Mother's Day

So I woke up this morning to a voice mail from three of my "kids" wishing me a happy Mother's Day and sending their love. It made me smile. I love my little family and wish I was still able to see all of them this summer, but I guess it wasn't to be.

Blood of Beasts

Quite possibly one of the most hysterical movies I've seen in quite a while. It's a total B movie in the best possible way. If you ever have the chance to watch it, you should. Keep an eye out for Sven's hair. And Freya's wedding dress. It might make you cry--either from laughter or from agony at the torture the costume designer puts the audience through. It's worth the 86 minutes, though. It was at once one of the worst and one of the funniest movies I've come across.

Trying something new

I've decided that, for at least the time being, I'm going to blog every day. Nothing fancy or special, just little thoughts, quotes, songs, videos, etc. Things that occur to me or stick out to me during the day. We'll see if I can keep this up for at least a month.

I never

post anymore. In case my small array of followers didn't notice. *grin*

Life has been interesting lately. To give a brief overview, I had a friend move in and become my roommate, I got accepted to KSU for the Summer, and I've been busy doing a lot for and in regard to my family.

Currently the Renaissance Faire is coming up and, since I plan to be there opening weekend, I really have a lot to do. As always, the costumes will be half-done at best because I procrastinate too much and can't afford the good supplies I need. *sigh* I had a dream last night that I got a job. It was disappointing to wake up and realize that I don't yet.

Emotionally life has been... complicated. I feel rather like a canoe on the high seas a lot of the time. But I'll survive. God will provide. He's already been looking out for me by giving me, Ama, and Katie a church we can go to.

Really the most stressful aspect of life right now is the fact that I never seem to have enough time. When I'm doing one thing, something else really needs to be done, and there are always people I end up neglecting as a result. I really feel like an awful friend.

Today is going to be harder than usual, though. I can't go to Moot this year. If you've read much else of my blog, you'll know to an extent how important Moot is to me. However, this year it overlaps with the first week of my new college's fall classes. The one week you really can't miss. I'm not sure how the next few days and weeks will go as this realization starts to sink in, but I was already in tears this morning. And tears don't come easily for me. I cry with mild regularity, but rarely with tears.

But, regardless, I thought it was about time that I updated this.

To anyone still reading my posts, much love to you.

Well then.

So life has changed a lot since my last post. Like, a lot a lot. A lot of it for the better.

I'm kind of just blogging because I remembered this blog randomly yesterday. Don't expect it to last. *oops* Most of my journaling has been being done on other sites where I tend to frequent more often.

In a few minutes I have a friend and her sister coming over. I'm taking measurements of my friend, drawing up a pattern for the cosplay I'm making her, and then the three of us are heading out to find a dress for my friend. I think. I'm a little confused on that last bit. We're going somewhere. But while I wait I'm going to at least start this post.

This summer has been pretty much the best of my life. I've met all sorts of amazing people and, for once, a lot of them have actually lived near me. Close enough to get together fairly regularly. It's been one of the least lonely periods of my entire life. I've been so much happier than I can remember being in years. I haven't felt more than a little depressed in months.

It's now many hours later. A quick trip to Ross turned into going over to my friend's house and hanging out all evening. It was fun, but I now have a lot I need to do before I can go to bed. Here's to hoping I can make at least some progress on Ceil's coat.

I'm going to blog a little more before I leave, though. I'm not sure when I'll get back to this anyway.

I've been thinking a lot over the last couple weeks. It's been an interesting past month. Awesome what with Moot, Kaylee's visit, and various opportunities to hang out with local friends, but interesting. The past couple weeks the most so. I found out something recently that really shook me up for a while and that still preoccupies a lot of my thoughts. Getting to go stay with a couple friends for the weekend and attend DragonCon last weekend helped a lot, though. The past few days, though, another thing has been occupying my mind.

I have the possibility to move to London for a while in a year or two. My mom has friends from the London area currently living near us and they offered to let me live with them for as long as I'd like when they go back. Honestly, I'm rather in shock. [space of a couple days where I forgot to continue this] Living in London would be literally a dream come true. For as long as I can remember I've wanted to go to London and that desire has only increased in the past couple years. For a couple months some friends and I have been talking about making a trip over there next year, but this would be something completely different. Rather that a vacation experience, this would be a chance to experience the day-to-day life of London. Of England. It may not sound glamorous... but just the idea of it makes me want to smile and dance.

But it's not as simple as just deciding to take them up on their offer and go. There's a lot to consider. For one thing, it's expensive to fly to London. I don't currently have a job, and even if I did it would take time to save up enough to afford to both get there and to support myself while there. Because that's something else, I wouldn't be able to get a job there--even short term--without a visa. And those things are expensive. I also have to consider schooling. I would LOVE to go to university in London. But it's hard for Americans to get into English schools. And since the schooling style is entirely different, I'd probably have to either start right over from the beginning, or wait until I had a BA and then go for extra schooling. Which would mean waiting about four years. Ugh, not really want I had in mind. Basically, though, it's the visa aspects that make it most complicated. I can't stay more than six months without a visa which means I would have to get one just to attend a year of school. I can't get a job in the U.K. without a visa, so I'd have virtually no income unless I had a job here in the States that allowed me to work long distance. And then there's the fact that while my mom's friend offered to let me stay with them, I wouldn't want to impose for too long. And at the moment I'm thinking about this as kind of a long term thing.

I dunno. I'm kind of babbling, I suppose. To sum it up in case you only skimmed the above paragraph, I have the chance to move to London for a while in a year or two, but I'm not sure if it even has a likelihood of working out because of various factors.

In other news... in the past two days since I started this post I've been doing a LOT of sewing and other preparations for the Anime Convention I'm attending this weekend. I'm really excited about it since this will be my first "real con experience." I just hope I can get everything done in the two days I have left! I also registered for two of my college classes this morning. So yeah, I am officially a college freshman. It's kind of weird to think about. But yet... it makes more sense than being a high school student. I'm so different from the person I was even just when I graduated this past spring that it fits that I'm entering a new phase of life.

Anyway, I lost the thread and purpose of this post somewhere in the past two days, so I'm just going to end it now and get it out regardless.

Thanks to anyone who actually read this. I wish I could promise you another post soon... but it probably won't happen. *oops*

Love you all!

Thinking

I haven't quite put words to all of my thoughts, but I wanted to go ahead and get this started since I won't write anything otherwise. Of course I probably won't anyway.

Technically I'm probably thinking too much. My head is kind of spinning. Especially considering how little sleep I've been getting.

This weekend was good. Really good. God showed me some things I've been really needing to see and broke through some of the lies I've been believing. However, that doesn't mean that all my problems and all my doubts go away. Unfortunately.

Tonight I was reading through a bunch of old writings, particularly poetry, done by me and some old friends. It's gotten me thinking a lot about a lot of things. First of all, I feel regret. Many of the friendships I had when those poems were written have faded away and I find while reading their words that I miss them. It saddens me to know that things can never be the same as they were. But at the same time I'm so glad I never have to return to that place. I look back at times in my life and I can see the broken child I was. The tears I cried and the lies I believed. I walked a dark path in my life and it's a path thats been a struggle to leave. To be honest, I have to admit to the words from Superchick's song Courage:

"I need you to know

I'm not through the night

Some days I'm still fighting

To walk towards the light."

But I have changed. Almost everything has changed since then.

This weekend I found myself in a place I've been struggling to find for a long time and for a few minutes it seemed like everything would be better, but only later that night I found myself once more walking along that dark road and it took far longer to shake off that darkness than it did to lose the glimmer of light. I found the same thing today. Earlier I was laughing and goofing off. I read one of my very first poems to Raen and couldn't stop giggling. However, after reading through all of the other things I did I find that my mood has gone from light and giggly to contemplative. Even melancholy.

There's so much on my mind lately. People have entered my life lately that have changed the way I view things. Events have caused me to rethink things I thought I knew. A future I thought I had planned is now as vague as ever. Even Atlanta Fest this weekend has filled parts of my mind with mixed and confused thoughts.

I feel as if the more I dwell on this the lower my mind sinks into the darker aspects, though, so I'm going to stop this direction for now.

Unfortunately, the only other thing I seem to be able to dwell on at the moment is the fact that Raen leaves tomorrow. I know I got to be around her for nine days, but we were so busy that it feels like far less than that. I feel as if there was so much left undone. I'm going to miss her a lot. She's like the big sister I've always wished I had and it's going to be tough for a while not getting to talk to her or goof off with her every day. I'll be seeing her again in less than two months, though, and that does keep me from being utterly depressed.

I hate goodbyes. Especially when I don't know when the next hello will be or when I'll be able to hug them or talk to them face to face again. Hugs are especially important to me and it's hard to live so far away from so many of the people I care a lot about because I get to hug them so rarely and, for many of them, I don't even know when my next chance will come.

Moot is what I'm holding to now. So many of my dear friends will be there and, if it's anything at all like last year, spending a week with them will be incredible. However, August feels very far away at the moment.

But I think I'm done blogging. No one really cares anyway. God bless everyone who reads this. I love you all.

I just don't understand.

I'm so confused about everything right now. I feel as if my life is crumbling down around me. The past few nights I've pretty much cried myself to sleep. My mind is so mixed up and dizzy and my heart aches all the time. I have so many questions and no answers. I wonder how much longer I can handle this...