I know January is almost over, but I wish you all a happy New Year anyway! There's still over 11 months left and you should enjoy those.
I'm not going to make a long post, but I just wanted to update.
It's my brothers birthday today.
I miss my friends.
And my parents are driving me crazy.
See y'all later.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Oh dear...
It seems I'm not very good with blogging consistently. :oops:
I don't really feel like talking about what's up in my life, so I'm just going to keep this tab open for a while and write when and if I feel like it. It probably won't be a very sensical post, but who really cares.
The year draws to a close. It has been an interesting year, full of changes, blessings, and so much else I cannot begin to describe. In some ways I am sad to see it go, but in other ways I look forward to starting anew. To entering this new year with a new life. For I have changed drastically over the past 12 months. I'm not the same person anymore. I'm not exactly sure who I am. All of these sudden changes have left me quite discombobulated. I have made friends and lost friends. I have lived and loved and lost. I have laughed and I have cried. In fact, that latter is rather a big deal. For years I could barely cry. I was too numb and disconnected. To cry means that I can truly feel again. It is a relief, though it makes it harder to hide from pain. And there is pain. Much of it. I do not pretend to be perfectly okay. I have failed. Even since my last post I have returned to old habits. I have found myself lying on the floor again broken and tired. But there were differences in those times. I had hope. And it kept me going. It kept me trying. And I made it through the year. When I came so close to never getting through the first month of 2008, I still stand here, drawing to the end of December and I am still alive. I cannot tell you how the next year will go. For all that I know I may die in a car wreck before New Years, though I hope that is not the case. But no matter what happens, I made it this far which is far more than I expected. And, though the past few months have been hard, perhaps among the hardest of my life, I made it through. 2008, though it produced much pain and sadness, has been a year of miracles. And not only in my life. But I will not share a story that is not mine to tell. Yes, I still fear, I do not deny that. In fact, I fear very much. I know I should not, but over the past few months I have found more things, more people to worry after and I fear for their safety. That is an area I need work, and prayer in, learning to trust God with things and not worry so much after them. But it is, as of now, a downfall of mine. I worry too much about the people I care about. And DioM has provided plenty of those. Even everyday life as started sending people across my path. And I'm opening my eyes now. I'm taking a closer look at he people I have known for years and dismissed as people who I could never belong with. And I'm starting to realize that I might have judged too harshly and that many of them might understand far more than I gave them credit for. Yes, this has been a year of many changes. Some for the worse, but many for the better.
Recently I have started listening to the band Superchick. It is almost frightening how well some of their songs fit me. This one has been the theme song of my life lately. I've been going through a bit of a rough time and it has helped a lot.
Beauty from Pain
This song has also been an impacting one.
Stand in the Rain
And, though I fear judgement by some, I shall admit another secret. This song fits me as well, though it would have been more accurate last year and early this one.
Courage
My life has changed so much this past year...
This was a lot different than I was planning to make it, and I think I'm done now.
Until my next post. No galu govad gen. May blessings go with you.
I don't really feel like talking about what's up in my life, so I'm just going to keep this tab open for a while and write when and if I feel like it. It probably won't be a very sensical post, but who really cares.
The year draws to a close. It has been an interesting year, full of changes, blessings, and so much else I cannot begin to describe. In some ways I am sad to see it go, but in other ways I look forward to starting anew. To entering this new year with a new life. For I have changed drastically over the past 12 months. I'm not the same person anymore. I'm not exactly sure who I am. All of these sudden changes have left me quite discombobulated. I have made friends and lost friends. I have lived and loved and lost. I have laughed and I have cried. In fact, that latter is rather a big deal. For years I could barely cry. I was too numb and disconnected. To cry means that I can truly feel again. It is a relief, though it makes it harder to hide from pain. And there is pain. Much of it. I do not pretend to be perfectly okay. I have failed. Even since my last post I have returned to old habits. I have found myself lying on the floor again broken and tired. But there were differences in those times. I had hope. And it kept me going. It kept me trying. And I made it through the year. When I came so close to never getting through the first month of 2008, I still stand here, drawing to the end of December and I am still alive. I cannot tell you how the next year will go. For all that I know I may die in a car wreck before New Years, though I hope that is not the case. But no matter what happens, I made it this far which is far more than I expected. And, though the past few months have been hard, perhaps among the hardest of my life, I made it through. 2008, though it produced much pain and sadness, has been a year of miracles. And not only in my life. But I will not share a story that is not mine to tell. Yes, I still fear, I do not deny that. In fact, I fear very much. I know I should not, but over the past few months I have found more things, more people to worry after and I fear for their safety. That is an area I need work, and prayer in, learning to trust God with things and not worry so much after them. But it is, as of now, a downfall of mine. I worry too much about the people I care about. And DioM has provided plenty of those. Even everyday life as started sending people across my path. And I'm opening my eyes now. I'm taking a closer look at he people I have known for years and dismissed as people who I could never belong with. And I'm starting to realize that I might have judged too harshly and that many of them might understand far more than I gave them credit for. Yes, this has been a year of many changes. Some for the worse, but many for the better.
Recently I have started listening to the band Superchick. It is almost frightening how well some of their songs fit me. This one has been the theme song of my life lately. I've been going through a bit of a rough time and it has helped a lot.
Beauty from Pain
This song has also been an impacting one.
Stand in the Rain
And, though I fear judgement by some, I shall admit another secret. This song fits me as well, though it would have been more accurate last year and early this one.
Courage
My life has changed so much this past year...
This was a lot different than I was planning to make it, and I think I'm done now.
Until my next post. No galu govad gen. May blessings go with you.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Returning
It's been so long since I lasted posted. So much has happened. So much I could say... But won't. For one thing, I haven't the time. But I feel a desire to revive this, though I have a feeling no one reads it any more. A dead blog this is, buried in the back of busy minds occupied with other thoughts. I almost forgot it, but not completely, I have merely been to busy and too confused to write. But I'm able to again. Life has changed and I can breathe. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I can breathe freely. For that's what I am. Free. Soaring through the night on wings I had thought were long gone. But He had not abandoned me. Nay, I had hidden myself from Him. In my shame and fear I pulled myself away and convinced myself that it was He that had left. That I had been forsaken. And it took so much, it took so long, to realize the truth. And I nearly died.
For four and a half years years I have struggled with depression. I have hurt so badly. I have been so alone and afraid. I have been numb in the dark with no hope of the return of light. For almost four years I have been addicted to something to free me from that numbness, to release the anger inside of me, anger at myself and at the world that caused me so much pain and fear. Pain. The feel of a blade against my skin, the knowledge that I could feel something and the knowledge that my wrongs were being repaid twining into a cage of twisted desire, holding me captive. And I was a willing captive, if a frightened one. Hate bloomed in me. Hate for myself, hate for who I was, for who I had become. I despised myself and in my brokenness I only fell farther into the cage that was slowly tightening its choke-hold around me. Strangling the life from my weakening spirit. Nearly three years it proceeded such as I spiraled farther and farther into this twisted addiction.
In February of 2007 I discovered a book series by Christian fantasy author, Bryan Davis. The book I was given was Eye of the Oracle. I devoured it, my heart yearning for the caring Father I saw God displayed as to the characters. They seemed so real and the one seemed so much like me. When she danced with Elohim, I cried. So broken, I went searching for what I had seen. I found a forum for his books, Dragons In Our Midst, and joined it. By the time I was able to post I had seen nearly every part of the forum and I had hope that this was some place I could belong. My hope was right. A year and a half as of yesterday, the forum family has become my family and I feel as if there is the one place I truly belong. In joining I met a few people right off, one of which I am speaking with on IM at this moment. An Angel in human skin. Meeting these people and seeing the love and reflection of God first hand impacted me strongly. Somewhere along the line I decided I wanted to be like them. Despite having grown up in church and a Christian home, the way they loved God was something I never remembered having seen before, something I had never felt. I wanted it. For a while I improved. In September I was struggling and I told three of my friends what was going on. They were magnificent and stood by me through everything. One of my closest friends, Feastel, asked me timidly if I would mind talking to another friend of hers who had struggled with the same thing in the past. I agreed. Even in my desire for pain, I was still afraid and a part of me still wanted to change. As I got to know Are, Feastel, and my other friends better, that part of me grew. I wanted to be free of this, but at the same time the cage walls grew tighter and thicker. The chains holding me seemed to grow heavier and weighed me to the ground, though I longed so much to fly with my friends.
Come January I had reached a point of desolation. In my heart I knew I would never fly. A confrontation with my two closest friends pushed me to the edge. On January 18 I nearly killed myself. But I made it through the night. And told my friends. In what followed Are told her mother, who took control of the situation. My parents were alerted, to what had almost happened. But it was left at that. Things remained that way for a while. I continued to fall into the trap I had woven for myself. I continued to fear and to hide.
May came and things seemed to be going wonderfully. I was going to be meeting Are and Feastel in person for the first time and I was so excited. But the same thing that kept me trapped in the cage trapped me there as well. Unable to get past the chains, I wasn't able to fully enjoy the time with my friends. And I blamed myself. I was miserable upon coming home. In the next week I hurt myself twice. I told Are and Feastel what was going on and things went downhill. Are's mother was alerted once again and this time communication with Are was cut off until July. It ripped my apart, but in an effort I resisted for nearly a month and a half. In June I got to know another friend, ValaVanima, much better. We had met the year before a bit after I had joined and she had been told about me not long before the gathering in May, but we had never had the chance to grow that close. That June and July our friendship took off after a few conversations. In a matter of a few weeks we grew extremely close. In August I went to stay with Are's family for the month. Though I shan't go into detail, I'll say that it was hard. Very hard. I hit low points I hadn't hit in a long time. My last Thursday night there I lost the battle. I struggled for a long time before giving in, but I wasn't strong enough to win the fight. When Han found out what happened, she told her mom. Once again my parents were informed. In terror I wanted to run, to flee. I didn't think I could get though what was ahead. Additionally, my communication with ValaVanima, who I had been relying on during that month for fear of burdening Feastel, was cut off. I crumbled inside, what little was left of my fighting spirit dying within me. I wanted to follow. I longed to let go. But I had made a promise. I had promised ValaVanima that I would hold on until I saw her again. She needed me as much as I needed her. I knew I couldn't leave her. Even though I believed Are and Feastel would be fine with only each other, I knew that ValaVanima needed me. So I held on. I returned September 2, cowering in fear. I knew that I would not be able to avoid a confrontation with my parents for long. But it didn't come that day. On the way home ValaVanima called and I talked to her the entire time in the car. It was a Tuesday when I got home and she was going to be coming to stay with me for a week that Saturday. I just had to hold on until then.
As I'm writing this now, I suppose it's clear that I managed to. The Friday night before we left my dad tried to talk with me about the cutting. But I didn't let him. In my fear I panicked and pulled away. He finally gave up and left. The next day I forced my sister to come along in the car to pick ValaVanima up so that I wouldn't be faced with riding in a car alone with my father. It held off the conversation and then my Vala was here. The week was amazing. We were busy beyond belief, but we still had time to talk and enjoy each others company. I was happier than I had been in a while. But still the bars of my cage choked me, drowning my attempts for joy. Finally Thursday night, two weeks exactly after what happened at Are's, I found myself there again. I stood on the edge of the brink. The day that been hard I had nearly run away that evening. It was that bad. So that night after getting offline I went to see ValaVanima where she was chatting with some friends on Facebook. I acted all go-lucky-happy and she never suspected a thing. But when I got downstairs I collapsed. I lay curled on my bed for a bit. I had become completely numb. After a few minutes I got up and put on Whispers in the Dark on the stereo system pretty loudly, just trying to drown out what was in my head. It didn't work all that well. I found myself kneeling on my bed, a pair of scissors clutched in my hands. I held them for the fist time through the song, just staring at them. Then I dropped them, pushing them away to arms length. I stayed like that, curled up in a ball, staring numbly, for the next two times through the song (it was on repeat) and half way through the third. By that time I was losing what small control I had left. I lifted the scissors and gripped them tightly. I was on the brink, but still trying to resist. I opened them. Then closed them again. Opened them. Closed them. I wanted so badly to feel the pain, but I was resisting. During the fourth time through the song I nearly did it. But I stayed stronger than that. I closed them and gripped them in my hands so they couldn't be seen and just sat there, frozen. All the while through my mind had been running scenarios. I heard the voices of my friends telling me over and over that I was worth more than this. I could hear them telling me that they loved me. That I didn't need this. That I could be free. I saw them as they were. Loved by Him. Beautiful. Free. I looked at myself. At all that I hated. As I pried down beneath the surface I realized something. The only difference between me and them was this. For the first time I saw the cage clearly for what it was. A flimsy web of lies and hate. For so long I had blinded myself to it, allowing myself to believe that I wasn't being trapped, but that what I feared and hated was part of myself, not the captor that had trapped me. But I saw the truth. And I saw the door. It stood wide open before me and without I could see my friends, their hands outstretched to me, calling my name. And I could see Him. Waiting there. Waiting for me. And I was so afraid. But I looked inside again. I broke, the deadness falling away and I finally was able to see what was left of the part of me that I once was. The part of me that is able to love and be loved. I saw her. And I allowed myself to become her, even though I was so afraid. And even though I was so scared, so terrified of leaving... I did. I left the cage.
And I'm free.
For the first time in years I'm free. I can feel and smile and love. I now know that I am loved, that I am not worthless, and that I am not alone. I have so much yet to learn, but all of that I know. And I'll have help learning the rest. He's there and so are all of my friends. It's a long path and I know it's going to be so hard... but I'm not going back into that cage. I am NOT! It tried to take me back the next morning. It tried to drag me back and capture me once again. But I'm still free. I didn't let it win. I am still free. He saved me because I finally stopped running and let Him. And I am free! I cannot even begin to describe how amazing it feels to be free after so long! How it feels to be able to breathe. But I am free. And he can't have me back!
I don't know if I was ever actually saved before, but that night might as well have been my spiritual birthday. From now on I will consider it such. It was the night I was saved. It was the night I was set free. And I am free. Forever free! And I can only fall to the ground and thank Him for saving me. I can never thank my friends enough for sticking with me through it all. I am so blessed. And so grateful to be alive. When I have come so close so many times, I can only shiver in gratefulness that I was given this chance to live. To truly live. For the first time in so long. There have been struggles already, attempts to drag me down again, but I'm leaning on Him and letting Him be me strength. I'm still scared, I still feel alone at times (the night after ValaVanima went home was pretty tough), but I //know// that He's there. And I know I can get through this. I know I can make it. Through Christ, all things are made possible.
I feel like jumping, skipping, dancing, crying... It's so overwhelming and beautiful.
I have yet to talk to my parents about everything, but I know now that I can make it through this. I know that He's with me. I know that I am not alone.
Well. I never started this out intending to write all of that, but I felt that He was telling me to. That He was telling me it was time to come out of hiding and face the light of day. My sins have been washed away. The filth made clean. I have no cause for shame. My only concern now is that my life from this point forth be focused on serving Him.
This is my history. This is my testimony. God has saved me from the person I was and made me new. The person in the paragraphs above is no longer me. I am His child now and no old guilt can be held above me. My soul is clean. Washed in blood that has saved me as my own never could. To quote a bracelet from a dear friend:
Creation
Corruption
Catastrophe
Confusion
Christ
Cross
Consummation
My spirit has been set free. My wings have been unbound. He is shaping me to His purpose and I will be more than I ever could have imagined. I can fly. I can breath. I am free.
I am a Vala in Shaping.
I am a Child of God.
I am a Christian.
I am Forever Free.
I am Never Alone.
For four and a half years years I have struggled with depression. I have hurt so badly. I have been so alone and afraid. I have been numb in the dark with no hope of the return of light. For almost four years I have been addicted to something to free me from that numbness, to release the anger inside of me, anger at myself and at the world that caused me so much pain and fear. Pain. The feel of a blade against my skin, the knowledge that I could feel something and the knowledge that my wrongs were being repaid twining into a cage of twisted desire, holding me captive. And I was a willing captive, if a frightened one. Hate bloomed in me. Hate for myself, hate for who I was, for who I had become. I despised myself and in my brokenness I only fell farther into the cage that was slowly tightening its choke-hold around me. Strangling the life from my weakening spirit. Nearly three years it proceeded such as I spiraled farther and farther into this twisted addiction.
In February of 2007 I discovered a book series by Christian fantasy author, Bryan Davis. The book I was given was Eye of the Oracle. I devoured it, my heart yearning for the caring Father I saw God displayed as to the characters. They seemed so real and the one seemed so much like me. When she danced with Elohim, I cried. So broken, I went searching for what I had seen. I found a forum for his books, Dragons In Our Midst, and joined it. By the time I was able to post I had seen nearly every part of the forum and I had hope that this was some place I could belong. My hope was right. A year and a half as of yesterday, the forum family has become my family and I feel as if there is the one place I truly belong. In joining I met a few people right off, one of which I am speaking with on IM at this moment. An Angel in human skin. Meeting these people and seeing the love and reflection of God first hand impacted me strongly. Somewhere along the line I decided I wanted to be like them. Despite having grown up in church and a Christian home, the way they loved God was something I never remembered having seen before, something I had never felt. I wanted it. For a while I improved. In September I was struggling and I told three of my friends what was going on. They were magnificent and stood by me through everything. One of my closest friends, Feastel, asked me timidly if I would mind talking to another friend of hers who had struggled with the same thing in the past. I agreed. Even in my desire for pain, I was still afraid and a part of me still wanted to change. As I got to know Are, Feastel, and my other friends better, that part of me grew. I wanted to be free of this, but at the same time the cage walls grew tighter and thicker. The chains holding me seemed to grow heavier and weighed me to the ground, though I longed so much to fly with my friends.
Come January I had reached a point of desolation. In my heart I knew I would never fly. A confrontation with my two closest friends pushed me to the edge. On January 18 I nearly killed myself. But I made it through the night. And told my friends. In what followed Are told her mother, who took control of the situation. My parents were alerted, to what had almost happened. But it was left at that. Things remained that way for a while. I continued to fall into the trap I had woven for myself. I continued to fear and to hide.
May came and things seemed to be going wonderfully. I was going to be meeting Are and Feastel in person for the first time and I was so excited. But the same thing that kept me trapped in the cage trapped me there as well. Unable to get past the chains, I wasn't able to fully enjoy the time with my friends. And I blamed myself. I was miserable upon coming home. In the next week I hurt myself twice. I told Are and Feastel what was going on and things went downhill. Are's mother was alerted once again and this time communication with Are was cut off until July. It ripped my apart, but in an effort I resisted for nearly a month and a half. In June I got to know another friend, ValaVanima, much better. We had met the year before a bit after I had joined and she had been told about me not long before the gathering in May, but we had never had the chance to grow that close. That June and July our friendship took off after a few conversations. In a matter of a few weeks we grew extremely close. In August I went to stay with Are's family for the month. Though I shan't go into detail, I'll say that it was hard. Very hard. I hit low points I hadn't hit in a long time. My last Thursday night there I lost the battle. I struggled for a long time before giving in, but I wasn't strong enough to win the fight. When Han found out what happened, she told her mom. Once again my parents were informed. In terror I wanted to run, to flee. I didn't think I could get though what was ahead. Additionally, my communication with ValaVanima, who I had been relying on during that month for fear of burdening Feastel, was cut off. I crumbled inside, what little was left of my fighting spirit dying within me. I wanted to follow. I longed to let go. But I had made a promise. I had promised ValaVanima that I would hold on until I saw her again. She needed me as much as I needed her. I knew I couldn't leave her. Even though I believed Are and Feastel would be fine with only each other, I knew that ValaVanima needed me. So I held on. I returned September 2, cowering in fear. I knew that I would not be able to avoid a confrontation with my parents for long. But it didn't come that day. On the way home ValaVanima called and I talked to her the entire time in the car. It was a Tuesday when I got home and she was going to be coming to stay with me for a week that Saturday. I just had to hold on until then.
As I'm writing this now, I suppose it's clear that I managed to. The Friday night before we left my dad tried to talk with me about the cutting. But I didn't let him. In my fear I panicked and pulled away. He finally gave up and left. The next day I forced my sister to come along in the car to pick ValaVanima up so that I wouldn't be faced with riding in a car alone with my father. It held off the conversation and then my Vala was here. The week was amazing. We were busy beyond belief, but we still had time to talk and enjoy each others company. I was happier than I had been in a while. But still the bars of my cage choked me, drowning my attempts for joy. Finally Thursday night, two weeks exactly after what happened at Are's, I found myself there again. I stood on the edge of the brink. The day that been hard I had nearly run away that evening. It was that bad. So that night after getting offline I went to see ValaVanima where she was chatting with some friends on Facebook. I acted all go-lucky-happy and she never suspected a thing. But when I got downstairs I collapsed. I lay curled on my bed for a bit. I had become completely numb. After a few minutes I got up and put on Whispers in the Dark on the stereo system pretty loudly, just trying to drown out what was in my head. It didn't work all that well. I found myself kneeling on my bed, a pair of scissors clutched in my hands. I held them for the fist time through the song, just staring at them. Then I dropped them, pushing them away to arms length. I stayed like that, curled up in a ball, staring numbly, for the next two times through the song (it was on repeat) and half way through the third. By that time I was losing what small control I had left. I lifted the scissors and gripped them tightly. I was on the brink, but still trying to resist. I opened them. Then closed them again. Opened them. Closed them. I wanted so badly to feel the pain, but I was resisting. During the fourth time through the song I nearly did it. But I stayed stronger than that. I closed them and gripped them in my hands so they couldn't be seen and just sat there, frozen. All the while through my mind had been running scenarios. I heard the voices of my friends telling me over and over that I was worth more than this. I could hear them telling me that they loved me. That I didn't need this. That I could be free. I saw them as they were. Loved by Him. Beautiful. Free. I looked at myself. At all that I hated. As I pried down beneath the surface I realized something. The only difference between me and them was this. For the first time I saw the cage clearly for what it was. A flimsy web of lies and hate. For so long I had blinded myself to it, allowing myself to believe that I wasn't being trapped, but that what I feared and hated was part of myself, not the captor that had trapped me. But I saw the truth. And I saw the door. It stood wide open before me and without I could see my friends, their hands outstretched to me, calling my name. And I could see Him. Waiting there. Waiting for me. And I was so afraid. But I looked inside again. I broke, the deadness falling away and I finally was able to see what was left of the part of me that I once was. The part of me that is able to love and be loved. I saw her. And I allowed myself to become her, even though I was so afraid. And even though I was so scared, so terrified of leaving... I did. I left the cage.
And I'm free.
For the first time in years I'm free. I can feel and smile and love. I now know that I am loved, that I am not worthless, and that I am not alone. I have so much yet to learn, but all of that I know. And I'll have help learning the rest. He's there and so are all of my friends. It's a long path and I know it's going to be so hard... but I'm not going back into that cage. I am NOT! It tried to take me back the next morning. It tried to drag me back and capture me once again. But I'm still free. I didn't let it win. I am still free. He saved me because I finally stopped running and let Him. And I am free! I cannot even begin to describe how amazing it feels to be free after so long! How it feels to be able to breathe. But I am free. And he can't have me back!
I don't know if I was ever actually saved before, but that night might as well have been my spiritual birthday. From now on I will consider it such. It was the night I was saved. It was the night I was set free. And I am free. Forever free! And I can only fall to the ground and thank Him for saving me. I can never thank my friends enough for sticking with me through it all. I am so blessed. And so grateful to be alive. When I have come so close so many times, I can only shiver in gratefulness that I was given this chance to live. To truly live. For the first time in so long. There have been struggles already, attempts to drag me down again, but I'm leaning on Him and letting Him be me strength. I'm still scared, I still feel alone at times (the night after ValaVanima went home was pretty tough), but I //know// that He's there. And I know I can get through this. I know I can make it. Through Christ, all things are made possible.
I feel like jumping, skipping, dancing, crying... It's so overwhelming and beautiful.
I have yet to talk to my parents about everything, but I know now that I can make it through this. I know that He's with me. I know that I am not alone.
Well. I never started this out intending to write all of that, but I felt that He was telling me to. That He was telling me it was time to come out of hiding and face the light of day. My sins have been washed away. The filth made clean. I have no cause for shame. My only concern now is that my life from this point forth be focused on serving Him.
This is my history. This is my testimony. God has saved me from the person I was and made me new. The person in the paragraphs above is no longer me. I am His child now and no old guilt can be held above me. My soul is clean. Washed in blood that has saved me as my own never could. To quote a bracelet from a dear friend:
Creation
Corruption
Catastrophe
Confusion
Christ
Cross
Consummation
My spirit has been set free. My wings have been unbound. He is shaping me to His purpose and I will be more than I ever could have imagined. I can fly. I can breath. I am free.
I am a Vala in Shaping.
I am a Child of God.
I am a Christian.
I am Forever Free.
I am Never Alone.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Cut me down
What do they want from me? Every thing I do is wrong to them. Another failure. Another mistake. Can I do nothing right? It's not even worth the try. Why bother. Cut me down, make me bleed, kill me slowly from within. It's nothing that hasn't happened before.
I need to get out of here.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d7VvkZY3VVk
I need to get out of here.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d7VvkZY3VVk
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Sisters & Giggles
And again life has taken a turn. This time for the better. I am no longer torn apart. What I was missing has returned and while things are not yet quite the same as before, I have hope that someday they will be. And in twenty days I should now for sure and if my hopes follow through I pray that I will feel truly whole again.
In twenty days I am going to MI to spend a few wodnerulf weeks with a beautiful Angel. It will be so near to perfect. Only two things could make it any better and I think if I got those two I would explode. But still, I wouldn't really mind exploding if it meant I could see Ema, Hannah, and Lisse all together again before I died. :P So maybe we could try it next year. Hehe. That would be splendid fun! But this year will still be beyond perfection! I love Áre so! I can't believe I'll be seeing her again in less than a month! And for so long! It nearly unfathomable! *shivers in delight* What wonders! *closes eye and dreams* To spend every day with her and to not have to leave even when night falls. To not have to leave for over three glorious weeks. Oh... How marvelous it will be! I cannot even begin to describe it! Nay, I cannot even truly imagine it. It cannot be imagined. I will not even try for imagination could never do it justice. No, instead I will dream and wait. It is not too far off. Twenty days is a mere blink compared to May and though there will not be two Angels there, I would wait twice the length of May's wait to spend even a week with my Áre!
I really am exceedingly lucky. I have the most marvelous friends anyone in the world could ask for. And the most beautiful. ((If I hear a word of protest from any of you, pokes will be forthcoming!)) My Sisters are so incredible and I have the best big Sister ((Ema: Big Lisse!)) in the world.
Speaking of Lisse, she truly is splendid. I fell in love with her ((Not that way, Libby!)) the very first time I met her and every time I talk to her, everything new that I learn just makes me love her more. *hugs Lisse tightly* She's truly amazing and despite what might be said, I need her very very very much if even just to make me laugh when I don't want to smile. And she's incredibly good at that, I might add. I might have to hire her as my jester once I become world ruler. :* I admit I'm a bit jealous though. She certainly got the long stick in some aspects of life. After all, not everyone gets the lovely looks, the stunning smile, and the incredible personality. *shakes head with a sad expression* I guess the rest of the world just missed out on the splendid genes all my Sisters got!
*giggles* I have the oddest feeling I'm going to get poked for some of the content of this post. But it's all true! No matter what anyone says! Besides, God agrees with me. Are you going to argue with Him? Hm??? Didn't thank so. *smiles sweetly*
*rolls eyes* I have gotten exceedingly silly the past couple of days! I blame it on Lisse! She made me too happy. <_< Then againg, it's also due to the return of something I was missing very much, so I can't blame it all on Lisse. *sighs* What a shame. She's so easy to blame. ((Kidding. :P))
And now that I have rambled, gushed, and adored I have quite run out of things to say! Dear me! I suppose that means I should end before I make a fool of myself. Well, farewell all my dear and faithful readers. *coughcough* Until my next post! *bows with a flourish*
No galu govad gen!
In twenty days I am going to MI to spend a few wodnerulf weeks with a beautiful Angel. It will be so near to perfect. Only two things could make it any better and I think if I got those two I would explode. But still, I wouldn't really mind exploding if it meant I could see Ema, Hannah, and Lisse all together again before I died. :P So maybe we could try it next year. Hehe. That would be splendid fun! But this year will still be beyond perfection! I love Áre so! I can't believe I'll be seeing her again in less than a month! And for so long! It nearly unfathomable! *shivers in delight* What wonders! *closes eye and dreams* To spend every day with her and to not have to leave even when night falls. To not have to leave for over three glorious weeks. Oh... How marvelous it will be! I cannot even begin to describe it! Nay, I cannot even truly imagine it. It cannot be imagined. I will not even try for imagination could never do it justice. No, instead I will dream and wait. It is not too far off. Twenty days is a mere blink compared to May and though there will not be two Angels there, I would wait twice the length of May's wait to spend even a week with my Áre!
I really am exceedingly lucky. I have the most marvelous friends anyone in the world could ask for. And the most beautiful. ((If I hear a word of protest from any of you, pokes will be forthcoming!)) My Sisters are so incredible and I have the best big Sister ((Ema: Big Lisse!)) in the world.
Speaking of Lisse, she truly is splendid. I fell in love with her ((Not that way, Libby!)) the very first time I met her and every time I talk to her, everything new that I learn just makes me love her more. *hugs Lisse tightly* She's truly amazing and despite what might be said, I need her very very very much if even just to make me laugh when I don't want to smile. And she's incredibly good at that, I might add. I might have to hire her as my jester once I become world ruler. :* I admit I'm a bit jealous though. She certainly got the long stick in some aspects of life. After all, not everyone gets the lovely looks, the stunning smile, and the incredible personality. *shakes head with a sad expression* I guess the rest of the world just missed out on the splendid genes all my Sisters got!
*giggles* I have the oddest feeling I'm going to get poked for some of the content of this post. But it's all true! No matter what anyone says! Besides, God agrees with me. Are you going to argue with Him? Hm??? Didn't thank so. *smiles sweetly*
*rolls eyes* I have gotten exceedingly silly the past couple of days! I blame it on Lisse! She made me too happy. <_< Then againg, it's also due to the return of something I was missing very much, so I can't blame it all on Lisse. *sighs* What a shame. She's so easy to blame. ((Kidding. :P))
And now that I have rambled, gushed, and adored I have quite run out of things to say! Dear me! I suppose that means I should end before I make a fool of myself. Well, farewell all my dear and faithful readers. *coughcough* Until my next post! *bows with a flourish*
No galu govad gen!
Friday, July 11, 2008
Breathing.
And the world yet spins. My life has been so crazy this past month that it's almost a miracle. But the world does not seem to care if my life has turned upside down. But perhaps that's a good thing. While things have not yet changed, I'm learning to cope. I'm living my life, I'm laughing, I'm singing, I'm even happy a good part of the time. But still I can always feel what's missing. The hallow ache in my chest when I see a picture, see a name, a phrase I wish to share, but can't. This happened to me before. Years ago. But this time it's harder. This time the ache feels somehow larger, even though this time I have else to help heal the emptiness. But it isn't the same.
I'm here, alive, happy. And yet, I'm not. A portion of me has been torn away and I still await its return. Will it ever come? And if it does indeed return, can things ever go back to the way they were? The hallow inside has widened, the absence on my Heart causing damage, tearing apart what held it in. And now, if it returns how will it fit now that the hole is so much larger than before? And with each memory, each joke, each reminder the hole widens and I fear that soon it might never be able to be repaired and that even if it was to return, nothing could make it fit like before and that slowly, but surely it would slip away with nothing to keep it where it belongs. But would that be better? With the fragility of my nature would it be better to let go and let it be held by others? But how could I? How could I continue knowing that it was lost to me forever? Even with my other half still remaining I do not think I could ever be whole again and the hole inside would only widen until it consumed me and I lost myself entirely. No, I cannot let go. But still I fear. What if I have lost it already? So far away. So long gone. What if it does not wish to return? Or what if it cannot? I could not force it back. And perhaps that means that I must indeed let it go. From what I have seen it does not seem to suffer away, so perhaps that is what is best. To let go. But for now I cannot think of that. Unless I am told to let go, I will not. But still I bleed and that I cannot stop. Even when I laugh in real happiness a part of me still cries. I am not whole. I pray I might be one day, but I do not know. For not I just breathe. I breathe and try to act as if nothing is missing. I smile, I laugh, and I pray for its return. But all I can do is wait.
I'm here, alive, happy. And yet, I'm not. A portion of me has been torn away and I still await its return. Will it ever come? And if it does indeed return, can things ever go back to the way they were? The hallow inside has widened, the absence on my Heart causing damage, tearing apart what held it in. And now, if it returns how will it fit now that the hole is so much larger than before? And with each memory, each joke, each reminder the hole widens and I fear that soon it might never be able to be repaired and that even if it was to return, nothing could make it fit like before and that slowly, but surely it would slip away with nothing to keep it where it belongs. But would that be better? With the fragility of my nature would it be better to let go and let it be held by others? But how could I? How could I continue knowing that it was lost to me forever? Even with my other half still remaining I do not think I could ever be whole again and the hole inside would only widen until it consumed me and I lost myself entirely. No, I cannot let go. But still I fear. What if I have lost it already? So far away. So long gone. What if it does not wish to return? Or what if it cannot? I could not force it back. And perhaps that means that I must indeed let it go. From what I have seen it does not seem to suffer away, so perhaps that is what is best. To let go. But for now I cannot think of that. Unless I am told to let go, I will not. But still I bleed and that I cannot stop. Even when I laugh in real happiness a part of me still cries. I am not whole. I pray I might be one day, but I do not know. For not I just breathe. I breathe and try to act as if nothing is missing. I smile, I laugh, and I pray for its return. But all I can do is wait.
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