '07 and '08.
I keep thinking of Barlow Girl's song Mirror. "Mirror ... Who are you to tell me that I'm less than what I should be? Who are you? Who are you? I don't need to listen to the list of things I should be, I won't try. I won't try." I've known the song for years and like it a lot... but even in the best of times I've never been able to sing it as if I fully mean it. I do let the mirror tell me whether I'm good enough or not. I've heard all of the messages about God making us how we are and about us all being beautiful in His sight, but I find myself always struggling to believe that it can be true. And even when I can convince myself of that, I find it hard--if not impossible--to value his opinion more than others. I have such a want and desire for acceptance by others. Their opinions matter so much to me at times. I want their good opinion. I want to be beautiful in THEIR sight. And so rarely do I feel so...
It's funny. I can look at a girl, any girl really, that our culture would deem plain or ugly... and I can always find at least two or three things about her that makes her better than me. And when I look in the mirror, all I can see is how much I'm not like her. I see beauty in others so easily, but my mirror is my harshest judge and I can see little of worth in it's reflection...
I guess if anyone sees this and doesn't come out of it thinking "That vain, annoying brat," I'd appreciate any prayer they're willing to offer. Prayer that I can get past this hate-filled outlook on myself. And that my focus can turn to getting my body healthy rather than just thin...
I don't really know if all of this is making sense. I'm just feeling overwhelmed and lost and wanted to get this out somewhere...
Sorry for the drearier turn of this post. I hope I haven't turned any of my (few) readers off of my blog completely.
God bless all of you. Thanks for taking the time to read this.
Namarië.
