Initial Thoughts of a New Age

It's late and I'm tired, but I wanted to just dive briefly into my initial thought on being 18. I excuse any lack of clarity on the hour, which just struck two.

Officially I'm not 18 four another four hours, but on principle, it's my birthday, so I'm eighteen. It's a weird thought. Legally I'm an adult, but I feel no different than I did three hours ago. However, I feel far different than I did at this point last year.

I've changed so mauch in the past 365 days. I'd like to think that I've grown. I believe I'm grown as a person, as a friend, as a daughter, as a sister, and as a Christian. The last most of all. I've certainly matured in the last year. I don't even like to think on how much of a selfish, grasping child I was only a year ago. In fact, a year ago is probably the time in my life that I hate myself the most for.

But the thing that surprises me is that I've changed. I've changed a lot. I've grown past that and I've grown up. Perhaps it seems absurd to be an adult, but being a year older feels absurd only because I feel as if I have aged much more than that. Oh yes, I still have a long way to go, but the work God has done in my life this last year, and really only since this summer, far surpasses anything He's done before.

A few days ago I was dwelling on my approaching birthday and my mind started to drift over all the things that I've lost over the past year and all the things that have changed for the worst. I have a habit of dreading birthdays. They've always seemed a time for nothing more than reflecting upon a broken past. However, a dear friend shared with me something she had written upon her own 18th birthday, that made me stop and think. I'm going to share a small portion of it here, because they're worthy to be said again.

---

One of my heroes and role models, Jamie Tworkowski, said the following about birthdays on the TWLOHA blog:

“At the heart of it is the opportunity to tell someone "I'm glad that you were born", which is also to say "I'm glad that you're alive." Those are powerful statements. The world would be a different better place if we lived that way, if we said and showed those things, more than once a year.”

Those words are what made me look at my birthday this year in a different light. Not as a day to mark everything I've lost in the last year, as it had been before, but a way of allowing myself to be reminded that just the fact that I'm alive has meaning.

---

The fact that I'm alive. Not that long ago, that wouldn't have been something I would revel in. Life was something I didn't want to face. However, the other week I paused in the middle of doing something and realized that I was happy. Genuinely happy for no reason other than the fact that I was alive and blessed. I had a God who loved me and took care of me, and I had wonderful, amazing friends. I was glad to be alive.

As I'm sitting here, I have so many things I want to say. In fact, cut out a large chunk of text to save for another day because it was going so far off topic and my poor, tired mind couldn't follow it. I think the reason I don't blog that often is because it's so overwhelming. There's always so much I want to mention, and I can only focus and type for so long.

Eighteen. My mind still can't wrap around it. Even though I know I've grown so much over the last year, I still feel so young. I wonder if everyone feels this way on entering adulthood.

In someways I'm sad to leave this year behind. As a seventeen-year-old, I had some of the best experiences of my life. I made friends that I will treasure forever, I learned lessons that I needed to learn, I got to go to Moot and visit with friends and travel the country. It was my last year of childhood, and I wish more of them could have gone as well as it did. True, I have no desire to relive the beginning, but the second half more than made up for it, and I can see now how God used it, even if I wish He could have chosen an easier path. Still, I wonder if this new year--a new age with a new path of adventures--will measure up.

This fall I will begin college. I'll be getting my license soon. I'll be needing to get my first job. The idea of entering the world of adults frightens me a bit. I look forward to growing up and discovering what God has in store for me, but a part of me still longs to remain where I am--safe, sheltered, and provided for.

But there are other things to look forward to and hope for in the coming year. In June a dear friend will be coming to visit. Over the summer I may get to see Lu and San again. And in August there's Moot. Though the last still requires much prayer and effort on my part.

In the end, this post rather fell apart from what I had intended it to be, but nonetheless, it's a glimpse into my musings in the first few hours of adulthood.

Despite my fears and concerns for the coming year and my regrets for this year past, I have learned one thing clearly in the last few months of my childhood.

No matter how dark things may seem, the stars are always there. God has blessed me greatly and He loves me no matter what. He will provide. All I need to do is trust.

And now I enter a new age, a new year, a new stage of life and I take a step of faith in posting this--faith that somehow God will make my meaning clear. To me as well.

Now off to bed I go. Perhaps in the morning the idea of being an adult will have sunk in some. Or perhaps not.

At least, no matter what the future may hold, I can look back on this past year, smile, and say, "Yes, seventeen was a good age to be." But now, future, here I come. Just as soon as I wake up...

Brief update...

So, I decided to attempt Project 365. If anyone who reads this is interested in seeing some of my pictures, you can see the blog here.

Other than that, my biggest news is that I think I finally have an idea of what I want to go to school for and what college I want to try to attend. Both aspects will require a lot of work, but... I think maybe I'm finally ready.

Things have been changing for me--in my head and the way I work--in the past couple months. I'm not yet sure what these changes mean or what to expect as time progresses, but for now, I finally feel somewhat prepared to deal with the future and life in general. I guess that's probably a good thing.

Anyway, there's still a lot to work through in my head, so I refuse to ramble at the moment (especially since it's almost 1:30 am), but at some point maybe I'll make an actual post about everything.

Until then--or at least next time--may God bless you.
Take care, my friends!
Blire Daeriel

Farewell ' 09

Inspired by Raen and a few others, I've decided to make a list of a few of my top nine of '09.

The 9 Best [Or Most Memorable] Events of 2009:

1. CleanPlace Moot and after-moot mini-moot in August.

2. Skillet concert in September (Particularly getting noticed by John during "It's Not Me, It's You." That memory never fails to brighten my mood) and the fun afterward.

3. Staying with Lu in WA in July

4. Singing with Raen and Younger Fern at Moot. (I know that could fit under "Moot," but it's more special than just that.)

5. Phone calls with Linny. I know it's not any one event, but it counts for me.

6. Getting my puppy, Lucy, in November.

7. CP Mini-Moot Christmas Party

8. Joining CleanPlace in March

9. Skit practice at the Moot Lock-In.

9 Favorite Movies I saw in 2009:

1. Born of Hope

2. The Illusionist

3. The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

4. Serenity

5. Up

6. Merlin's Apprentice

7. Return of the King

8. 10 Things I Hate About You

9. The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe

The 9 Best Places I Visited in 2009:

1. Bear Trap Ranch, CO

2. WA and the Pacific Coast

3. Renaissance Festival

4. The top of the cliff behind the lodge at BTR.

5. Chipotle in CO.

6. Lu's house and her yard swing.

7. CleanPlace (It's a place, look at the name.)

8. Kate's house

9. Stone Mountain concert field

9 Awesome People I Met for the First Time in 2009: (In order of meeting them as far as I recall)

1. Kate

2. Lu

3. San

4. Linny

5. Raen

6. Flynn

7. Celeris

8. Lady Fern (Both parts of "her." It's not cheating. :6:)

9. Legolas

9 Favorite Songs in 2009:

1. Lion by Rebecca St. James

2. The Last Night by Skillet

3. Forgiven by Skillet

4. Whispers in the Dark by Skillet

5. Imperfections by Skillet

6. Antidote by B. Reith

7. Sorrow by Flyleaf

8. White Horse by Taylor Swift

9. Fully Alive by Raen and me

9 Good Books I Read in 2009:

1. The Truth About Forever--Sarah Dessen

2. Along for the Ride--Sarah Dessen

3.City of Bones--Cassandra Clare

4.Yours to Command--Fan-fiction author

5. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban--J. K. Rowling

6. Montmorency--Eleanor Updale

7. Snow Queen--Mercedes Lackey

8. Sandry's Book--Tamora Peirce

9.Song of Erin--B. J. Hoff

9 Miscellaneous Things I Learned in 2009:

1. Asking for prayer doesn't make you weak.

2. Guys are honestly not worth the stress when you're still too young to marry.

3. Sometimes a brief message from a busy friend saying that they love you can make all the difference.

4. Sometimes it's better to just shut up and listen and keep your advice to yourself.

5. However, if you have something that you feel needs to be said, waiting for a "good moment" only makes things worse.

6. Things get handled a lot better if you don't loose your temper.

7. Even when things seem the darkest, the stars are always there.

8. Allowing yourself to be yourself is okay. So is enjoying doing so.

9. I am loved by God and by friends.

10 Things To Do in 2010:

1. Go to Moot 2010

2. Go to MoMoCon

3. Go to AtlantaFest

4. Learn some ballet

5. Take vocal lessons

6. Learn to play guitar better

7. Learn to play guitar better

8. Finish a story/novel/series

9. Learn to communicate better with others

10. Get ready for college

Flyleaf and a Mirror

So... I'm really bad about making posts I said I'd make. But oh well.

I'm listening to Flyleaf's newest CD online for the first time. I've usually avoided Flyleaf because it often has a bad effect on me, but I'd heard so much good about this album that after talking to Linny today, I decided to try it. I love it. There was maybe one song that effected me a bit, but I was vacuuming at the time and stressed with my mom, so it might have been the result of anything, really. Anyway, the CD is so going on my Christmas list. We'll see if I get it. My mom still doesn't fully appreciate Flyleaf. I can't understand why. I mean, it's not like my sister and I introduced her to them with a clip of I'm So Sick. *oops*

My sister is reading over my shoulder. I'm teasing her, telling her she's not allowed to read this. Well, technically, it ISN'T for her to read, but I don't really mind her "eavesdropping"at the moment. But she just walked away anyway.

I really should go and move furniture... We're getting a new entertainment center today and I need to make room. But this chair is comfortable, the music is immersing, and the net addictive.

Anyway, I guess I'll get to the point of this post since I don't have time to really ramble.

The past... oh, week, I guess, has been a struggle for me. I haven't been dancing as much as I usually do, and on top of that, I finally have an appetite of sorts again. As a result, I've gained a bit of weight. Not a lot, I suppose (I still fit into my size three jeans), but enough that I feel disgustingly fat. Ever since my nearly a year-long struggle with borderline anorexia summer of '07-'08, my weight and figure have been something I constantly find myself dwelling on. This past week has been a battle to not do something drastic. There have been a few times where I've considered just locking myself up in my room again like I used to and skipping food entirely. However, my development of hypoglycemia makes that an unwise and potentially dangerous move. Therefore, I've been pushing myself to eat, and end up eating more than I normally would. This makes me hate myself even more and it becomes just an endless cycle...

I'm just so tired of letting the appearance of my body determine so much about the way I live... but it's not as easy a thing to change as it should be. I've been stuck in this mindset for so many years. And with my mom always getting on my back about needing to exercise more and eat more healthily, the pressure I put on myself is only multiplied... Last summer I got so many comments about how thin I looked. This school year I start back and one of the first things my teacher says to me is that she's glad I've filled out some. *sighs* It's hard. I feel ugly in so many other ways--my skin is less than smooth, my hair isn't as full or as smooth or as lovely colored as the next girl, I wear glasses, my teeth aren't perfectly white... Being "thin," flexible, having a dancer's body of sorts was the one thing about my looks that I could actually control. And now I feel like it's all crumbling down. I'm feeling just as ugly and worthless as I did for so long in '07 and '08.

I keep thinking of Barlow Girl's song Mirror. "Mirror ... Who are you to tell me that I'm less than what I should be? Who are you? Who are you? I don't need to listen to the list of things I should be, I won't try. I won't try." I've known the song for years and like it a lot... but even in the best of times I've never been able to sing it as if I fully mean it. I do let the mirror tell me whether I'm good enough or not. I've heard all of the messages about God making us how we are and about us all being beautiful in His sight, but I find myself always struggling to believe that it can be true. And even when I can convince myself of that, I find it hard--if not impossible--to value his opinion more than others. I have such a want and desire for acceptance by others. Their opinions matter so much to me at times. I want their good opinion. I want to be beautiful in THEIR sight. And so rarely do I feel so...

It's funny. I can look at a girl, any girl really, that our culture would deem plain or ugly... and I can always find at least two or three things about her that makes her better than me. And when I look in the mirror, all I can see is how much I'm not like her. I see beauty in others so easily, but my mirror is my harshest judge and I can see little of worth in it's reflection...

I guess if anyone sees this and doesn't come out of it thinking "That vain, annoying brat," I'd appreciate any prayer they're willing to offer. Prayer that I can get past this hate-filled outlook on myself. And that my focus can turn to getting my body healthy rather than just thin...

I don't really know if all of this is making sense. I'm just feeling overwhelmed and lost and wanted to get this out somewhere...

Sorry for the drearier turn of this post. I hope I haven't turned any of my (few) readers off of my blog completely.

God bless all of you. Thanks for taking the time to read this.
Namarië.

Well...

12:50 PM.

It's been a long time since I've updated this and I have a lot to say that I know I won't get to right now, but I'll try to say at least a little of it. The house is quiet, Skillet is playing, and I have words that should be said.

This summer has been... something unlike any other. It's had highs I couldn't imagine, and even though there have been drastic lows, I don't think there's been anything to equal the worst. I guess maybe this summer has been the best I can remember. Certain parts have been, for sure.

The early part was hard. My best friend went to live in CO as a live in helper for a friend up there and I hardly got any chance to speak with her. I still haven't really. However, this situation did give me the chance to get to know another dear friend much better and I also found myself beginning to come out of my shell a little and talking with some people that I otherwise might not have.

Then in July I was given the opportunity to go up to WA for a week to stay with a DioM friend. I took the chance for a few reasons: I got to spend time with a good friend and meet a few others I might never have otherwise, I got to experience visiting the other side of the country, and I got away from home for a while. I have to admit that things were so stressful at the time the chance came up that the last might have been my biggest reason initially, but it turned out to be a wonderful thing. I got to really bond with my friend and she's now like a little sister to me. In addition, that was the first trip that I managed to really retain my friendship with the person through, and it was a blessing. Even if some things went badly, I'm glad I went.

6:24 PM.

It's many hours later as I got interrupted, but I'm really wanting to blog right now. I have other things I should be doing, but I need to get some thoughts out.

Anyway. The trip to WA was a good set up for a trip I went on only a couple weeks later--CleanPlace Moot 2009.

For a while I was worried that I wouldn't be able to make Moot. Finances were tight with my family, I couldn't find a job, and other similar things. When I found out that the last person I would really have considered a close friend had the time was being forced to give up on making to the conference, I pretty much decided to give up. It was a really hard decision. In the beginning I had only wanted to go in order to see Liss and then Linny when she decided to try to go, but somewhere along the way I found myself really wanting to go just for the sake of going, not just because of who was going. Having to give up on that hope then was really hard. I was really devastated and ended up crying in front of my parents when it was mentioned for only the second time in years. A couple days later my dad told me that he had gotten an outside job that would be paying well and that he would help me with the money towards Moot.

However, I am being called away once again and I believe I shall make a separate post later about Moot. I want very much to.

But for now, farewell. I must go work on my room so that an in-depth make over of my room can be begun. So off I go into the world of cleaning. I wonder what books on tape I have on hand...

No galu govad gen, mellyn nin.

Quick post...

I have to run out to church in a minute, but Matt and I have challenged ourselves to get to the point when we can do (me) 200 and (him) 400 sit-ups a night by next Ren Faire... so we'rte going to keep our "daily" track record here. So.

Day One: 20

I know, lame, but they really are hard to do properly and all at once!

I'll post more about the Ren Faire later... but for now I'll leave y'all with:

I GOT A DAGGER!!!!!!

New Book by Bryan Davis!

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