I don't even know...

I'm so confused... I can't remember the last time I was this confused...

I got an apology message from an old friend today... I... *rubs head* I don't know what to do. I forgive her. I've forgiven her long ago... but... *curls up and rests chin on knees* She hurt me... badly. I still haven't been able to heal... I miss her. I don't deny it. I miss her like crazy... but I'm not... *bites lip hard* She shattered my trust in her... and so many others... I'm not sure... I'm not sure it'd be good for me to... Oh, I don't know!

I miss her. It hurts. A little piece of me still bleeds when I see her picture or remember the sound of her laugh in my mind. I still love her. So much. But I don't know what to do. As much as I love her, as much as I miss her... we've both changed... She destroyed my faith in human kind like so many before her have done... and it was restored by Liss and others. The place in my heart that was her's still aches, but it's smaller now. It will never be gone... but I'm not sure what will happen if I get in contact with her again... will it just be a repeat of what went before? She swore I could trust her and she betrayed me... if it happens again, will my heart be able to take it? Already it's so fragile. Friendships are harder for me. Trusting is sometimes close to impossible... The only person I can look to without fear is Liss... and even so, I keep messing things up with her... I keep failing her. Even today.

I almost made a huge mistake. It hurt her. She berated me about it and she was right... but now she feels guilty. So I made things doubly worse. I really screw up everything.

It's no wonder so many people get tired of me and leave... I wonder if the friends I have now will leave me too... I hope not... I love them. So very much. I can't lose them too...

God... I'm so confused...