Another post just for the sake of it.

Yeah... I don't know. I just feel like posting. Today's been pretty stressful. Drama was long and exhausting on top of a really late night and I couldn't seem to stop fighting with my mom... We don't get along on the best of days, but today was particularly bad. I'm not proud of my behavior... I did manage to get to the library for the first time in a while. I got:

The Turn of the Screw by Henry James (I'm doing a report for Lit on it.)
A Portrait of A Lady by Henry James (It looked interesting.)
City of Bones (I wanted to. :P)

So I should have fun with that. I'm already partly into The Turn of the Screw and it's pretty good. A little hard for my tired mind to follow, but I'm liking it. It's a ghost story. :D

Other than that... I dunno. I got to wear a new shirt I just got for the first time today and I love it. It makes me feel "cool." (aka: My version of cool which varies from a lot of others. :P) I actually liked my outfit a lot today. I think it was a pretty "me" outfit. So I felt a little less awkward than usual. I did feel pretty lonely all day, but that's because I don't really have a friends at school. I talk to most people in drama occasionally, but... I'm not part of the "in crowd." Highschool at my co-op is divided into two groups. The "in crowd" and my group, the "outcasts." There's about... Six of us? Myself, Koby, Bitty, Ryn, Katie #1, my sister, Sarah, and sometimes Naomi. Okay. Eight. Typically I don't mind... but sometimes it gets to me. Especially now that I'm not fitting in well with my crowd anymore. *laughs a little* That's kind of weird actually, because it really is my crowd. I hold it together, I brought its beginning. People have come and gone, but myself (and Koby) have always been there. Koby may be on his way out though due to a bunch of fights between him and many of the others. I'm about the only one that still talks to him. I'm really the only one holding the group together. But I'm fading out. Like I fade out of everything. I just don't fit in there anymore... I... *sighs* I want to be... not necessarily a part of the "in crowd" but I want to be friends with some of them. I've been there as long a most of the older ones and longer than the majority. But I've never had a place with them. And it hurts sometimes. To know that even now I'm still rejected. *rests chin on hand* Many of them are nice people. I could be friends with them. I know I could be. But... they... *sighs* I guess social status.

That's one of the many reasons I want to go to a real school next year. I want to start over. I want to actually be known for who I am. Not just who I was.

You know... I probably know more about half the kids at co-op than my parents know about me. At least, about the present. And they know my name... *sighs* It's kind of depressing to be invisible.

But I've probably been rambling on long enough. I didn't mean to bore anyone, if anyone reads this, it's just something that's been on my mind a lot lately.


Ooh, sibs are watching Gilligan's Island. :P That was a fun show. I've seen most of the episodes. After watching it every Friday night for about... two years? though, it got a little old. I started bailing out on the season three episodes so I haven't seen all of those. I prefer the old Sherlock Holms shows or The Waltons. I like The Andy Griffith Show too. They had good shows "in the old days." :P

*yawns a little* I wish I had my CP account already. Nia should be going through the applications today. I REALLY hope I get in this time around. If I don't, Liss is probably going to kill me. *hides*

I wonder if I'll fit in on CP... I know so much about everyone and they know little to nothing about me. I'm afraid I'll scare people... Normally I wouldn't really care... but I really want the people there to like me... Liss speaks so highly of them. I care about their opinions of me... *sighs a little* But I won't work myself into a state of paranoia now... I should (hopefully) be able to find out tomorrow.

I'm going to stop writing now. I'm getting tired.

TTFN, ART.

*shrugs*

I don't know... Sometimes I just want to give up, you know.

I feel like such crap lately.

Ugh... I just don't know...


"Going Under"

Now I will tell you what I've done for you -
50 thousand tears I've cried.
Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you -
And you still won't hear me.
(going under)
Don't want your hand this time - I'll save myself.
Maybe I'll wake up for once (wake up for once)
Not tormented daily defeated by you
Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom

I'm dying again

I'm going under (going under)
Drowning in you (drowning in you)
I'm falling forever (falling forever)
I've got to break through
I'm going under

Blurring and stirring - the truth and the lies.
(So I don't know what's real) So I don't know what's real and what's not (and what's not)
Always confusing the thoughts in my head
So I can't trust myself anymore

I'm dying again

I'm going under (going under)
Drowning in you (drowning in you)
I'm falling forever (falling forever)
I've got to break through

So go on and scream
Scream at me I'm so far away (so far away)
I won't be broken again (again)
I've got to breathe - I can't keep going under

I'm dying again

I'm going under (going under)
Drowning in you (drowning in you)
I'm falling forever (falling forever)
I've got to break through

I'm going under (going under)
I'm going under (drowning in you)
I'm going under

I don't know.. I just feel like posting something.

The title says it all. I'm just going to leave this page up for awhile and post randomly when I have a thought.

My sister sent me the first part of her NaNo yesterday for me to start editing. Yay! I just did my first piece of real feedback yesterday too as preparation for joining CP. It was actually pretty fun. Not enough to want to be an editor for my career, but it wasn't torture. I just have no confidence in my skills. I'm afraid if I point out everything I see I'll crush someone's spirit. Or that if I go too lightly they'll think I'm stupid. *hides* I'm paranoid...

*sighs* Thinking depressing thoughts about not fitting in now. I should stop. Meh.

Another topic... another topic...

I'm getting hungry. I think we're supposed to be having lunch soon. I hope so, at least. I need to cut back on how much I'm eating, though. I'm starting to overeat at meals. >_< I guess it's a stress reliever of sorts. But then I just get more stressed when I look in the mirror... I don't have a problem with people who are heavier. I think some people look absolutely gorgeous like that. I have a friend as an example. However, I'm not one of those people. Plus, it's a bad thing when it comes to dance.

Oops. Someone was chasing my sister's cat and I thought it was my most ill-behaved brother so I scolded him... Only to find out that it was my sister. Strangeness.

Actually, I have no room to speak. This whole blog post so far is strangeness.

I need to call Ema. Why can't lunch hurry up? I have to wait till it's over to call...

Hm... to keep posting or to open up Dessil's story... *ponders this* To edit, or not to edit that is the question. For whether it is better to post or to red-pen a siblings work... :P

Well, that's not technically right... it would be red font since I'm not printing it out... but red pen sounds better. :P

I think I'll just go ahead and submit this post. I might do another later, but I'm done-ish for now.

TTFN, ART! (Ta-Ta For Now, Anyone-Reading-This)

No...

...I'm not okay. I don't really know what's wrong. I'm just... not okay. *shrugs* Life has been too hard lately. I don't know what the deal is. I'm just having trouble handling everything.

Maybe I'm just tired...



"Numb"

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

[Chorus]
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

[Chorus]
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

[Chorus]
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

[Chorus]
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be

Fading

It seems like everything's fading away lately... The online forums I've made my homes are seeming to die out. Even the places I've only observed from afar are seeming to slip into oblivion. I can't understand it. The only reason I can see is the one I've feared all along.

I kill everything I come in contact with.

Live Free Or Let Me Die

"Live Free Or Let Me Die"

Death until the dust, and we're waiting
Ruined in the rust, of our craving
It feels like, it feels like
Don't you know the cost, of your betrayal?
You're the one that's lost, you're gonna fail
It feels like, it feels like you're gasping with all your might

You can't take away my strength
Fix these broken veins
There's nothing left to fight (Live free or let me die)
You can't take away my pride, I won't be denied
There's nothing left to fight (Live free or let me die)

Insects walk below, I'm on a wire
Fire will burn below, but I am higher
It feels like, it feels like
Don't you know the cost, of your betrayal?
You're the one that's lost, you're gonna fail
It feels like, it feels like you're gasping with all your might

You can't take away my strength
Fix these broken veins
There's nothing left to fight (Live free or let me die)
You can't take away my pride, I won't be denied
There's nothing left to fight (Live free or let me die)

Do you remember how
You became who you are now?
Do you remember how
It felt to breathe without
Gasping with all your might?

You can't take away my strength
Fix these broken veins
Nothing left to fight

You can't take away my strength
Fix these broken veins
There's nothing left to fight (Live free or let me die)
You can't take away my pride, I won't be denied
There's nothing left to fight
Nothing left to fight (Nothing left to fight)
Live free or let me die
Live free or let me die
Live free or let me die

I don't know where I am or what I'm doing. Lately it feels like no one really cares in the end anyway. If I take a step back, I know that's not true, but late at night when I feel so alone it's hard to see the truth. And lately I feel so alone...

I need to get out of here. The stress of being here. Of dealing with all of this, with my mom, with home... It's driving me crazy and it's driving me to regrettable things... I need to get out of here. Matt offered to let me stay at his house and his mom is fine with it. Nothing would happen. Ms. Kim is amazing. But my dad... *rubs head* I could stay with Bit... but she's really one of the worst things for me. Kim, no. Faith, no. I... I have nowhere to go... And it's two more weeks to the day until Liss comes.

I don't think I can make it that long.

Each day it gets harder to hold on. I have no motivation for anything... I can barely force myself to get online. To write this. I have a major paper due Thursday that I haven't even begun. The added stress that puts on me brings me to the brink of insanity every time I think about it.

Not as if that's an excuse that will get me out of a zero for a grade. A ten to twelve page research paper. I need at least eight sources. I have four. I need to have all the research, my rough draft, bibliography, and works cited page done and turned in in a few days. Not to mention that Art project.

Can I just... vanish for a while? I can't handle life right now.

This all sucks. So bad.

Plus I was a major jerk to one of my best friends.

I seriously can't do anything right...