Through Moonlit Eyes

Scoop of Life, Feb 9

2012-02-10T02:07:00.003-05:00

"I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell. I know right now you can't tell."

This is going to be it for now. I feel I should make a general warning. From now on, all of my overflows of thoughts that I can't keep inside anymore will be ending up here where they don't take up anyone's time and people can ignore them. I don't want to be selfish more than I can help, so I've decided to quite dumping on people. I'll let this blog catch the overflow, and any readers out there can just ignore it. So there.

Not on an emotional note: I've been teaching myself Russian the past few days. I realized a little under a week ago that Russia and Russian have always fascinated me, and I never realized it. So now I'm making plans to take Russian at uni and make a stop in the lovely country during my visit to Europe. I'm also writing a paper on Russia. And I feel more alive than I have in some time. Learning languages and forming dreams do that for me. It's just a matter of keeping them from getting crushed. Which is why I try not to talk about them in depth. Particularly to certain people. That way, I can keep right on dreaming.

I've also been spending time looking at European street styles and redesigning my look. I wore a new combination of clothes from my closet to classes on Tuesday and got tons of compliments. I felt fantastic all day. I felt like who I want to be and who I am inside. And I felt classy. It was lovely.

I also went to a Bible meeting thingy at my school Tuesday evening. Apparently students from a nearby church meet there every week to have a little service thing. It was kind of nice. The other girls in particular were friendly, and the atmosphere was comfortable. I'm still wary, though. I've had so many bad experiences with church groups that I've become quite the coward. And I'm really curious about some of their theology and beliefs--things that would determine my willingness to stick with it.

I got a new phone recently. It's an android and it's ever so exciting to have it. I feel cool. And it's really handy to have. Especially since my computer battery is corrupted making it impossible to use unless it's plugged in. The phone works as a decent substitute for most things.

School has been going alright. I don't love any of my classes, but I don't hate any of them either. They're all rather easy and boring. I really wish I was taking a foreign language class this year. It would make things much more interesting. At least my English class is decent, though.

Lately I've been rather odd about music. I've been getting randomly sick of certain songs that I typically love, and then I'll just get sick of all music whatsoever. It's very strange for me. I guess I get bored of it. Which would also probably explain my tendency to go for rap/hip-hop and more hardcore music in those moods. Not styles I like much at other times.

Someday soon I'm going to get started on filming stuff. I have an idea for a music video I want to do, and I'm tossing around a couple ideas for a web series or short film. It could be fun. I just wish I had more people to work with and proper equipment. But you do with what you can. C'est la vie.

And I think that's about all. I really do write the lamest blog posts. Maybe they would be better if I actually kept up with it.

Lack of honesty

2011-12-29T14:46:00.003-05:00

Today I had something I really wanted to say, but after having to revise it multiple times, and eventually giving up and not saying it at all, I was reminded that I can't really be honest or open with anyone. All my communications go through a filter. I don't think there's ever been anyone who knew what was really going on inside of me at a particular moment. Even when I want to tell people things, I can't. There are so many reasons why I can't confide in people. For this individual it's such-and-such a reason. For this group, it's because of so-and-so.

I can't confide in anyone but God, and it gets a little hard just whispering my thoughts and feelings to a seemingly empty sky. I mean, I know He's there, but when I don't feel him and I don't get a response, it can be a bit hard. Especially about certain things. Things where I need advice. Where I'm feeling lost without someone to help me work through things. In those cases, I wish I had someone I could talk to.

Even this post is going outside my comfort zone. And I already did that once today with negative results. I just wish sometimes that we never had to change. That we could find our comfort zones and never budge. Sure, it may still be lonely, but at least it's not painful too.

3 am

2011-10-04T13:25:00.000-04:00

It’s always three am when it hits her hardest. The depression, the loneliness, the uncertainty. It’s the time when she might once have prayed or cried, but she’s forgotten how to do both. Prayers and tears are reserved for special occasions. They don’t mean an awful lot anymore. Three am is almost a ritual by now. When she’s sleeping it’s not nearly as bad, but she’s hardly ever sleeping by then now.

She thinks while she waits for sleep. Tangled threads of shadowed half-thoughts. Rarely words, just feelings and cold. She knows she’s missing something, but she can’t think of what. She knows something’s wrong, but she can’t find the problem. Perhaps everything is problem, the forest hiding in the trees.

Sometimes she thinks of music, words floating though her head in a mismatched melody. Lyrics that tell a story until her heart threatens to stop and her thoughts run away from a note too close to home. She forgets what the words said. She always forgets.

Sometimes she thinks in words, disjointed phrases that lead her in dizzying circles of rational. Sometimes her words spill out in the dim glow of a monitor or whispered pleas for something, anything to change this. She thinks she prays sometimes, but the words feel all wrong and her thoughts run away from that as well. Praying makes her feel too empty, too alone. She doesn’t like the emptiness. It hurts more than numbness.

Sometimes she thinks about him. Her half-formed wish. Her thoughts turn to dreams and she smiles. But only on the good nights. Other nights she thinks of him and her hollow chest stabs her throat. She knows better than to believe in dreams. She wishes she could make that fluttering in her stomach when she sees him understand.

Once in a while a tear wets her eye lashes. It’s the most she cries at three am. She lets the moisture dry in the air. It makes her feel alive, human. She wishes she could remember how to sob. The cavity in her chest seems filled with oceans. But tears don’t fall for depression, or loneliness, or uncertainty. Tears fall when she thinks of her siblings. Tears fall for her family.

She cried at midnight on her nineteenth birthday. She sobbed for hours, away from home, in another’s room. She sobbed for her sister and her brothers, for her parents, and the home she couldn’t wait to escape. She sobbed for the years slipping away and the years yet remaining. Since then she spends more time at home. Since then she cares more about birthdays.

At three am she lies awake and tries to breathe evenly. She holds still despite the tumult of her mind. She tries not to wake the girl in the next bed. At three am she stares at the cold digits and waits for her mind to slow. For the tangled threads to twist into dreams. At three am she sits in the glow of the monitor and does not cry.

2011-08-06T10:13:00.002-04:00

I checked and it's impossible. I can't remember the last time I wanted to cry so much.

I can't wait till Mar gets here in an hour. It'll help. But this next week is still going to be one of the hardest of my life.

And I'm glad no one really reads this blog. I feel so pathetic complaining about things like this. But at least no one will be irritated by it.

2011-08-06T00:35:00.002-04:00

This next week is going to be one of the hardest of my life. I'm already on the verge of constant tears. It feels so wrong not to be packing and bustling and trying to get ready. It's almost unbearable to think that I won't get to see everyone, laugh with everyone, write with everyone. My eyes ache to see mountains again. I feel like Bilbo. I long for the adventures I've grown to rely on. Moot has gotten me through two years. Now I'm in the midst of one of the craziest and most difficult in many ways and I'm stuck here without it. What am I supposed to do? I feel so alone and, I hate to admit it, forgotten. I feel as if it was only through Moot that I could really bond with those I love and now, without being there, I know others will become close with each other and I'll be left out of the mix, the jokes, and the stories. I already find it hard enough to talk to people online. Now, missing Moot, it's inevitable that before long I'll lose my place among CPers altogether.

I'm with people all the time now a days. I see people on a regular basis, I go to the mall, I hang out and see films. I have a social life that I never had before. And yet I feel as lonely as I ever did. I miss the relationships I used to have. I miss the way things used to be. And I don't know how to go back to that from a distance. I don't know how to fix things apart from face-to-face.

I needed Moot this year. I was so sure I would be going. I felt in my heart that God would work things out. I thought I felt Him telling me so. But it's not happening. And now I don't know what to do.

I just want to curl up and cry... I feel so pathetic.

2011-07-31T23:38:00.000-04:00

I feel so empty right now. So totally depressed... and I think I may know why and it's the stupidest reason. I just... wish I could cry. But I feel trapped in myself. Tears won't come.

How far I've come.

2011-07-21T17:41:00.002-04:00

Today I realized how much I've changed. I've been off all day and something happened to make me really upset about a half hour ago. About 20 minutes later after my roommate went out for a walk I picked up a pair of scissors and put them away. This may not seem like a big deal, but up until as recently as a month or two ago I would have at the very least felt an intense urge to cut, but it wasn't until the scissors were already back in the pencil holder that the thought of cutting even crossed my mind and it was in the context of "I didn't want to."

I didn't realize how far I've come until that moment.

I'm tired.

2011-05-16T01:24:00.000-04:00

And Sims 3 is a bit addictive.

I missed five days.

2011-05-15T02:38:00.001-04:00

I fail.

So much to do today.

2011-05-10T12:09:00.002-04:00

I hope stress doesn't kill me. I'm really worried about my Financial Aid stuff... I need it to Transfer for this semester, but apparently it's not that easy... I'm not really sure what I'm going to do. Call the office, I guess.

Only a few more days

2011-05-09T12:08:00.003-04:00

...until I can register for summer classes. It's frustrating that I have to wait this long since I have a feeling there won't really be any classes available by the time I get to look. I hope I can at least get what I need. And maybe enough credits to start this fall as a Sophomore?

Last night my family (and roommate) sat outside and roasted hot dogs and marshmallows over a campfire. It was actually a really nice time. We followed it up by watching Hook and, oh my, I love that movie. It had been too long since I'd seen it that I'd forgotten how wonderful it is. But we now own it on DVD, so I can watch it anytime I'd like!

In other news, I really want to work on some sewing stuff. Especially since I have my lovely new machine. It's just a matter of actually doing it. And getting the fabric. But mostly doing it. I am notoriously lazy at times.

That's about all I have to say for now, though. Until my next post, my dear followers.

No galu govad gen.

Mother's Day

2011-05-08T11:35:00.002-04:00

So I woke up this morning to a voice mail from three of my "kids" wishing me a happy Mother's Day and sending their love. It made me smile. I love my little family and wish I was still able to see all of them this summer, but I guess it wasn't to be.

Blood of Beasts

2011-05-08T00:36:00.003-04:00

Quite possibly one of the most hysterical movies I've seen in quite a while. It's a total B movie in the best possible way. If you ever have the chance to watch it, you should. Keep an eye out for Sven's hair. And Freya's wedding dress. It might make you cry--either from laughter or from agony at the torture the costume designer puts the audience through. It's worth the 86 minutes, though. It was at once one of the worst and one of the funniest movies I've come across.

Trying something new

2011-05-07T15:19:00.001-04:00

I've decided that, for at least the time being, I'm going to blog every day. Nothing fancy or special, just little thoughts, quotes, songs, videos, etc. Things that occur to me or stick out to me during the day. We'll see if I can keep this up for at least a month.

I never

2011-04-14T08:19:00.002-04:00

post anymore. In case my small array of followers didn't notice. *grin*

Life has been interesting lately. To give a brief overview, I had a friend move in and become my roommate, I got accepted to KSU for the Summer, and I've been busy doing a lot for and in regard to my family.

Currently the Renaissance Faire is coming up and, since I plan to be there opening weekend, I really have a lot to do. As always, the costumes will be half-done at best because I procrastinate too much and can't afford the good supplies I need. *sigh* I had a dream last night that I got a job. It was disappointing to wake up and realize that I don't yet.

Emotionally life has been... complicated. I feel rather like a canoe on the high seas a lot of the time. But I'll survive. God will provide. He's already been looking out for me by giving me, Ama, and Katie a church we can go to.

Really the most stressful aspect of life right now is the fact that I never seem to have enough time. When I'm doing one thing, something else really needs to be done, and there are always people I end up neglecting as a result. I really feel like an awful friend.

Today is going to be harder than usual, though. I can't go to Moot this year. If you've read much else of my blog, you'll know to an extent how important Moot is to me. However, this year it overlaps with the first week of my new college's fall classes. The one week you really can't miss. I'm not sure how the next few days and weeks will go as this realization starts to sink in, but I was already in tears this morning. And tears don't come easily for me. I cry with mild regularity, but rarely with tears.

But, regardless, I thought it was about time that I updated this.

To anyone still reading my posts, much love to you.

Well then.

2010-09-11T15:07:00.003-04:00

So life has changed a lot since my last post. Like, a lot a lot. A lot of it for the better.

I'm kind of just blogging because I remembered this blog randomly yesterday. Don't expect it to last. *oops* Most of my journaling has been being done on other sites where I tend to frequent more often.

In a few minutes I have a friend and her sister coming over. I'm taking measurements of my friend, drawing up a pattern for the cosplay I'm making her, and then the three of us are heading out to find a dress for my friend. I think. I'm a little confused on that last bit. We're going somewhere. But while I wait I'm going to at least start this post.

This summer has been pretty much the best of my life. I've met all sorts of amazing people and, for once, a lot of them have actually lived near me. Close enough to get together fairly regularly. It's been one of the least lonely periods of my entire life. I've been so much happier than I can remember being in years. I haven't felt more than a little depressed in months.

It's now many hours later. A quick trip to Ross turned into going over to my friend's house and hanging out all evening. It was fun, but I now have a lot I need to do before I can go to bed. Here's to hoping I can make at least some progress on Ceil's coat.

I'm going to blog a little more before I leave, though. I'm not sure when I'll get back to this anyway.

I've been thinking a lot over the last couple weeks. It's been an interesting past month. Awesome what with Moot, Kaylee's visit, and various opportunities to hang out with local friends, but interesting. The past couple weeks the most so. I found out something recently that really shook me up for a while and that still preoccupies a lot of my thoughts. Getting to go stay with a couple friends for the weekend and attend DragonCon last weekend helped a lot, though. The past few days, though, another thing has been occupying my mind.

I have the possibility to move to London for a while in a year or two. My mom has friends from the London area currently living near us and they offered to let me live with them for as long as I'd like when they go back. Honestly, I'm rather in shock. [space of a couple days where I forgot to continue this] Living in London would be literally a dream come true. For as long as I can remember I've wanted to go to London and that desire has only increased in the past couple years. For a couple months some friends and I have been talking about making a trip over there next year, but this would be something completely different. Rather that a vacation experience, this would be a chance to experience the day-to-day life of London. Of England. It may not sound glamorous... but just the idea of it makes me want to smile and dance.

But it's not as simple as just deciding to take them up on their offer and go. There's a lot to consider. For one thing, it's expensive to fly to London. I don't currently have a job, and even if I did it would take time to save up enough to afford to both get there and to support myself while there. Because that's something else, I wouldn't be able to get a job there--even short term--without a visa. And those things are expensive. I also have to consider schooling. I would LOVE to go to university in London. But it's hard for Americans to get into English schools. And since the schooling style is entirely different, I'd probably have to either start right over from the beginning, or wait until I had a BA and then go for extra schooling. Which would mean waiting about four years. Ugh, not really want I had in mind. Basically, though, it's the visa aspects that make it most complicated. I can't stay more than six months without a visa which means I would have to get one just to attend a year of school. I can't get a job in the U.K. without a visa, so I'd have virtually no income unless I had a job here in the States that allowed me to work long distance. And then there's the fact that while my mom's friend offered to let me stay with them, I wouldn't want to impose for too long. And at the moment I'm thinking about this as kind of a long term thing.

I dunno. I'm kind of babbling, I suppose. To sum it up in case you only skimmed the above paragraph, I have the chance to move to London for a while in a year or two, but I'm not sure if it even has a likelihood of working out because of various factors.

In other news... in the past two days since I started this post I've been doing a LOT of sewing and other preparations for the Anime Convention I'm attending this weekend. I'm really excited about it since this will be my first "real con experience." I just hope I can get everything done in the two days I have left! I also registered for two of my college classes this morning. So yeah, I am officially a college freshman. It's kind of weird to think about. But yet... it makes more sense than being a high school student. I'm so different from the person I was even just when I graduated this past spring that it fits that I'm entering a new phase of life.

Anyway, I lost the thread and purpose of this post somewhere in the past two days, so I'm just going to end it now and get it out regardless.

Thanks to anyone who actually read this. I wish I could promise you another post soon... but it probably won't happen. *oops*

Love you all!

Thinking

2010-06-21T00:38:00.002-04:00

I haven't quite put words to all of my thoughts, but I wanted to go ahead and get this started since I won't write anything otherwise. Of course I probably won't anyway.

Technically I'm probably thinking too much. My head is kind of spinning. Especially considering how little sleep I've been getting.

This weekend was good. Really good. God showed me some things I've been really needing to see and broke through some of the lies I've been believing. However, that doesn't mean that all my problems and all my doubts go away. Unfortunately.

Tonight I was reading through a bunch of old writings, particularly poetry, done by me and some old friends. It's gotten me thinking a lot about a lot of things. First of all, I feel regret. Many of the friendships I had when those poems were written have faded away and I find while reading their words that I miss them. It saddens me to know that things can never be the same as they were. But at the same time I'm so glad I never have to return to that place. I look back at times in my life and I can see the broken child I was. The tears I cried and the lies I believed. I walked a dark path in my life and it's a path thats been a struggle to leave. To be honest, I have to admit to the words from Superchick's song Courage:

"I need you to know

I'm not through the night

Some days I'm still fighting

To walk towards the light."

But I have changed. Almost everything has changed since then.

This weekend I found myself in a place I've been struggling to find for a long time and for a few minutes it seemed like everything would be better, but only later that night I found myself once more walking along that dark road and it took far longer to shake off that darkness than it did to lose the glimmer of light. I found the same thing today. Earlier I was laughing and goofing off. I read one of my very first poems to Raen and couldn't stop giggling. However, after reading through all of the other things I did I find that my mood has gone from light and giggly to contemplative. Even melancholy.

There's so much on my mind lately. People have entered my life lately that have changed the way I view things. Events have caused me to rethink things I thought I knew. A future I thought I had planned is now as vague as ever. Even Atlanta Fest this weekend has filled parts of my mind with mixed and confused thoughts.

I feel as if the more I dwell on this the lower my mind sinks into the darker aspects, though, so I'm going to stop this direction for now.

Unfortunately, the only other thing I seem to be able to dwell on at the moment is the fact that Raen leaves tomorrow. I know I got to be around her for nine days, but we were so busy that it feels like far less than that. I feel as if there was so much left undone. I'm going to miss her a lot. She's like the big sister I've always wished I had and it's going to be tough for a while not getting to talk to her or goof off with her every day. I'll be seeing her again in less than two months, though, and that does keep me from being utterly depressed.

I hate goodbyes. Especially when I don't know when the next hello will be or when I'll be able to hug them or talk to them face to face again. Hugs are especially important to me and it's hard to live so far away from so many of the people I care a lot about because I get to hug them so rarely and, for many of them, I don't even know when my next chance will come.

Moot is what I'm holding to now. So many of my dear friends will be there and, if it's anything at all like last year, spending a week with them will be incredible. However, August feels very far away at the moment.

But I think I'm done blogging. No one really cares anyway. God bless everyone who reads this. I love you all.

I just don't understand.

2010-06-04T02:35:00.003-04:00

I'm so confused about everything right now. I feel as if my life is crumbling down around me. The past few nights I've pretty much cried myself to sleep. My mind is so mixed up and dizzy and my heart aches all the time. I have so many questions and no answers. I wonder how much longer I can handle this...

Camping

2010-03-19T13:28:00.001-04:00

Senior Camping Trip. It was the middle word that made me balk.

Now, I'm not one of those girls that spends an hour getting dressed each morning, but I am the kind of girl that wears high heels whenever a situation presents itself (and sometimes even when it doesn't) and to whom walking down to the mailbox is enough recreational outdoor time for a week. Camping isn't really my thing. However, tied into the camping trip was the Great Race--a Senior class event that is so top secret that it's automatically intriguing. So, somehow, I found myself signed up for the camping trip and Thursday afternoon I was getting stuff together to bring with me.

At the meeting about the camp out, the event organizers warned us that we would probably get cold, wet, and dirty. THey told us to bring clothes suitable for such. That was where I ran into my first road block. I have exactly five casual T-shirts. Out of those five, only two of them are ones I don't mind getting dirty. It took me well over an hour to scrounge up another shirt I could bring, and I still had to bring one of my nicer shirts as my spare. Then came the problem of jeans. I ended up borrowing a couple pairs from my mom because none of mine were going to really work.

By the time I left the next morning, I had six bags and items. How I got that many, I don't know. Obviously neither my mom nor I know how to pack. I had two stuffed personal bags, a sleeping bag, a bag with my pillow and two extra blankets, a camp chair, and a cot. It looked like I was going on a week long vacation instead of just a weekend camping trip.

Now, I also have to point out that I love rain. It's just so soothing, peaceful, and beautiful. However, I prefer to love rain from inside. Hence, it was with some trepidation that I saw it was raining when we left for the church where we were meeting. As if in answer to prayer, though, it cleared up soon after we got there.

The group of us racers were supposed to leave around one that afternoon, but I believe it was after two before we actually pulled out of the parking lot. By the time we got to the first stop on the race, it was beginning to rain again.

I can't go into much detail about the race itself because of it's Top Secret nature, but suffice to say that thanks to the rain I got the wettest and coldest I'd been in a long time. If my teammates hadn't been so awesome, I probably would have been miserable. However, I somehow managed to have fun.

But the camping part had not yet begun. When we reached the campsite, it was still raining and, though it let up briefly a few times, it continued to rain for the rest of the night. The area around the galley and the main fire-pit was like a swamp. One of the senior's shoes sunk all the way into the mud. Around that point I began remembering why I don't go camping.

That night, though, all of us girls crashed in the same tent and despite the fact that anything said in a tent can be heard by everyone and we kept getting told to be quite, we put our heads together and talked and giggled for over an hour. It was like being back in middle school, but it was fun.

The next morning, it was still raining. The combination of cold and wet was terrible. Thanks to the Lord, though, the rain cleared up just before the second half of the race began.

In the end, my team came in third--not to shabby for always being one of the last to arrive at each destination. I found, though, that I didn't really care what place we came it. It was just a lot of fun to have participated.

The rest of that day--Saturday--was devoted to hanging out. We went to a pool that afternoon and swam for a couple hours, then played put-put golf in yet another burst of rain. It was fun. After we got back to the campground, we ate tacos provided by our wonderful cooks and then played games in the pavilion before gathering around the campfire and sending more peeps to their fiery deaths.

The next morning was freezing cold. None of us girls wanted to get up. In the end it was only the threat of the boys collapsing the tent on top of us that really got us moving. Shivering like crazy, we all got dressed and packed up our stuff, then lugged it all up to the pavilion where a breakfast of doughnuts, pastries, hot coco, and coffee awaited us.

Some of us had the starbucks drinks that were there and I choose to blame those on what we all did for the rest of the morning. As the guys worked hard on breaking down the campsite, we girls formed the Senior Squad and performed cheers for them to keep them motivated.

After all that, we headed home, stopping only for lunch at a pizza place.

As soon as I got home I took a shower and crashed, too exhausted to even say a proper hello to my family.

Even now, two days later, I'm still exhausted from the trip, but it was worth it. As I said in the first paragraph, I'm not a camping person. If given the choice between a tent and a hotel, there's no hesitation in choosing the latter. But the Senior camp out was something more than just a camping trip. I'm not really sure if I can even put words to it, but it was definitely something I'm glad I went to. I might have been constantly cold, nearly always damp, and pretty much exhausted, but I had fun, and that was something I wasn't expecting to happen.

I have a few more thought about the camping trip that I want to write about, but they'll have to wait until later. For now I leave you with, no galu govad gen. May blessings go with you.

Initial Thoughts of a New Age

2010-02-22T01:58:00.002-05:00

It's late and I'm tired, but I wanted to just dive briefly into my initial thought on being 18. I excuse any lack of clarity on the hour, which just struck two.

Officially I'm not 18 four another four hours, but on principle, it's my birthday, so I'm eighteen. It's a weird thought. Legally I'm an adult, but I feel no different than I did three hours ago. However, I feel far different than I did at this point last year.

I've changed so mauch in the past 365 days. I'd like to think that I've grown. I believe I'm grown as a person, as a friend, as a daughter, as a sister, and as a Christian. The last most of all. I've certainly matured in the last year. I don't even like to think on how much of a selfish, grasping child I was only a year ago. In fact, a year ago is probably the time in my life that I hate myself the most for.

But the thing that surprises me is that I've changed. I've changed a lot. I've grown past that and I've grown up. Perhaps it seems absurd to be an adult, but being a year older feels absurd only because I feel as if I have aged much more than that. Oh yes, I still have a long way to go, but the work God has done in my life this last year, and really only since this summer, far surpasses anything He's done before.

A few days ago I was dwelling on my approaching birthday and my mind started to drift over all the things that I've lost over the past year and all the things that have changed for the worst. I have a habit of dreading birthdays. They've always seemed a time for nothing more than reflecting upon a broken past. However, a dear friend shared with me something she had written upon her own 18th birthday, that made me stop and think. I'm going to share a small portion of it here, because they're worthy to be said again.

---

One of my heroes and role models, Jamie Tworkowski, said the following about birthdays on the TWLOHA blog:

“At the heart of it is the opportunity to tell someone "I'm glad that you were born", which is also to say "I'm glad that you're alive." Those are powerful statements. The world would be a different better place if we lived that way, if we said and showed those things, more than once a year.”

Those words are what made me look at my birthday this year in a different light. Not as a day to mark everything I've lost in the last year, as it had been before, but a way of allowing myself to be reminded that just the fact that I'm alive has meaning.

---

The fact that I'm alive. Not that long ago, that wouldn't have been something I would revel in. Life was something I didn't want to face. However, the other week I paused in the middle of doing something and realized that I was happy. Genuinely happy for no reason other than the fact that I was alive and blessed. I had a God who loved me and took care of me, and I had wonderful, amazing friends. I was glad to be alive.

As I'm sitting here, I have so many things I want to say. In fact, cut out a large chunk of text to save for another day because it was going so far off topic and my poor, tired mind couldn't follow it. I think the reason I don't blog that often is because it's so overwhelming. There's always so much I want to mention, and I can only focus and type for so long.

Eighteen. My mind still can't wrap around it. Even though I know I've grown so much over the last year, I still feel so young. I wonder if everyone feels this way on entering adulthood.

In someways I'm sad to leave this year behind. As a seventeen-year-old, I had some of the best experiences of my life. I made friends that I will treasure forever, I learned lessons that I needed to learn, I got to go to Moot and visit with friends and travel the country. It was my last year of childhood, and I wish more of them could have gone as well as it did. True, I have no desire to relive the beginning, but the second half more than made up for it, and I can see now how God used it, even if I wish He could have chosen an easier path. Still, I wonder if this new year--a new age with a new path of adventures--will measure up.

This fall I will begin college. I'll be getting my license soon. I'll be needing to get my first job. The idea of entering the world of adults frightens me a bit. I look forward to growing up and discovering what God has in store for me, but a part of me still longs to remain where I am--safe, sheltered, and provided for.

But there are other things to look forward to and hope for in the coming year. In June a dear friend will be coming to visit. Over the summer I may get to see Lu and San again. And in August there's Moot. Though the last still requires much prayer and effort on my part.

In the end, this post rather fell apart from what I had intended it to be, but nonetheless, it's a glimpse into my musings in the first few hours of adulthood.

Despite my fears and concerns for the coming year and my regrets for this year past, I have learned one thing clearly in the last few months of my childhood.

No matter how dark things may seem, the stars are always there. God has blessed me greatly and He loves me no matter what. He will provide. All I need to do is trust.

And now I enter a new age, a new year, a new stage of life and I take a step of faith in posting this--faith that somehow God will make my meaning clear. To me as well.

Now off to bed I go. Perhaps in the morning the idea of being an adult will have sunk in some. Or perhaps not.

At least, no matter what the future may hold, I can look back on this past year, smile, and say, "Yes, seventeen was a good age to be." But now, future, here I come. Just as soon as I wake up...

Brief update...

2010-01-15T01:15:00.002-05:00

So, I decided to attempt Project 365. If anyone who reads this is interested in seeing some of my pictures, you can see the blog here.

Other than that, my biggest news is that I think I finally have an idea of what I want to go to school for and what college I want to try to attend. Both aspects will require a lot of work, but... I think maybe I'm finally ready.

Things have been changing for me--in my head and the way I work--in the past couple months. I'm not yet sure what these changes mean or what to expect as time progresses, but for now, I finally feel somewhat prepared to deal with the future and life in general. I guess that's probably a good thing.

Anyway, there's still a lot to work through in my head, so I refuse to ramble at the moment (especially since it's almost 1:30 am), but at some point maybe I'll make an actual post about everything.

Until then--or at least next time--may God bless you.
Take care, my friends!
Blire Daeriel

Farewell ' 09

2009-12-31T20:26:00.008-05:00

Inspired by Raen and a few others, I've decided to make a list of a few of my top nine of '09.

The 9 Best [Or Most Memorable] Events of 2009:

1. CleanPlace Moot and after-moot mini-moot in August.

2. Skillet concert in September (Particularly getting noticed by John during "It's Not Me, It's You." That memory never fails to brighten my mood) and the fun afterward.

3. Staying with Lu in WA in July

4. Singing with Raen and Younger Fern at Moot. (I know that could fit under "Moot," but it's more special than just that.)

5. Phone calls with Linny. I know it's not any one event, but it counts for me.

6. Getting my puppy, Lucy, in November.

7. CP Mini-Moot Christmas Party

8. Joining CleanPlace in March

9. Skit practice at the Moot Lock-In.

9 Favorite Movies I saw in 2009:

1. Born of Hope

2. The Illusionist

3. The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

4. Serenity

5. Up

6. Merlin's Apprentice

7. Return of the King

8. 10 Things I Hate About You

9. The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe

The 9 Best Places I Visited in 2009:

1. Bear Trap Ranch, CO

2. WA and the Pacific Coast

3. Renaissance Festival

4. The top of the cliff behind the lodge at BTR.

5. Chipotle in CO.

6. Lu's house and her yard swing.

7. CleanPlace (It's a place, look at the name.)

8. Kate's house

9. Stone Mountain concert field

9 Awesome People I Met for the First Time in 2009: (In order of meeting them as far as I recall)

1. Kate

2. Lu

3. San

4. Linny

5. Raen

6. Flynn

7. Celeris

8. Lady Fern (Both parts of "her." It's not cheating. :6:)

9. Legolas

9 Favorite Songs in 2009:

1. Lion by Rebecca St. James

2. The Last Night by Skillet

3. Forgiven by Skillet

4. Whispers in the Dark by Skillet

5. Imperfections by Skillet

6. Antidote by B. Reith

7. Sorrow by Flyleaf

8. White Horse by Taylor Swift

9. Fully Alive by Raen and me

9 Good Books I Read in 2009:

1. The Truth About Forever--Sarah Dessen

2. Along for the Ride--Sarah Dessen

3.City of Bones--Cassandra Clare

4.Yours to Command--Fan-fiction author

5. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban--J. K. Rowling

6. Montmorency--Eleanor Updale

7. Snow Queen--Mercedes Lackey

8. Sandry's Book--Tamora Peirce

9.Song of Erin--B. J. Hoff

9 Miscellaneous Things I Learned in 2009:

1. Asking for prayer doesn't make you weak.

2. Guys are honestly not worth the stress when you're still too young to marry.

3. Sometimes a brief message from a busy friend saying that they love you can make all the difference.

4. Sometimes it's better to just shut up and listen and keep your advice to yourself.

5. However, if you have something that you feel needs to be said, waiting for a "good moment" only makes things worse.

6. Things get handled a lot better if you don't loose your temper.

7. Even when things seem the darkest, the stars are always there.

8. Allowing yourself to be yourself is okay. So is enjoying doing so.

9. I am loved by God and by friends.

10 Things To Do in 2010:

1. Go to Moot 2010

2. Go to MoMoCon

3. Go to AtlantaFest

4. Learn some ballet

5. Take vocal lessons

6. Learn to play guitar better

7. Learn to play guitar better

8. Finish a story/novel/series

9. Learn to communicate better with others

10. Get ready for college

Flyleaf and a Mirror

2009-11-25T19:45:00.004-05:00

So... I'm really bad about making posts I said I'd make. But oh well.

I'm listening to Flyleaf's newest CD online for the first time. I've usually avoided Flyleaf because it often has a bad effect on me, but I'd heard so much good about this album that after talking to Linny today, I decided to try it. I love it. There was maybe one song that effected me a bit, but I was vacuuming at the time and stressed with my mom, so it might have been the result of anything, really. Anyway, the CD is so going on my Christmas list. We'll see if I get it. My mom still doesn't fully appreciate Flyleaf. I can't understand why. I mean, it's not like my sister and I introduced her to them with a clip of I'm So Sick. *oops*

My sister is reading over my shoulder. I'm teasing her, telling her she's not allowed to read this. Well, technically, it ISN'T for her to read, but I don't really mind her "eavesdropping"at the moment. But she just walked away anyway.

I really should go and move furniture... We're getting a new entertainment center today and I need to make room. But this chair is comfortable, the music is immersing, and the net addictive.

Anyway, I guess I'll get to the point of this post since I don't have time to really ramble.

The past... oh, week, I guess, has been a struggle for me. I haven't been dancing as much as I usually do, and on top of that, I finally have an appetite of sorts again. As a result, I've gained a bit of weight. Not a lot, I suppose (I still fit into my size three jeans), but enough that I feel disgustingly fat. Ever since my nearly a year-long struggle with borderline anorexia summer of '07-'08, my weight and figure have been something I constantly find myself dwelling on. This past week has been a battle to not do something drastic. There have been a few times where I've considered just locking myself up in my room again like I used to and skipping food entirely. However, my development of hypoglycemia makes that an unwise and potentially dangerous move. Therefore, I've been pushing myself to eat, and end up eating more than I normally would. This makes me hate myself even more and it becomes just an endless cycle...

I'm just so tired of letting the appearance of my body determine so much about the way I live... but it's not as easy a thing to change as it should be. I've been stuck in this mindset for so many years. And with my mom always getting on my back about needing to exercise more and eat more healthily, the pressure I put on myself is only multiplied... Last summer I got so many comments about how thin I looked. This school year I start back and one of the first things my teacher says to me is that she's glad I've filled out some. *sighs* It's hard. I feel ugly in so many other ways--my skin is less than smooth, my hair isn't as full or as smooth or as lovely colored as the next girl, I wear glasses, my teeth aren't perfectly white... Being "thin," flexible, having a dancer's body of sorts was the one thing about my looks that I could actually control. And now I feel like it's all crumbling down. I'm feeling just as ugly and worthless as I did for so long in '07 and '08.

I keep thinking of Barlow Girl's song Mirror. "Mirror ... Who are you to tell me that I'm less than what I should be? Who are you? Who are you? I don't need to listen to the list of things I should be, I won't try. I won't try." I've known the song for years and like it a lot... but even in the best of times I've never been able to sing it as if I fully mean it. I do let the mirror tell me whether I'm good enough or not. I've heard all of the messages about God making us how we are and about us all being beautiful in His sight, but I find myself always struggling to believe that it can be true. And even when I can convince myself of that, I find it hard--if not impossible--to value his opinion more than others. I have such a want and desire for acceptance by others. Their opinions matter so much to me at times. I want their good opinion. I want to be beautiful in THEIR sight. And so rarely do I feel so...

It's funny. I can look at a girl, any girl really, that our culture would deem plain or ugly... and I can always find at least two or three things about her that makes her better than me. And when I look in the mirror, all I can see is how much I'm not like her. I see beauty in others so easily, but my mirror is my harshest judge and I can see little of worth in it's reflection...

I guess if anyone sees this and doesn't come out of it thinking "That vain, annoying brat," I'd appreciate any prayer they're willing to offer. Prayer that I can get past this hate-filled outlook on myself. And that my focus can turn to getting my body healthy rather than just thin...

I don't really know if all of this is making sense. I'm just feeling overwhelmed and lost and wanted to get this out somewhere...

Sorry for the drearier turn of this post. I hope I haven't turned any of my (few) readers off of my blog completely.

God bless all of you. Thanks for taking the time to read this.
Namarië.

Well...

2009-09-12T12:50:00.003-04:00

12:50 PM.

It's been a long time since I've updated this and I have a lot to say that I know I won't get to right now, but I'll try to say at least a little of it. The house is quiet, Skillet is playing, and I have words that should be said.

This summer has been... something unlike any other. It's had highs I couldn't imagine, and even though there have been drastic lows, I don't think there's been anything to equal the worst. I guess maybe this summer has been the best I can remember. Certain parts have been, for sure.

The early part was hard. My best friend went to live in CO as a live in helper for a friend up there and I hardly got any chance to speak with her. I still haven't really. However, this situation did give me the chance to get to know another dear friend much better and I also found myself beginning to come out of my shell a little and talking with some people that I otherwise might not have.

Then in July I was given the opportunity to go up to WA for a week to stay with a DioM friend. I took the chance for a few reasons: I got to spend time with a good friend and meet a few others I might never have otherwise, I got to experience visiting the other side of the country, and I got away from home for a while. I have to admit that things were so stressful at the time the chance came up that the last might have been my biggest reason initially, but it turned out to be a wonderful thing. I got to really bond with my friend and she's now like a little sister to me. In addition, that was the first trip that I managed to really retain my friendship with the person through, and it was a blessing. Even if some things went badly, I'm glad I went.

6:24 PM.

It's many hours later as I got interrupted, but I'm really wanting to blog right now. I have other things I should be doing, but I need to get some thoughts out.

Anyway. The trip to WA was a good set up for a trip I went on only a couple weeks later--CleanPlace Moot 2009.

For a while I was worried that I wouldn't be able to make Moot. Finances were tight with my family, I couldn't find a job, and other similar things. When I found out that the last person I would really have considered a close friend had the time was being forced to give up on making to the conference, I pretty much decided to give up. It was a really hard decision. In the beginning I had only wanted to go in order to see Liss and then Linny when she decided to try to go, but somewhere along the way I found myself really wanting to go just for the sake of going, not just because of who was going. Having to give up on that hope then was really hard. I was really devastated and ended up crying in front of my parents when it was mentioned for only the second time in years. A couple days later my dad told me that he had gotten an outside job that would be paying well and that he would help me with the money towards Moot.

However, I am being called away once again and I believe I shall make a separate post later about Moot. I want very much to.

But for now, farewell. I must go work on my room so that an in-depth make over of my room can be begun. So off I go into the world of cleaning. I wonder what books on tape I have on hand...

No galu govad gen, mellyn nin.

Quick post...

2009-06-07T10:33:00.002-04:00

I have to run out to church in a minute, but Matt and I have challenged ourselves to get to the point when we can do (me) 200 and (him) 400 sit-ups a night by next Ren Faire... so we'rte going to keep our "daily" track record here. So.

Day One: 20

I know, lame, but they really are hard to do properly and all at once!

I'll post more about the Ren Faire later... but for now I'll leave y'all with:

I GOT A DAGGER!!!!!!

New Book by Bryan Davis!

2009-05-27T16:59:00.002-04:00

The Echoes from the Edge series by best-selling author Bryan Davis is an exciting, action-packed adventure/fantasy that's great for anyone 13 and up. If you like mystery and suspense, you'll love this book.In celebration of the latest release in the series, the author is selling autographed copies of the first book, Beyond the Reflection's Edge, for only $5 plus shipping. Here is a link for that deal: http://www.daviscrossing.com/BTRE.htm. Here is the series website: http://www.echoesfromtheedge.com. You can also get it at any online bookstore.

To see a trailer about the series and the latest book in particular, watch here!

Skillet's new songs!

2009-05-25T18:26:00.004-04:00

Though I haven't known about Skillet for a full year, I became a fan fast. I know every song from their newest two CDs and love all of them. And now they have two new songs out! Woot! I already have Monster memorized, and the radio station I just started listening to online plays Hero!!! YES! It just finished playing and I had to share my excitement. *grins*

I've begun working on Salt&Light again too. I think I'm going to need to make sure we get an article about Skillet's new songs/CD(coming out in August) in there. It's way too good to pass up. I wonder if any CPers will be interested in helping out with the magazine... I want to try to get the first issue out by the end of Summer, but I need more recruits first. Out of the 35 we had last time, we're down to less than a dozen. But I only started it up again the other day.

In case any of you are interested, I have a temporary site that I've been playing around with here. Look out, music starts on the home page and it can be a little loud. I think the song suits our mission though.

Anyway, taking off now. Thanks for reading my ramblings once again.

God bless, my friends.

TTFN, ART.

School's out!

2009-05-16T19:05:00.002-04:00

Yup, Summer break has arrived. So long it's been... a time of recuperation, I guess. A lot of sleeping. I got to talk to a couple friends for a while today, though. Now I'm sitting here in my summer cloak, hood up over my headphones, listening to music and chatting with Liss.

I honestly have like nothing to say. I've been reading a bit. Here's my list of book I've read this week.

Princess Ben
Pretties
Mindwarp 5: Shapeshifter
Mindwarp 6: (can't remember)

Still need to finish Inkheart. I think I'm going to finish it in book form rather than CD. I just haven't really been listening to the CD in a while.

I also want to finish the old P&P this week. I got through the first part on Youtube the other day, but it's hard to find a time where me, Mindless, and my mom can all sit down to watch it undisturbed.

Oh well. I'm going to end this. I have nothing to say. :P

God Bless.

TTFN, ART!

No Pain, No Gain

2009-05-08T22:23:00.003-04:00

10:23 pm.

So, this title could easily indicate a deep, meaningful post... but it doesn't. All it means is that my back is absolutely killing me, but I got a good bit done on my dress. I have almost the entire top part done. The right sleeve just needs to be attached. True, I should have been working on my Squab... but I was in the mood to sew. I was listening to Inkheart on CD too and it had me really caught up in the story.

Today's been long, but not as long as some recent days. I'm so glad school is almost over, though-

Oh shoot, I forgot I needed to write journal entries today. Meh. Now I have to do a bunch before bed.

Anyway, I'm glad school is almost over. It's been a difficult year. I just hope I have some time to breathe this summer. I'm planning on having Ema come down in July and I need to finish up Chemistry and Math as well as try to save up enough money for Moot in August... Plus I want to try to get some private lessons for dance and then maybe compete in the regional championship in December (in Texas) so I can have a better chance of meeting Linny. So, yeah. A lot to do.

I plan on catching up on sleep before starting on any of that, though.

And maybe remembering how to live properly.

I refound a fan-fic I adore today, Yours To Command. It's an LotR one about Éomer and Lothíriel. So pretty. :D

Um... wow... Talking with Ema on chat... She worries me sometimes. O_o

*tries to pop spine into place* I wish I could pop my own back like some people can. Or better yet, that Liss was here to do it for me. Maybe I will have to go to the chiropractor soon...

Well, I have little else to say. So I won't try to say anything.

God Bless, my friends.

TTFN, ART.

Again...

2009-05-06T02:43:00.002-04:00

So alone... so lonely... so tired...

Why can't I do anything right?

I just hurt everyone, don't I? I shouldn't be allowed around others...

I just mess up again and again and again...

Grrrr!

2009-05-04T18:03:00.002-04:00

6:03 pm.

I think my computer may have just lost the assignment I've been spending all day working on... It's due tomorrow and if it's lost I'm going to cry. I swear.

I'm listening to Tuck Everlasting music to try to relax. This one the most.

It's so beautiful... I want to watch the movie now, though...

I really really hope my stupid movie maker program unfreezes. I do NOT want to have to do the assignment over again!

Dunno

2009-05-04T13:57:00.002-04:00

1:57 pm.

I don't know what to do about a lot of stuff... I talked to a friend last night and came away with a lot more questions and no answers. I lay in bed thinking about it for a long time last night and the only answer I could piece together is one I don't want to face. I just wish I could shut down the world for a while.

I had an interesting dream last night, but it's fading. All I remember now is that it was VERY loosely inspired by Bloodhound. Which was a good book, by the way.

Now I must get back to my 25 page report and stop procrastinating.

God Bless.

Sorrow lasts through this night...

2009-05-02T16:45:00.005-04:00

4:45

Right now I'm not sure if this song is hopeful or not... It makes me feel better, though. Life has been difficult the past few days and I'm getting tired...

"Sorrow"
by Flyleaf

Sometimes life seems to quiet
Into paralyzing silence
Like the moonless dark
Meant to make me strong

Familiar breath of my old lies
Changed the color in my eyes
Soon he will perforate the fabric of the peaceful by and by

Sorrow lasts through this night
I'll take this piece of you
And hope for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole
As you flew right through me

Left alone with only reflections of the memory
To face the ugly girl that's smothering me
Sitting closer than my pain
He knew each tear before it came
Soon He will perforate the fabric of the peaceful by and by

Sorrow last through this night
I'll take this piece of You
And hope for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole
As You flew right through me

And we kiss each other one more time
And sing this lie that's halfway mine
The sword is slicing through the question
So I won't be fooled by his angel light

Sorrow lasts through this night
I'll take this piece of you
And hope for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole
As you flew right through me
And up into the stars

Joy will come

Lonely/Grateful?

2009-05-01T21:30:00.004-04:00

9:31 pm.

I've been able to talk to Liss (online) for a total of an hour and a half over the past three days. And she's on a retreat until Sunday afternoon... So no contact until then. It's been hard... I'm used to being in frequent contact with her. And now it's kind of like withdrawl. I'm basically just numb and passive... Trying not to let the loneliness crush me. I have little interest in anything right now... but it should pass in a few days.

A fresh storm just rolled in. I should open the window to smell it... But my dad and brothers are getting home now.

The only real good news (for me) about this weekend is that my mom's at a retreat as well and I don't have to deal with her this weekend on top of everything else.

I'm reading a lot. That's about the only way I can keep from drowning in all of this. It's got me pretty fully disconnected, though.

Anyway, I'm going to end this and heat up the greenbeans for my family's dinner. I wonder if we're going to watch a movie tonight...

Later, y'all.

TTFN, ART.

Song of my life

2009-04-29T02:35:00.004-04:00

This song pretty much describes my life...

"Much Like Falling"
Flyleaf

When I said good morning
I was lying
I was truly thinking of
How I might quit waking up

She pointed out how selfish
It would be kill myself
So I keep waking up

It feels so much like falling
Dying while I wait to die
The fear of something or nothing
Lonely empty lie

I don't want to be a liar
I don't want to be selfish anymore
I want so much to change
Learning your love everyday
There's still so much to know

You grip my wrists
I let go

It feels so much like falling
Separated from the fear
Aware of a destination far away from here

It feels so much like falling
Separated from the fear
Aware of a destination far away from here
Far away from here

Several other songs do as well. Maybe I'll find them later, but right now I'm too tired...

Oops I did it again...

2009-04-27T19:19:00.000-04:00

I screwed up.

Badly.

Why do I always do this?

"Children's Play"

2009-04-19T13:38:00.000-04:00

Prompt 18: Write a poem with an interaction of some sort.

Written: April 19

"Children's Play"

She sits quietly, enjoying her solitude
as she plays with her doll.
No interest is shown to the other children
who bustle around with
their voices raised in play.
She rocks her baby gently,
tender care bestowed upon the worn
plastic. Sweet melodies are whispered
into the doll's ear and it is clear
that the two are in a world of their own.

The girl is oblivious to the timid approach
of another child, a little boy, aware
that he is intruding on something
he was not invited to join.
He sits on the floor a few feet away
and watches silently. The girl is still locked
inside her imagination. Scooting carefully,
the boy edges closer until he is beside
the other child and can hear
her whispered song. He waits until
the melody is finished before he asks,
"Can I be the daddy?"

The little girl opens her eyes quickly and stares
at the little intruder beside her.
She examines him, a solemnness in her eyes.
Finally she asks, "Do you yell?"
The boy shakes his head earnestly.
"Do you hit people?" the girl asks again.
The boy shakes his head once more.
The girl studies him for a long moment,
then carefully hands over the little
doll. "Yes," she tells him. "you can be the daddy."

"Origin of Mistrust"

2009-04-19T13:37:00.002-04:00

Prompt 1: Write an origin poem. It can be the origin of a word, person, plant, idea, etc. Have fun with it.

Written: April 17

"Origin of Mistrust"

She sits in her crib and listens
as he bellows and she screams
and their voices bring tears to
her tiny eyes, but she doesn't make
a sound.

She hides behind the couch and listens
as he rages and she cries out in pain
and the thud of her body brings tears to
her little eyes, but she doesn't make
a sound.

She huddles under the table and listens
as he throws the bottle across the room
and the shattering glass brings fear to
her young eyes, but she doesn't make
a sound.

She cowers against the wall and listens
as he screams that she's worthless
and the hateful words bring pain to
her too old eyes, but she doesn't make
a sound.

She lies broken on the floor and listens
as he stumbles off to find another beer
and blood on her face brings distance to
her guarded eyes, but she doesn't make
a sound.

"Black Panther"

2009-04-19T13:37:00.001-04:00

Prompt 4: Pick an animal; make that animal the title of your poem; then, write a poem.

Written: April 17

"Black Panther"

Dark and slender like water
given form. Black water that speaks
of poison that can kill
in a heartbeat. He crawls through
my dreams and I know from his eyes
that there is no escape and I can never
outrun his shadowy form.
Sharp claws glint in
the moonlight and I feel a
shiver up my spine. Darkness is
his protection and there is none
for me.

"All I Want Is A Breath"

2009-04-19T13:36:00.000-04:00

Prompt: Write a poem with the following title: "All I want is (blank)," where you fill in the blank with a word or phrase of your choosing.

April 17

"All I Want Is A Breath"

Gasping, twisting,
turning, squirming,
burning lungs constrict,
trying to inhale
in this crushing darkness
of the water.
Light fading out
far above my
head and I
know that my
hope is futile and
in moments I
will drown.
A prayer through
my lips, exhaled
on my final
breath.
And then I am
saved.

"Green"

2009-04-19T13:35:00.000-04:00

Prompt: Pick a color, make that the title of your poem, and write a poem that is inspired by that color.

April 16

"Green"

Swelling and dancing out under
the open sky, the ocean
reflects the light
in rainbows.

Playing with the strands of my
hair, the gentle wind
caresses my soul
and soothes me.

Sweet melodies flowing from the
silver length, the flute
reminds me of what
it's like to rest.

Laying on my back in the grass and
watching the branches sway
above my head, which swims
with memories

of freedom.

Happy 19th of April! :P

2009-04-19T13:28:00.003-04:00

1:28 pm.

I'm afraid I've found myself rather behind in posting the poems I've been writing. I'm going to work on remedying that this afternoon.

I wore my cape to church today. I got a lot fewer odd looks than when I wear my full length cloak. I think that's a good thing. I'm glad I brought it. I was a lot cooler than I had anticipated.

A guest pastor did the service today. He's one we've had before and I like him. He and his wife are hoping to go to Scotland for mission work this summer! I'm a touch envious, but I wish them luck.

I need to work on editing Jack's Tale, so I'm going to take off, post a couple poems and get to work on that.

No galu govad gen, mellyn nîn!

TTFN, ART.

Irony is my life.

2009-04-18T23:04:00.003-04:00

11:04 pm.

So... We went out today for hours to look for a dress for me to wear to my co-op's formal. We spent from about five hours out looking. The irony?

The only dress that worked was one we found at the first store. It was frustrating.

We have to go back on Monday to pick it up and I'm not exactly thrilled about that. I'm going to have to find shoes that go with it too. Hopefully, that goes faster.

Good news, I finished my cape today. Unfortunately, I lost my camera so I can't get pictures of it yet. I'll try to get some soon, though. It's not perfect, but it came out alright. It should work with my dress, I guess. Although the machine stitching is obvious. Not that I was going to hand stitch it. *rolls eyes*

I'm feeling rather lonely today... Since Liss is leaving on the 29th, this weekend would have been my last chance to see her for any length of time... it didn't happen. I've been trying not to cry when thinking about it...

My keyboard cut out in the middle of the above sentence and my mood has been worsened. I'm going to end this here.

No galu govad gen.

TTFN, ART.

(11:29 pm)

Boredom does exist.

2009-04-17T19:42:00.002-04:00

7:42 pm.

Finally I'm writing before a quarter to midnight! Not that I have much more to say. But this post will probably end up being pretty long anyway.

I've been working on my Ren. dress some today. It's coming along slowly. I'm nearly finished with my sister's dress, though. I just need to check the hem length. I'm about... a fourth of the way done with my cape as well. I might try to finish both of those up tonight. I think I may have time. Unless we do a family movie. I'd actually like to do that... For one. Miracle, eh?

I wrote several poems this afternoon. Mostly going back and doing some of the older Poem-A-Day prompts. They came out alright, though most of them are a tad dark. Not horrid, though.

Speaking of dark, I should probably post some of my short stories here eventually. I can't really put them anywhere else, but, so long as no one who reads this minds dark writing, I should be alright putting them here. I wonder where the one I wrote at Ryn's party went...

Maybe I'll also post The Little Children... I should dig that up again and do some work on it. I scared my teacher when she read it. She wondered if I had actually suffered child abuse. :P Not quite. I still like the story, though I didn't do it justice. Maybe I'd be able to fix it now that I've learned so much from CleanPlace.

And on the note of CP... I made a mistake today. >_< The rule is to only post two poems a day, and I new it, but I forgot and accidentally posted three. *headdesks* Nia was really nice, though. She just reminded me and told me to only post one tomorrow. It's still a bit embarrassing, though...

I'm getting really hungry... I think I'm going to stop blogging as I'm typing a whole lot to say nothing.

No galu govad gen. May blessings go with you.

TTFN, ART.

(8:04 pm)

Meh.

2009-04-16T23:58:00.000-04:00

I forgot to blog, but I'm too tired to care.

I finished Lock and Key.

Started City of Ashes.

Worked on my report.

Wrote a bad poem.

Have a headache.

Goodnight. More tomorrow.

TTFN, ART.

rambles

2009-04-16T00:05:00.003-04:00

So, I was cutting so near to midnight that I decided to use "The Laundry Man" as my post for Wednesday. :P I knew I didn't have time to make a proper blog post for today.

*sighs* My parents are fighting about my dad's job. Again. And now they're talking about me, I think. *headdesks* Mlek.

I got to go to the library today. I got three research books about Leonardo Da Vinci for my research paper, three books for myself, and a book to read to my siblings. The books I got are:

City of Ember by Jeanne DuPrau (I LOVED the movie and wanted to read the book.)

City of Ashes by Cassandra Clare (Sequel to City of Bones, which ended up being really good.)

Lock&Key by Sandra Dessan (I love all of her books, and this is the first I've found in a while that I haven't read.)

And also:

The Tale of Despereaux by Kate DiCamillo (To be read with my siblings in preparation of watching the movie.)

I'm looking forward to reading the books. They all look good. Hopefully all the homework I have coming up won't kill me. >_< I have to write that super essay for Advanced Comp. and make an elaborate presentation for Lit. The presentation is due May 5th. *headdesks* I'm going to have to scramble.

I also need to try to get my Ren. dress done by May 7th. >_< Can you say busy much? I hope I can get it all done without going crazy. I work well under short deadlines, but not when I feel overloaded. Then I freeze up and get nothing done. It's a trait I despise.

Anyway, I'm feeling a bit ill still and am going to end this off.

Blessing to you all.

TTFN, ART.

"The Laundry Man"

2009-04-15T23:58:00.003-04:00

"For today's prompt, I want you to take the title of a poem you especially like (by another poet) and change it. Then, with this new altered title, I want you to write a poem. An example would be to take William Carlos Williams' "The Red Wheelbarrow" and change it to "The Red Volkswagon." Or take Frank O'Hara's "Why I Am Not a Painter" and change it to "Why I Am Not a Penguin." You get the idea, right? (Note: Your altered poem does NOT have to follow the same style as the original poet, though you can try if you wish.)"

Chosen poem: The Highway Man by Alfred Noyes

"The Laundry Man"

The floor was a turmoil of fabric among the mussy beds,
The dressers overflowing their drawers with many dangling threads,
The sea was a jumble of colors upon the buried wood,
And the laundry man came collecting-
Collecting-collecting-
The laundry man came collecting just as I knew he would.

His bag was slung over his shoulder, a pant leg at his throat,
His clothes were worn and old, and he wore a dirty coat.
I wondered as I saw him how he got the clothing clean,
But he carried out the laundry,
The dirty, smelling laundry,
He carried out the laudry, so I knew not to be mean.

He climbed up on the stair; he scarce could reach the door,
But I handed out the basket and he took it in a blink,
As he dumped the stinking bundle in the bag 'long with the rest,
And he took the stinking pile,
(Oh, the dirty, stinking pile!)
Then he tossed the bag over his shoulder, and wandered away to the West.

And still of an early morn, they say, when the laundry's on the floor,
When the smell fills up the house till you can't take it anymore,
When the fabric fills the house so there's nowhere to escape,
The laundry man comes collecting-
Collecting- collecting-
The laundry man comes collecting, wearing a dirty cape.

Gibberish

2009-04-15T00:18:00.002-04:00

12:14 am (I got complaints about the lack of time stamps :P)

Okay, so it's after midnight, so it's not technically Tuesday anymore, but I'm still awake from Tuesday, so I think it counts.

I'm exhausted. I've been weak, shaky, dizzy, and a bit nauseous all day. Not that it got me out of school. *rolls eyes* I had Geography and Lit and then sat out of dance writing this evening. I've had a fairly normal day despite my illness making everything hazy, which I hate. I probably won't remember much of the day by tomorrow.

That might be a good thing. I had a few dark patches... Managed to get out unscathed, however. That's a gigantic plus.

Anyway, I feel as if my head is trying to detach itself from my body, so I'm going to head off to bed.

Take care, all.

God Bless.

TTFN, ART.

"The Unaware"

2009-04-13T18:24:00.002-04:00

I opened a book at random and jabbed my finger down on six different pages. The words I landed on are the words I used as the endings for my lines. The result was rather interesting...

Words used: Unaware, city, pages, fearful, father, unable.

"The Unaware"

I remember the days of innocence, unaware
that such places as this city
existed outside of the pages
of a book. Now I find myself fearful,
even of my own father,
and I know that despite my wish to help, I am unable.

It kills me inside that I am unable
to fix what was done while, unaware,
I took the word of my father
that we would be say in this city.
And now I lie awake fearful
of what I must write on these pages.

For upon these pages
I have decided to tell what I am unable
to undo. But I am fearful
of discovery, for it is better to be unaware
of the truth in this city
where one cannot trust their own father.

I remember the words of my father
and his reassuring smile as he signed the pages
that bound us forever to this city.
I recall how I tried to stop him, but was unable
to change his mind. Perhaps he was unaware
of the truth, but with so much betrayal, I’m fearful.

I despise the fact that I am so fearful,
but I will not give in. Not like my father.
Though when it began I was unaware,
I know now and my testimony is on these pages.
Even if I am forever unable,
I will never stop trying to leave this city.

I tremble now at what I know of the city.
For the lives of my family and friends I am fearful.
If it was found out what I know, I would be unable
to save myself or them, even my father
who is under their control. I wet these pages
with tears, knowing that all of this is because we were unaware.

But I am determined to escape the city and save my friends and my father.
However, I admit I am fearful of discovery of my plans on these pages,
For, if discovered, I will be unable to save any of those still unaware.

Interesting day.

2009-04-13T18:16:00.002-04:00

Woke up at 8am to complete silence. My music had gone off as had my space heater and all other electronic noise. I opened my eyes to see that the hall light I used to keep out the total blackness was out as well. I realized the power had gone out again, remembered the storm last night, and went back to sleep. When I woke up to the alarm on my cellphone, it was still dark. The lights didn't come back on until around 4:30 pm. That's the longest power outage I recall being in. It was a real pain not to be able to get online or really listen to any music. It was also rather annoying to have to spend all day upstairs with the family (my room was pitch black), but as a whole it wasn't too bad. I got a couple poems written and read a new book. It was rather creepy. I wasn't fond of the ending either. Anyway, I've missed my friends, but I survived.

Well, It's only about 6:20, but I'm already exhausted and rather brain-dead. I'm going to end this and hopefully put together a make-up entry tomorrow.

I do have a second poem for today, though, which I'll post right after this.

Love in Christ.
No galu govad gen.

TTFN, ART.

"Singing Freedom"

2009-04-13T17:56:00.000-04:00

Prompt: Write about a hobby.

April 13, 2009

"Singing Freedom"

Starting out soft
just above
a whisper,
timid and shy about
being heard.
Words dancing in
the air and building
my confidence
so it grows.
Rising, swelling above
the quite noise
of the earth.
Blending with
the melody that is
the breath of life.
Smile spreading across
my face; stress and fear
melting away,
carried by the tide of
my voice
as it is lifted in
a spiral of notes and words
that shape pictures
in my mind;
pictures of peace.
My heart follows the melody and,
for once, I can be
free.

"So We Decided To Fly"

2009-04-13T01:59:00.001-04:00

Prompt: Take the phrase "So we decided to (blank)" and fill in the blank.

April 12, 2009

"So We Decided To Fly"

They told us that we could never
be anything more than
what we are, but you never believed
what they said and you laughed.
So we decided to be more.

They told us that we could never
know as much as those with
better breeding; that we would always
be less. But I knew better and laughed.
So we decided to learn.

They told us that we could never
escape the trap we were in and that
we would always view the world
through a cage. But you saw a way out.
So we decided to run.

They told us we could never
run from the past; that it would always
haunt us. But we looked at each other and
knew that we could win.
So we decided to fly.

I forgot!

2009-04-13T01:42:00.003-04:00

No excuses. I just forgot to blog the past two days. I'm sorry! Not that I think you mind the break from my ramblings. :P However, I thought I might as well get back into it now before I forget again.

A lot of people made wonderful, touching, beautiful posts about Easter... but I have none to make. I'm sorry. Today's been too weird and I keep forgetting it's Sunday, let alone the Sunday it is. So I'll wait until I'm a little more coherent. Maybe tomorrow.

I've had an interesting time today. Some stuff caught me off guard. It doesn't help that I'm still sick. My stomach rejected lunch today. That's the first time that's happened in a long time. I liked it better when my gag reflex was much reduced. Hopefully I get better soon.

I despise being sick.

I did write a new poem, though. This one for the National Poem-A-Day challenge. It came out alright... but the original idea was far better. However, I lost it the moment I began to type it up. I hate when that happens, don't you?

Anyway, I just got done watching iRobot with my sister and dad. It was pretty good, though a bit much language wise. I've decided that yes, I find Will Smith attractive. I've never really been sure before. I mean, he's not quite Owen Wilson, but he's got the whole not-a-blonde thing against him. *grins* I admit it. I have a thing for blonde-haired, blue-eyed guys. Especially when the hair's a little long and shaggy around the face. *grins again* But I'll stop rambling. I'm sure you don't care.

Anyway, I'm going to cut this off now and go ahead and post. Hope everyone had a wonderful Easter!

Love to you all!

TTFN, ART.

Rambling again...

2009-04-10T12:31:00.002-04:00

I had nightmares again last night. I hate that. They were creepy, for the most part. In one I had a best friend who died and then came back as a ghost. In another my parents were aliens or something (that one was weird). And I don't remember the third one. It was an interesting night. Liss pulled an all-nighter which I'm displeased about, but at least she's doing alright. I should send her to bed soon.

I need to get my ECP poem posted on CP today. I have the first written, though not yet edited. I should try to post it now rather than waiting. So far I typically do the Squabbles and whatnot the first day of the challenge. I'd hate to break my record.

*sighs* I really really wanted to see Liss again before she left for the summer... but every day draws closer to her departure... by now the chance of me seeing her is slim to nothing. I hate that... I'm feeling so lonely here lately... and now the person closest to me who really actually cares (other than a guy :ninja:) is leaving to go many states away... It's just... rough, I guess.

I'm not really sure what I'm talking about, so I'm going to stop and possible get my notebook so I can do something productive. :P

TTFN, ART.

CP Squabble April 9-15

2009-04-09T22:13:00.001-04:00

Challenge: Write a free verse poem, using this line: Sometimes laughter tastes like cranberries, as your opening OR ending line.

You may start with that line, or use it as the final line, but it MUST be in one of those two locations. Your poem must be free verse (click for info), and should be between 8 and 16 lines long.

Genre: Poetry
Line Count: 8-16 lines

********************

-Cranberry Kiss-

We wandered down the path and laughed as we
dreamed of our future together.
I watched as you popped the red berry
in your mouth and told me this was forever.
You kissed me then and the sour red juice trickled
down our chins. I remember when
you walked away and left me alone,
tears pouring down my cheeks,
and I swore I'd never be happy again.
Time passing and seasons changing
and the pain fading slowly, little by little,
and sometimes I'd find myself
smiling or laughing and it felt sour on my lips,
but underneath it was sweet. Like your kiss.
And I learned that there can be healing and that
sometimes laughter tastes like cranberries.

Going on again.

2009-04-09T13:46:00.004-04:00

I'm not feeling much better today. I hate being sick. I think it should be outlawed.

They had a new member joining on CleanPlace today. It seems weird to be barely full member status and already have a new batch of newbies. Might just be me, though.

I worked on one of my poems for the ECP (Extra Credit Project) yesterday and was pretty pleased with its turn out... then found out today that Nia limited the poems to twenty lines! I have twenty-eight! *headdesks* I hate writing short poems, so I'm a little disappointed. I guess I'm going to need to do some editing. At least it's free verse. I can probably just lenghten the lines. It's only three stanzas.

-Many hours later-

Well, I got distracted by the phone. Liss called. After that I got to talk to Linny for four hours. :D That was awesome. My day actually turned around quite well. I got back online and did the poem for the CP squabble and I'll post that right after this. It came out alright. It was really hard to keep it within the word limit, though. How am I going to manage the twenty line ECP limit??

Linny I discussed poetry to some length today and I realized again how much of my poetry (and short stories) is dark. I guess it's like the said, they're always more emotional and, hence, typically turn out better. At least for me. I'd love to read some of Linny's poems,but she says she's never going to post them. Maybe someday I can convince her to show me a few, though. *innocent grin*

Have I rambled long enough? I'm sitting here waiting for Lisse to get online so I can talk to her before bed. She's due in about thirty minutes. Maybe I should try to eat first? A quesadia for breakfast and that handful of chocolate chips a few minutes ago probably doesn't qualify as a full day's nutrition. :oops:

Not that it was intentional. I just forgot to eat while I was on the phone and I didn't get off until almost eight. And then I forgot again. I'm a bit ADD today. I was everywhere while on the phone with Linny. Especially while trying to figure out the patterns.

*laughs* My brother's watching 3-2-1-Penguins. I remember when that show first came out. It was really different from Veggie Tales. Both are now my baby brother's favorites.

I don't recall what I've said about my brother... He's the youngest of the five of us. He just turned five and he has Down's Syndrome. He's adorable. I love my baby. *huggles him*

I think I'm done going on now. I'll spare your poor eyes.

Until next time,
TTFN, ART!

Blek.

2009-04-08T21:10:00.002-04:00

So I feel terrible. >_< I was alright most of the day. Went out, babysat, got the fabric for my dress, and came home. I felt a little ill, but I could handle it. I talked to Liss, I don't remember for how long. I don't even remember much of the conversation. I must have zoned out. I guess I fell asleep afterward because I woke up maybe a half hour ago...

And I feel awful. Really sick. My mouth tastes disgusting and I can't get rid of it. I haven't eaten in almost nine hours, which could have something to do with it. I think I just heard the car door slam so I think my mom's home. Dinner should be soon.

So yeah, that's about it. Sorry for the whiny nature of this post.

TTFN, ART.

Rambling

2009-04-07T15:11:00.003-04:00

I got the front and back panels for Mindless' dress cut out last night. Today I'm going to try to get the side ones done and I'll hopefully be done by tonight. I'm excited. I haven't made a, successful, human sized item in a while. I've missed the process of creating something like that. I'm not great at sewing, but I love doing it nonetheless. I hope to improve and maybe someday I can make things for other people. Perhaps as a way of earning money. (Too bad I'm not that good already. It could have been a good means for earning the money I need for Moot.)

On that note... Moot is coming up fast. I mean, okay, it's four months away. But that's for months to raise around $600! It's only $350 for Moot, but I'm probably going to need plane tickets since I doubt I can get a ride. *sighs* I really, really want to go... but it's seeming unlikely. With my dad making as little as he is it's not like my parents can afford to really contribute at all and since I don't have a job it's going to be really difficult to earn up the money myself. I can start babysitting again... but my only hope is that maybe some of my relatives can help me out by contributing twenty dollars or so apiece... But I feel so guilty asking for money. :oops: I want to go so badly, though. I mean... Writing is what I want to do with my life and Moot is a writing conference. A CHRISTIAN writing conference. And one hosted and attended by people I know, like, and trust. I've been wanting to go to something like this for years... I hate the fact that I may have to miss it... I just hope that maybe God will provide... If you feel led to, please pray for that. That God will provide the means for me to attend. I think it would be good for me... Maybe it would help.

Right now I'm kind of worried about a few things. Prayer would be nice, though it's nothing drastic.

Anyway, I've rambled long enough.

TTFN, ART.

New Look!

2009-04-06T19:02:00.001-04:00

I decided to redo my blog. What do you all think of the new design and title? I like it. I'll probably leave it this way for a while. Maybe play around with font colors if I get bored. *grins*

CP Squabble April 2-8

2009-04-06T18:30:00.002-04:00

Write a sestina, using these rules.

The catch is that we are giving you your set of six ending words. You MUST use these six words as your ending words, but what order you choose for your first stanza is up to you (as you will see in the rules, the order for the rest of the stanzas is predetermined).

Here are your six ending words:
boat
Kathmandu
journal
lemon
cathedral
grass

Genre: Poetry

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Lemon of Regret

I sit in the shadow of the old cathedral
and sigh as I read through my childhood journal.
I sigh for those days when we lay on the grass,
building with dreams out splendid boat,
that would take us from home to Kathmandu.
Regret is on my lips like a sugarless lemon.

And I summon forth to me the lemon
as I sit before this cathedral
and remember those fantasies of Kathmandu.
I cry a small tear on the pages of my journal
as I recall how you built your own boat
and I was left with my dreams in the grass.

As I lay that day, alone in the grass,
pain was like a wound drenched in lemon.
I gave up on my dreams and my boat.
Until this day at the old cathedral,
flipping through the pages of my worn, old journal,
I'd forgotten my dreams of Kathmandu.

My mind drifts again to our Kathmandu.
I remember our stories, laughing in the grass,
and I caress your name in my journal.
My eyes burn with fire as if rubbed by a lemon,
then I weep in the shadow of the cathedral.
I weep for my shattered boat.

Blame in my heart rides waves of anger like a boat.
I realize I blame you for losing Kathmandu,
and in shame I cower from the judging cathedral,
justifying myself with abandonment in the grass.
Yet still my heart feels as if squeezed like a lemon
and guilt is increased by my journal.

I slam shut the pages of the accusing journal.
I try to forget the destruction of my boat.
Still, when the hate in my heart feel like a sour lemon,
then I know how to get to Kathmandu.
I wander in a daze to lie in the grass,
leaving behind the silent cathedral.

I open my childhood journal and begin my journey to Kathmandu,
beginning to rebuild my boat as I lie here in the grass.
I add sugar to the sting of lemon and write, "I forgave you at the cathedral."

:oops:

2009-04-06T18:05:00.003-04:00

Clearly, I've gotten off on my temporary post-a-day thing. I'm not sure why.

CleanPlace has been really great. It's not as active as DioM... but it's a lot more active than AP typically is. And I love it. The CPers are amazing and I'm making a few, what I could call, real friends. Linny and I have been talking a lot and I got to talk to Mir on the phone once. Any is pretty awesome and Mar is a lot of fun. I've been talking with one of the other members who came in on my batch, Raquel, as well. It's nice having a lot of new people to talk to. People who I can start fresh with.

In addition I've been getting to talk to some of my old friends again... Admittedly, it's my fault we've been out of contact, but talking to them again is really nice. I've missed them. A lot. So it's really nice to be back in touch.

*sends off a PM to Any* Multitasking is fun.

Well, I'm out of things to say. I'll try to post more later.

Oh! I'm going to post right after this with a challenge I had to do for CP. :D It was random, but fun.

TTFN, ART!

Random Video

2009-04-04T19:51:00.005-04:00

I just found this and it's awesome. :D I thought I'd share this with anyone who cares to look.

Skillet- Open Wounds- Lego Music Video

Why?

2009-04-04T19:13:00.004-04:00

The one day I really needed to talk to Liss... and she gets grounded. I mean, first I was supposed to go up to visit and that got canceled, then she was supposed to come visit here and I don't think that's going to happen... And now I can't talk to her. *drops head to hands*

First post of April

2009-04-02T21:53:00.004-04:00

I don't have a whole lot to say. Mostly I'm tired. I stayed up all night on Tuesday night. Went to bed around 11 am, slept for a little over an hour talked to a friend. Crashed again from two to five. Then I stayed up till six am this morning I couldn't sleep. I also couldn't eat yesterday. I have no appetite. I feel horrid today. Not all of t is due to exhaustion. I had a pretty good day, I just feel rotten...

And Liss is moving... to CO for the entire summer. I won't see her until August (if I can make it to Moot, which is $350 plus plane tickets... so it's not likely...) or later. She leaves the 29th.

I guess I'm still in shock. I mean, I was looking forward to spending the summer with a best friend for the first time in six years... And now all of my hopes are blown away in a sudden decision on the part of her parents. And the lady she's going to be helping out.

I guess Liss had been thinking and praying about it for a while... But I only found out Tuesday. The day the decision was made.

I'm trying to take it in, I guess...

Anyway... I don't know what to do. I just feel so lost and confused.

Can I find a cave to hide out in for the summer?

A Short Story!

2009-03-30T20:29:00.003-04:00

I wrote this for CP, and liked it a bit, so I decided to post it here. Hope you all enjoy!

Word Count: 985

Giggling.

The rustle of feathers and the soft cooing sound of city pigeons.

A little girl’s voice whispered sweet nothings to the creatures as she crouched in the middle of the ocean of grey. She held a handful of breadcrumbs out and the worn concrete of the plaza pulsed with little bodies, each fighting to get a bite of the food.

Blonde curls dancing in the wind and her cheeks dimpled with her delighted smile, the girl looked ethereal. Lost in her own world, she was unaware of the people passing back and forth beyond the sea of birds.

She did not note the entranced gaze of a teenager on a nearby bench.

Miriam stared at the girl, seemingly unable to look away. But it was not the scene before her that she beheld.

“Mommy! Look at me!”

Birds scattered as the childish voice called out. Swirling up, the little girl found herself in the middle of a whirlwind of feathers and beady eyes. The small animals swooped close, near enough that she could feel her hair tangling in their claws.

She laughed, throwing her arms out and spinning with their dance. Freedom filled her soul, though the word was yet unknown to her.

“Miriam! Miriam, be careful!” The woman’s voice held a sense of panic.

The girl stopped spinning and her eyes opened to peer through the fleeing birds in search of her mother. Spotting her, she bounced up and down and giggled.

“Come, mommy! Come and dance!” She waved her hand, then spun around.

She felt her finger catch on something, tugging at her throat before breaking loose with an audible snap and flying away.

“No!” Stopping mid-twirl, the little girl tossed her blonde hair out of her face and looked around frantically. At last, she spotted something glittering on the ground a few yards away and ran toward it.

A large dark shape suddenly swooped before her. Shrieking, she stumbled backwards, then watched in dismay as the ugly black bird scooped up the glittering object and flew off.

“My necklace! No! Come back!” Dismay and determination battling within her, the little girl took off running.

Focused solely on her goal to retrieve her necklace, she was unaware of her surroundings. She heard her mother’s cries as from a distance and ignored them. The bird would not steal from her and get away with it!

When she tripped over the curb and tumbled into the road, she still had no consciousness of where she was nor the increased urgency of her mothers screams. She only knew that the bird was up ahead. She could see him heading for a light post.

It was only the shrill blaring of a horn that jarred her loose from her determined chase.

And the sickening thud that ended her mother’s cries forever . . .

Miriam could feel the poorly healed wound in her heart begin to tear open once again. She closed her eyes tightly, digging her nails into her palm as she had so many times before.

[i]If only I had listened... If only I had let it go... My fault... all my fault...[/i]

She opened her eyes and found herself meeting the gaze of the little girl. Miriam looked into her twinkling blue orbs dully.

[i]If you only knew what pain exists...[/I]

The little girl’s mouth spread into an impish grin, her cheeks dimpling. Despite her mood, Miriam found the look irresistible and gave a small smile back. The grin widened and her little hand beckoned Miriam forth.

The older girl glanced about in confusion. Spotting no one else whom she could have been mistaken for, she rose and made her way through the birds.

“Hello,” she said as she approached. Looking down, she was startled by the child’s resemblance to her younger self. She crouched down so she could converse with the girl better. “I’m Miriam.”

Blue eyes sparkled and the impish smile peeked out of the corner of her mouth. “I know.”

Miriam blinked. [i]Do I know this girl? [/I] She looked around briefly to see if she recognized anyone in the crowd.

The little girl laughed and Miriam looked back to see a bird had landed on top of the crown of blonde curls. Miriam couldn’t help laughing as well.

The sound felt good coming from her throat, she hadn’t laughed in a long time.

Sparkling blue eyes met hers again and the look in them seemed far older than the girl. Little hands fitted themselves into Miriam’s larger ones.

“It wasn’t your fault.”

Miriam felt as if she had been hit in the stomach. Shock left her frozen.

“How... What...”

Just then a car horn blared. The birds let out a cry of surprise and, as one, lifted into the air. Miriam covered her face and hair and they swirled around. She could feel feathers against her skin. The sound of delighted laughter rang out through the panicked sound of the fleeing birds.

And then there was silence.

Miriam dropped her hands to look around. A few birds wandered lazily about. No sign remained of the flock there just moments before.

And the little girl was gone.

Miriam clambered to her feet and spun around searching frantically. The plaza was large, there was no place the girl could have gone so quickly.

No little girl.

Her heartbeat sounded loud in her ears. Miriam wandered back to her bench in a daze and sat down hard.

Only then did she realize that she was clutching something tightly in her hand.

Opening her fist, she gazed down at the small, child-sized locket she held.

With shaking fingers, she clicked it open.

A picture rested inside of a laughing blonde girl held close by a smiling young woman with loving eyes. An inscription faced it.

[I]To Miriam, Love Mom.[/I]

Miriam clutched the necklace to her chest as tears streamed down her cheeks.

[i]Not my fault?[/I]

Somewhere in the distance, a little girl laughed.

Ren dresses!

2009-03-29T16:45:00.010-04:00

So... I figured I'd make the last post a little clearer. :P

The Renaissance Faire is coming nearby next month and I'm really excited. I can be a total dork about these things. I already have a cloak I made and my sister has the one I made for her... But we both wanted real costumes. So I'm going to make them! I bought a pattern for myself, but Mindless couldn't find one she liked, so I'm going to do without and just imitate what Warrior did on her costume blog. I'm excited. I'd forgotten how much I love sewing. Some parts are tedious, but as a whole, I love it.

Here's pictures of what I'm going to be doing.

MY DRESS PATTERN

That's what I'm basing Mindless' outfit off of.

And here are some pictures of my and my sister's cloaks.

Mindless':

Mine:

So... Yup. I'll keep you all updated on my progress!

TTFN, ART!

Busy day...

2009-03-28T20:58:00.003-04:00

For once. :P I am notorious for being rather lazy and never leaving the house. However today I left the house within two hours of getting up. Not only that, but I cooked a little before that. I went to the thrift store and got a new fedora and three books. :woot:

After that I came home and tried to see if there was a Ren dress pattern that Mindless liked. Oh yeah! I ordered one for myself the other day. It's gorgeous. I can't want to make it. After the failure of finding one for Mindless, I looked at Warrior's costume blog and decided to just try to imitate the overdress she made. Mindless doesn't mind and I made a doll sized one as a sample that came out alright. So I should be able to make one for my 5'7" little sister. It's actually easier to make full sized things. More room for mistakes. *shifty eyes*

Anyway... so yeah. I've done a lot more than usual today. All in all, a pretty good follow up to the awesome dance class last night. I got to dance with two amazing dancers which was exciting. I learned a bunch of new moves and actually got to do some awesome stuff in the waltz! My partner taught me how to dip properly. And I got to dance with the dance teacher twice. And he said I was good. *dark blush* It was pretty good.

Aaaaaanyway. I'm done rambling.

Peace, y'all.

TTFN, ART.

sighs

2009-03-25T13:57:00.003-04:00

I should be doing school... I just can't focus. Everything going on in life just has my mind swirling and unable to focus on such mundane things as homework. It like... I want to do well. I really do. I just... can't do it. I'm getting so ticked off with myself about it. I need to do well. I need to do well on the SAT. I need to get into college. I also need a job...

And I can't seem to focus on anything tangible. I can focus on Liss and CP and stuff like that... but I can't even focus on reading and writing... I'm getting so mad at myself.

I wonder I'f I'll be able to focus enough to make the doll dresses I ordered patterns for. *rubs head* Ugh... I really want to be able to do things. I don't know what's wrong with me.

I have so many issues... Seriously...

I wonder if I'd be able to focus on school if I was studying with people... I can focus on conversations, and chatting, and people... I wonder if a study group would help...

Not that I'd be able to find one, anyway. The only people in my class who might be willing to do something like that are the ones I blogged about a while back. The ones who don't really see me.

Although, Jessica actually spoke to me first yesterday. And I blew it by freaking out about something teacher said and drowning the discussion out by writing Jack's Tale. Ai maer. I do well in Lit anyway. My teacher has had me in English type classes for years and likes me. Same with my Writing teacher. So I feel guilty when I don't have an assignment and they give me grace because "I'm a good student."

*rubs head* I try... but I'm really not anymore...

*sighs* Oh well, I'm going to end this.

No galu govad gen. TTFN, ART.

...

2009-03-24T11:51:00.001-04:00

I'm such an idiot...

I don't even know...

2009-03-23T15:32:00.004-04:00

I'm so confused... I can't remember the last time I was this confused...

I got an apology message from an old friend today... I... *rubs head* I don't know what to do. I forgive her. I've forgiven her long ago... but... *curls up and rests chin on knees* She hurt me... badly. I still haven't been able to heal... I miss her. I don't deny it. I miss her like crazy... but I'm not... *bites lip hard* She shattered my trust in her... and so many others... I'm not sure... I'm not sure it'd be good for me to... Oh, I don't know!

I miss her. It hurts. A little piece of me still bleeds when I see her picture or remember the sound of her laugh in my mind. I still love her. So much. But I don't know what to do. As much as I love her, as much as I miss her... we've both changed... She destroyed my faith in human kind like so many before her have done... and it was restored by Liss and others. The place in my heart that was her's still aches, but it's smaller now. It will never be gone... but I'm not sure what will happen if I get in contact with her again... will it just be a repeat of what went before? She swore I could trust her and she betrayed me... if it happens again, will my heart be able to take it? Already it's so fragile. Friendships are harder for me. Trusting is sometimes close to impossible... The only person I can look to without fear is Liss... and even so, I keep messing things up with her... I keep failing her. Even today.

I almost made a huge mistake. It hurt her. She berated me about it and she was right... but now she feels guilty. So I made things doubly worse. I really screw up everything.

It's no wonder so many people get tired of me and leave... I wonder if the friends I have now will leave me too... I hope not... I love them. So very much. I can't lose them too...

God... I'm so confused...

Random Evanescence Cover

2009-03-22T01:04:00.001-04:00

My voice is shot, so don't really go by this...

<3

2009-03-21T19:19:00.004-04:00

I have a best friend. Her name is Blair Michelle, or Lisse. She's the most amazing person in the world. I would do anything for her and I love her to death. She's beautiful, smart, funny, real, and most of all: loved. She has the most amazing personality and she's the one person I could tell absolutely anything to.

I'll love her forever and always, no matter what.

Im meleth le, Oré Vala nîn. No matter what. Until Eternity ends.

Almost done.

2009-03-21T09:17:00.003-04:00

After today's performance, we're done. I can't wait. I like the play and all... but it's eating up my time and leaving me exhausted which increases stress.

Like I don't have enough stress in my life as it is.

I really miss Lisse today... I kind of failed her yesterday... *sighs and rubs head* She needed me to be strong and I freaked out about stuff.

Sometimes I find myself wishing I had never meet a friend I once had. She effectively destroyed me in the end... I still haven't managed to heal. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be whole. Everyone always talks about guys breaking your heart... but sometimes friends do it more completely.

*sighs* Anyway... I'm just really lonely today. I read a random blog post today that got me thinking about a few things. It made me examine myself. And it made me miss Liss more. Right now, I really wish I could just freak out MAJORLY without someone getting on my case about language...

*chews lip* Yes... I have the tendency to cuss a little bit when I'm really stressed... It's a horrible habit. I hate it. I'm trying to break it... but it's better then what I used to do when I was really stressed out. (See September's post: Returning) I'm just at the breaking point lately. I'm so tired that I have no reserves to fall back on. That's why I can't wait for this play to be over. I am /this/ close to asking my parents if I can stay home from church on Sunday... I know. really bad of me. Especially since I was sick last week. But I need sleep... really really badly. If I break too far... I'm afraid of what might happen.

But here I go again, doing exactly what I'm trying not to do.

Anyway. I'm off. Wish me luck in our final performance.

TTFN, ART.

Mleh

2009-03-20T21:50:00.003-04:00

Dude... I have the most terrible headache. It's killing me. It's especially bothersome because it's putting a block on my attempts to edit Jack's Tale part 1. Meh.

The first day of the play was today. It went alright, I suppose. It was done a lot sooner then everyone expected it to be. That was nice. I hate my costume. I might post some pictures here eventually. Maybe. Maybe not. Creepy stalker people might see them. Although, with the way I looked, I might scare them all away from my area permanently!

Ugh, my family is watching what little bit we recorded. *falls over* I guess I'll watch it eventually, but maybe not until after tomorrows performance. I can't wait till Sunday. Then we'll be done. :woot:

Ugh. My head...

Hm. I think we're about to eat. I guess I'd better sign off.

TTFN, ART. No galu govad gen!

I tried...

2009-03-20T18:56:00.001-04:00

"Everything You Ever Wanted"

I walk the line
Leave it all behind
I've been waiting forever
Lets go back in time
When I could read your mind
Still I've been waiting

It took the seasons going by
To know its not my fault

I tried to be perfect, tried to be honest
Tried to be everything that you ever wanted
I tried to be stronger, tried to be smarter
Tried to be everything but you

Its been so long
Since you've been home
I used to wait up forever
I used to say a prayer
Wishing you were there
And I'm still waiting

You told me once
You'd show up
But I fell for that
Before I fell to pieces
Then I woke up
To no one,
Just a picture of Jesus
And a house left in pieces

It took the seasons going by
To know its not my fault

I tried to be perfect, tried to be honest
Tried to be everything that you ever wanted
I tried to be stronger, tried to be smarter
Tried to be everything but you

I wanted you
I need you
I want to believe you
I wanted you
I need you
I want to believe you

I tried to be perfect, tried to be honest
tried to be everything but you

I tried to be perfect, tried to be honest
Tried to be everything that you ever wanted
I tried to be stronger, tried to be smarter
Tried to be everything but you

New Story!

2009-03-18T22:05:00.003-04:00

I'm working on a new story and Liss suggested that I post a synopsis here. So I will.

TITLE: Jack's Tale (working title)
GENRE: Romance
THEME(S): No idea...
CHAPTERS: I should have around six when I'm done.
MAIN CHARACTER(S): Jack
BASIC PLOT: Jack is a thief. On a failed job one night, he meets a girl. She sticks in his mind despite the briefness of their contact and he regrets the lost chance to get to know her. Until she shows up again in the least likely of places.

So far I have about 2k done which is the first chapter. It's pretty fun. Jack is self-centered and arrogant and believes he can do no wrong. It's my first time writing a pompous jerk and it's rather entertaining.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

2009-03-17T11:33:00.003-04:00

Last year this time I was exhausted from all the dancing I'd been doing. But this year I gave up the shows for drama.

So instead I just feel fat and lazy. :P

Seriously... I miss it. But I'm loving acting again. Even if the preparation for the play is driving me up the wall. I haven't made it all the way to production time in so long. I love it. I'd actually forgotten how much I adore acting.

I feel so busy right now, but I know I'm really not. I need to be a lot more busy. I just... *makes a face* I can never apply myself unless it's a short goal project. I try, I really do. I /want/ to get things done. I'm just... incapable of it. It drives me crazy. I might have to talk to Ms. Michelle and see if I can work with her to figure out a way to set up my papers with short term goals so... Meh.

Anyway, co-op today, so off I go.

Happy St. Patrick's Day all. Even though I'm not Catholic. :P Just Irish.

God Bless!

TTFN, ART.

Drama

2009-03-16T19:55:00.003-04:00

The play's this Friday and I'm one of the only ones with my lines memorized. Okay, so I have less lines then most of them, but some of them don't seem like they've even tried. It's just frustrating.

I got my costume today, so that's good. I still have to try to sew Dessil's tonight, though. I just wish my mom would stop reminding me and just trust me to get it done for once. She has absolutely no faith in me.

I'm enjoying the play. I'm enjoying my role. It's just a little more stressful then I was hoping it would be.

Oh well, I guess that's why it's called drama.

Um... drawing a mind blank. I guess I'll shut up now. Maybe I'll go call Liss.

TTFN, ART.

humming

2009-03-15T22:10:00.003-04:00

I'm sick. Not too badly, but I still don't feel well. Oh well, I'll probably get to watch Memoirs of a Geisha or Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon tonight to make up for it.

I've been doing some writing lately. I made a goal with myself to write at least a page every night. So far I've done it since I started. Two days ago. I count that as doing fairly well. I'm working on an AAP. I actually like my character fairly well. I'm looking forward to the story.

Speaking of which...

I GOT ONTO CLEANPLACE!!! :WOOT:

I love it. I feel kind of like a trespasser... but I'm hoping maybe I'll fit in someday. It's been nice to have it today when I've been sick and Liss has been gone most of the day. I've posted two things there so far. I wonder if I'll get feedback on either...

Anyway, everyone there is just as awesome and wonderful as Lisse said they were. I'm not surprised seeing as they're the people she's chosen for her friends. I wonder if I'll be able to call many of them my friends soon. I (perhaps wrongly) already consider Mir a friend, and I've been talking on FB with Linny, so perhaps her as well. They're both wonderful. Of course, everyone is. And they're all amazing writers to boot. Reading their stuff I can see that I have so much to learn.

But... anyway... I think dinner might be ready. I'm getting lightheaded again and I can smell food. Why do we never eat on time? *grumbles about this*

Anyway, I'm off. TTYL, ART.

Another post just for the sake of it.

2009-03-13T19:52:00.003-04:00

Yeah... I don't know. I just feel like posting. Today's been pretty stressful. Drama was long and exhausting on top of a really late night and I couldn't seem to stop fighting with my mom... We don't get along on the best of days, but today was particularly bad. I'm not proud of my behavior... I did manage to get to the library for the first time in a while. I got:

The Turn of the Screw by Henry James (I'm doing a report for Lit on it.)
A Portrait of A Lady by Henry James (It looked interesting.)
City of Bones (I wanted to. :P)

So I should have fun with that. I'm already partly into The Turn of the Screw and it's pretty good. A little hard for my tired mind to follow, but I'm liking it. It's a ghost story. :D

Other than that... I dunno. I got to wear a new shirt I just got for the first time today and I love it. It makes me feel "cool." (aka: My version of cool which varies from a lot of others. :P) I actually liked my outfit a lot today. I think it was a pretty "me" outfit. So I felt a little less awkward than usual. I did feel pretty lonely all day, but that's because I don't really have a friends at school. I talk to most people in drama occasionally, but... I'm not part of the "in crowd." Highschool at my co-op is divided into two groups. The "in crowd" and my group, the "outcasts." There's about... Six of us? Myself, Koby, Bitty, Ryn, Katie #1, my sister, Sarah, and sometimes Naomi. Okay. Eight. Typically I don't mind... but sometimes it gets to me. Especially now that I'm not fitting in well with my crowd anymore. *laughs a little* That's kind of weird actually, because it really is my crowd. I hold it together, I brought its beginning. People have come and gone, but myself (and Koby) have always been there. Koby may be on his way out though due to a bunch of fights between him and many of the others. I'm about the only one that still talks to him. I'm really the only one holding the group together. But I'm fading out. Like I fade out of everything. I just don't fit in there anymore... I... *sighs* I want to be... not necessarily a part of the "in crowd" but I want to be friends with some of them. I've been there as long a most of the older ones and longer than the majority. But I've never had a place with them. And it hurts sometimes. To know that even now I'm still rejected. *rests chin on hand* Many of them are nice people. I could be friends with them. I know I could be. But... they... *sighs* I guess social status.

That's one of the many reasons I want to go to a real school next year. I want to start over. I want to actually be known for who I am. Not just who I was.

You know... I probably know more about half the kids at co-op than my parents know about me. At least, about the present. And they know my name... *sighs* It's kind of depressing to be invisible.

But I've probably been rambling on long enough. I didn't mean to bore anyone, if anyone reads this, it's just something that's been on my mind a lot lately.

Ooh, sibs are watching Gilligan's Island. :P That was a fun show. I've seen most of the episodes. After watching it every Friday night for about... two years? though, it got a little old. I started bailing out on the season three episodes so I haven't seen all of those. I prefer the old Sherlock Holms shows or The Waltons. I like The Andy Griffith Show too. They had good shows "in the old days." :P

*yawns a little* I wish I had my CP account already. Nia should be going through the applications today. I REALLY hope I get in this time around. If I don't, Liss is probably going to kill me. *hides*

I wonder if I'll fit in on CP... I know so much about everyone and they know little to nothing about me. I'm afraid I'll scare people... Normally I wouldn't really care... but I really want the people there to like me... Liss speaks so highly of them. I care about their opinions of me... *sighs a little* But I won't work myself into a state of paranoia now... I should (hopefully) be able to find out tomorrow.

I'm going to stop writing now. I'm getting tired.

TTFN, ART.

shrugs

2009-03-12T20:25:00.001-04:00

I don't know... Sometimes I just want to give up, you know.

I feel like such crap lately.

Ugh... I just don't know...

"Going Under"

Now I will tell you what I've done for you -
50 thousand tears I've cried.
Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you -
And you still won't hear me.
(going under)
Don't want your hand this time - I'll save myself.
Maybe I'll wake up for once (wake up for once)
Not tormented daily defeated by you
Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom

I'm dying again

I'm going under (going under)
Drowning in you (drowning in you)
I'm falling forever (falling forever)
I've got to break through
I'm going under

Blurring and stirring - the truth and the lies.
(So I don't know what's real) So I don't know what's real and what's not (and what's not)
Always confusing the thoughts in my head
So I can't trust myself anymore

I'm dying again

I'm going under (going under)
Drowning in you (drowning in you)
I'm falling forever (falling forever)
I've got to break through

So go on and scream
Scream at me I'm so far away (so far away)
I won't be broken again (again)
I've got to breathe - I can't keep going under

I'm dying again

I'm going under (going under)
Drowning in you (drowning in you)
I'm falling forever (falling forever)
I've got to break through

I'm going under (going under)
I'm going under (drowning in you)
I'm going under

I don't know.. I just feel like posting something.

2009-03-08T14:30:00.003-04:00

The title says it all. I'm just going to leave this page up for awhile and post randomly when I have a thought.

My sister sent me the first part of her NaNo yesterday for me to start editing. Yay! I just did my first piece of real feedback yesterday too as preparation for joining CP. It was actually pretty fun. Not enough to want to be an editor for my career, but it wasn't torture. I just have no confidence in my skills. I'm afraid if I point out everything I see I'll crush someone's spirit. Or that if I go too lightly they'll think I'm stupid. *hides* I'm paranoid...

*sighs* Thinking depressing thoughts about not fitting in now. I should stop. Meh.

Another topic... another topic...

I'm getting hungry. I think we're supposed to be having lunch soon. I hope so, at least. I need to cut back on how much I'm eating, though. I'm starting to overeat at meals. >_< I guess it's a stress reliever of sorts. But then I just get more stressed when I look in the mirror... I don't have a problem with people who are heavier. I think some people look absolutely gorgeous like that. I have a friend as an example. However, I'm not one of those people. Plus, it's a bad thing when it comes to dance.

Oops. Someone was chasing my sister's cat and I thought it was my most ill-behaved brother so I scolded him... Only to find out that it was my sister. Strangeness.

Actually, I have no room to speak. This whole blog post so far is strangeness.

I need to call Ema. Why can't lunch hurry up? I have to wait till it's over to call...

Hm... to keep posting or to open up Dessil's story... *ponders this* To edit, or not to edit that is the question. For whether it is better to post or to red-pen a siblings work... :P

Well, that's not technically right... it would be red font since I'm not printing it out... but red pen sounds better. :P

I think I'll just go ahead and submit this post. I might do another later, but I'm done-ish for now.

TTFN, ART! (Ta-Ta For Now, Anyone-Reading-This)

No...

2009-03-06T02:11:00.002-05:00

...I'm not okay. I don't really know what's wrong. I'm just... not okay. *shrugs* Life has been too hard lately. I don't know what the deal is. I'm just having trouble handling everything.

Maybe I'm just tired...

"Numb"

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

[Chorus]
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

[Chorus]
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

[Chorus]
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

[Chorus]
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be

Fading

2009-02-04T13:40:00.002-05:00

It seems like everything's fading away lately... The online forums I've made my homes are seeming to die out. Even the places I've only observed from afar are seeming to slip into oblivion. I can't understand it. The only reason I can see is the one I've feared all along.

I kill everything I come in contact with.

Live Free Or Let Me Die

2009-01-31T12:26:00.001-05:00

"Live Free Or Let Me Die"

Death until the dust, and we're waiting
Ruined in the rust, of our craving
It feels like, it feels like
Don't you know the cost, of your betrayal?
You're the one that's lost, you're gonna fail
It feels like, it feels like you're gasping with all your might

You can't take away my strength
Fix these broken veins
There's nothing left to fight (Live free or let me die)
You can't take away my pride, I won't be denied
There's nothing left to fight (Live free or let me die)

Insects walk below, I'm on a wire
Fire will burn below, but I am higher
It feels like, it feels like
Don't you know the cost, of your betrayal?
You're the one that's lost, you're gonna fail
It feels like, it feels like you're gasping with all your might

You can't take away my strength
Fix these broken veins
There's nothing left to fight (Live free or let me die)
You can't take away my pride, I won't be denied
There's nothing left to fight (Live free or let me die)

Do you remember how
You became who you are now?
Do you remember how
It felt to breathe without
Gasping with all your might?

You can't take away my strength
Fix these broken veins
Nothing left to fight

You can't take away my strength
Fix these broken veins
There's nothing left to fight (Live free or let me die)
You can't take away my pride, I won't be denied
There's nothing left to fight
Nothing left to fight (Nothing left to fight)
Live free or let me die
Live free or let me die
Live free or let me die

2009-01-31T12:14:00.004-05:00

I don't know where I am or what I'm doing. Lately it feels like no one really cares in the end anyway. If I take a step back, I know that's not true, but late at night when I feel so alone it's hard to see the truth. And lately I feel so alone...

I need to get out of here. The stress of being here. Of dealing with all of this, with my mom, with home... It's driving me crazy and it's driving me to regrettable things... I need to get out of here. Matt offered to let me stay at his house and his mom is fine with it. Nothing would happen. Ms. Kim is amazing. But my dad... *rubs head* I could stay with Bit... but she's really one of the worst things for me. Kim, no. Faith, no. I... I have nowhere to go... And it's two more weeks to the day until Liss comes.

I don't think I can make it that long.

Each day it gets harder to hold on. I have no motivation for anything... I can barely force myself to get online. To write this. I have a major paper due Thursday that I haven't even begun. The added stress that puts on me brings me to the brink of insanity every time I think about it.

Not as if that's an excuse that will get me out of a zero for a grade. A ten to twelve page research paper. I need at least eight sources. I have four. I need to have all the research, my rough draft, bibliography, and works cited page done and turned in in a few days. Not to mention that Art project.

Can I just... vanish for a while? I can't handle life right now.

This all sucks. So bad.

Plus I was a major jerk to one of my best friends.

I seriously can't do anything right...

2009-01-28T22:25:00.002-05:00

I just don't care anymore.

I screw everything up.

No wonder everyone ends up hating me.

Million Voices (Last one. For now.)

2009-01-28T15:17:00.001-05:00

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Surrender

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Here's My Life

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Comatose (Lol!)

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Better Than Drugs (O_O)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Right Here

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Softer to Me

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Scarborough Fair

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Carrickfergus

WHAT IS 2+2?
Beyond the Sea (:P)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
One More Round (O_o)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Glory Defined (LOL! Bad!)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Over the Rainbow (Okay...?)

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Take My Chances

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
The Last Night

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Mirror

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Leaving 99

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Whispers in the Dark

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Cornerstone

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECREt?
Pedastal

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Open Skies

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
My Last Breath

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Ballon Ride (Lol!)

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Vivaldi's Rain

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Granuaile's Dance

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Caladonia

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
You're Worthy of My Praise

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
My Personal Moon

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Staples

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Everybody's Fool

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Forever

WHAT WILL YOU POST AFTER THIS?
Thoughts of You

The Love We Had Before (Yes another. :P)

2009-01-28T15:06:00.002-05:00

Yeah, I'm really bored... :ninja:

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Take You Back

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Perfect Day

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Sightlines

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
I Believe in Love

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Be My Escape

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
God Will Lift Up Your Head

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Superstars (*dies laughing*)

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Hello

WHAT IS 2+2?
Average girl

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Into the Night

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
My Immortal (It must be Jacob then. :P)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Bring Me to Life

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
She Walked Away

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Stand Up

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
5 Minutes of Fame

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Enough

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Never Alone

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
The Way To Begin

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECREt?
Charles in Charge (O_o)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Song For The Broken

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Atmosphere

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
You Gave Me A Promise (...)

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Grey

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Never Alone (Acoustic)

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Take Me Away

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Mirror (... mirror on the wall?)

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Newgrange

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Sweet Revenge (O_O)

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
All That I Can Do

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Unbreakable

WHAT WILL YOU POST AFTER THIS?
I Need You to Love Me

The Older I Get (song game)

2009-01-28T14:59:00.000-05:00

Too much fun to resist. :D

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Taking Over

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
One World

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Beautiful Name

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Wake Up Call

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Those Nights

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Brand New Day

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Just Fine

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Beautiful Love

WHAT IS 2+2?
Keep Quiet

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Harder Than The First time

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
The Space In Between Us (O_o)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Falling Inside the Black

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
I Believe

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
On My Own

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Imaginary (Um... okay?)

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Voice of Truth

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Let Go

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
My Immortal (Edward? :P)

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECREt?
You Raise Me Up

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Never Alone

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Wrapped in Your Arms

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Whisper

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Orchard of Mines

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Modern Jazz Samba (I don't know that song...)

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Say Goodbye

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Show You Love

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
My Girlfrind (O_O)

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
The Blesssing

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Whatever it Takes

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Hide

WHAT WILL YOU POST AFTER THIS?
Clothes

Ugh...

2009-01-26T14:25:00.004-05:00

I hate being sick. I've had this terrible cough for around two weeks. It's horrid. I can barely breathe, let alone talk or sing. And that's killing me. <_< I want to sing along with my music.

There's a beautiful video that I've fallen in love with. It's a Harry Potter vid about Ron set to the song Zero by Hawk Nelson. It's just gorgeous. I'll post it here.
Zero- Ron Dies

It's so good.

I've also been listening to a few other songs and videos a lot. Orchard of Mines for one. I absolutely adore it. It's gorgeous!

Um... other than that... I've been really busy with stuff so I'm hardly ever around to talk to people. It really sucks. Even now I have to go again.

Bye y'all! No galu govad gen!

Lonliness

2009-01-24T21:41:00.003-05:00

Loneliness makes shadows dance
Haunted darkness waits close at hand
Till the last snowflake falls to the ground
I find myself lost in a frozen dying world
~Unnamed song by Blire Lynn

I wish I had someone here right now. I'm so lonely I want to cry.

Happy New Year (A little late...)

2009-01-23T22:32:00.003-05:00

I know January is almost over, but I wish you all a happy New Year anyway! There's still over 11 months left and you should enjoy those.

I'm not going to make a long post, but I just wanted to update.

It's my brothers birthday today.

I miss my friends.

And my parents are driving me crazy.

See y'all later.

Oh dear...

2008-12-27T19:02:00.003-05:00

It seems I'm not very good with blogging consistently. :oops:

I don't really feel like talking about what's up in my life, so I'm just going to keep this tab open for a while and write when and if I feel like it. It probably won't be a very sensical post, but who really cares.

The year draws to a close. It has been an interesting year, full of changes, blessings, and so much else I cannot begin to describe. In some ways I am sad to see it go, but in other ways I look forward to starting anew. To entering this new year with a new life. For I have changed drastically over the past 12 months. I'm not the same person anymore. I'm not exactly sure who I am. All of these sudden changes have left me quite discombobulated. I have made friends and lost friends. I have lived and loved and lost. I have laughed and I have cried. In fact, that latter is rather a big deal. For years I could barely cry. I was too numb and disconnected. To cry means that I can truly feel again. It is a relief, though it makes it harder to hide from pain. And there is pain. Much of it. I do not pretend to be perfectly okay. I have failed. Even since my last post I have returned to old habits. I have found myself lying on the floor again broken and tired. But there were differences in those times. I had hope. And it kept me going. It kept me trying. And I made it through the year. When I came so close to never getting through the first month of 2008, I still stand here, drawing to the end of December and I am still alive. I cannot tell you how the next year will go. For all that I know I may die in a car wreck before New Years, though I hope that is not the case. But no matter what happens, I made it this far which is far more than I expected. And, though the past few months have been hard, perhaps among the hardest of my life, I made it through. 2008, though it produced much pain and sadness, has been a year of miracles. And not only in my life. But I will not share a story that is not mine to tell. Yes, I still fear, I do not deny that. In fact, I fear very much. I know I should not, but over the past few months I have found more things, more people to worry after and I fear for their safety. That is an area I need work, and prayer in, learning to trust God with things and not worry so much after them. But it is, as of now, a downfall of mine. I worry too much about the people I care about. And DioM has provided plenty of those. Even everyday life as started sending people across my path. And I'm opening my eyes now. I'm taking a closer look at he people I have known for years and dismissed as people who I could never belong with. And I'm starting to realize that I might have judged too harshly and that many of them might understand far more than I gave them credit for. Yes, this has been a year of many changes. Some for the worse, but many for the better.

Recently I have started listening to the band Superchick. It is almost frightening how well some of their songs fit me. This one has been the theme song of my life lately. I've been going through a bit of a rough time and it has helped a lot.
Beauty from Pain

This song has also been an impacting one.
Stand in the Rain

And, though I fear judgement by some, I shall admit another secret. This song fits me as well, though it would have been more accurate last year and early this one.
Courage

My life has changed so much this past year...

This was a lot different than I was planning to make it, and I think I'm done now.

Until my next post. No galu govad gen. May blessings go with you.

2008-11-08T00:15:00.001-05:00

Life Sucks.

Returning

2008-09-14T22:49:00.005-04:00

It's been so long since I lasted posted. So much has happened. So much I could say... But won't. For one thing, I haven't the time. But I feel a desire to revive this, though I have a feeling no one reads it any more. A dead blog this is, buried in the back of busy minds occupied with other thoughts. I almost forgot it, but not completely, I have merely been to busy and too confused to write. But I'm able to again. Life has changed and I can breathe. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I can breathe freely. For that's what I am. Free. Soaring through the night on wings I had thought were long gone. But He had not abandoned me. Nay, I had hidden myself from Him. In my shame and fear I pulled myself away and convinced myself that it was He that had left. That I had been forsaken. And it took so much, it took so long, to realize the truth. And I nearly died.

For four and a half years years I have struggled with depression. I have hurt so badly. I have been so alone and afraid. I have been numb in the dark with no hope of the return of light. For almost four years I have been addicted to something to free me from that numbness, to release the anger inside of me, anger at myself and at the world that caused me so much pain and fear. Pain. The feel of a blade against my skin, the knowledge that I could feel something and the knowledge that my wrongs were being repaid twining into a cage of twisted desire, holding me captive. And I was a willing captive, if a frightened one. Hate bloomed in me. Hate for myself, hate for who I was, for who I had become. I despised myself and in my brokenness I only fell farther into the cage that was slowly tightening its choke-hold around me. Strangling the life from my weakening spirit. Nearly three years it proceeded such as I spiraled farther and farther into this twisted addiction.

In February of 2007 I discovered a book series by Christian fantasy author, Bryan Davis. The book I was given was Eye of the Oracle. I devoured it, my heart yearning for the caring Father I saw God displayed as to the characters. They seemed so real and the one seemed so much like me. When she danced with Elohim, I cried. So broken, I went searching for what I had seen. I found a forum for his books, Dragons In Our Midst, and joined it. By the time I was able to post I had seen nearly every part of the forum and I had hope that this was some place I could belong. My hope was right. A year and a half as of yesterday, the forum family has become my family and I feel as if there is the one place I truly belong. In joining I met a few people right off, one of which I am speaking with on IM at this moment. An Angel in human skin. Meeting these people and seeing the love and reflection of God first hand impacted me strongly. Somewhere along the line I decided I wanted to be like them. Despite having grown up in church and a Christian home, the way they loved God was something I never remembered having seen before, something I had never felt. I wanted it. For a while I improved. In September I was struggling and I told three of my friends what was going on. They were magnificent and stood by me through everything. One of my closest friends, Feastel, asked me timidly if I would mind talking to another friend of hers who had struggled with the same thing in the past. I agreed. Even in my desire for pain, I was still afraid and a part of me still wanted to change. As I got to know Are, Feastel, and my other friends better, that part of me grew. I wanted to be free of this, but at the same time the cage walls grew tighter and thicker. The chains holding me seemed to grow heavier and weighed me to the ground, though I longed so much to fly with my friends.

Come January I had reached a point of desolation. In my heart I knew I would never fly. A confrontation with my two closest friends pushed me to the edge. On January 18 I nearly killed myself. But I made it through the night. And told my friends. In what followed Are told her mother, who took control of the situation. My parents were alerted, to what had almost happened. But it was left at that. Things remained that way for a while. I continued to fall into the trap I had woven for myself. I continued to fear and to hide.

May came and things seemed to be going wonderfully. I was going to be meeting Are and Feastel in person for the first time and I was so excited. But the same thing that kept me trapped in the cage trapped me there as well. Unable to get past the chains, I wasn't able to fully enjoy the time with my friends. And I blamed myself. I was miserable upon coming home. In the next week I hurt myself twice. I told Are and Feastel what was going on and things went downhill. Are's mother was alerted once again and this time communication with Are was cut off until July. It ripped my apart, but in an effort I resisted for nearly a month and a half. In June I got to know another friend, ValaVanima, much better. We had met the year before a bit after I had joined and she had been told about me not long before the gathering in May, but we had never had the chance to grow that close. That June and July our friendship took off after a few conversations. In a matter of a few weeks we grew extremely close. In August I went to stay with Are's family for the month. Though I shan't go into detail, I'll say that it was hard. Very hard. I hit low points I hadn't hit in a long time. My last Thursday night there I lost the battle. I struggled for a long time before giving in, but I wasn't strong enough to win the fight. When Han found out what happened, she told her mom. Once again my parents were informed. In terror I wanted to run, to flee. I didn't think I could get though what was ahead. Additionally, my communication with ValaVanima, who I had been relying on during that month for fear of burdening Feastel, was cut off. I crumbled inside, what little was left of my fighting spirit dying within me. I wanted to follow. I longed to let go. But I had made a promise. I had promised ValaVanima that I would hold on until I saw her again. She needed me as much as I needed her. I knew I couldn't leave her. Even though I believed Are and Feastel would be fine with only each other, I knew that ValaVanima needed me. So I held on. I returned September 2, cowering in fear. I knew that I would not be able to avoid a confrontation with my parents for long. But it didn't come that day. On the way home ValaVanima called and I talked to her the entire time in the car. It was a Tuesday when I got home and she was going to be coming to stay with me for a week that Saturday. I just had to hold on until then.

As I'm writing this now, I suppose it's clear that I managed to. The Friday night before we left my dad tried to talk with me about the cutting. But I didn't let him. In my fear I panicked and pulled away. He finally gave up and left. The next day I forced my sister to come along in the car to pick ValaVanima up so that I wouldn't be faced with riding in a car alone with my father. It held off the conversation and then my Vala was here. The week was amazing. We were busy beyond belief, but we still had time to talk and enjoy each others company. I was happier than I had been in a while. But still the bars of my cage choked me, drowning my attempts for joy. Finally Thursday night, two weeks exactly after what happened at Are's, I found myself there again. I stood on the edge of the brink. The day that been hard I had nearly run away that evening. It was that bad. So that night after getting offline I went to see ValaVanima where she was chatting with some friends on Facebook. I acted all go-lucky-happy and she never suspected a thing. But when I got downstairs I collapsed. I lay curled on my bed for a bit. I had become completely numb. After a few minutes I got up and put on Whispers in the Dark on the stereo system pretty loudly, just trying to drown out what was in my head. It didn't work all that well. I found myself kneeling on my bed, a pair of scissors clutched in my hands. I held them for the fist time through the song, just staring at them. Then I dropped them, pushing them away to arms length. I stayed like that, curled up in a ball, staring numbly, for the next two times through the song (it was on repeat) and half way through the third. By that time I was losing what small control I had left. I lifted the scissors and gripped them tightly. I was on the brink, but still trying to resist. I opened them. Then closed them again. Opened them. Closed them. I wanted so badly to feel the pain, but I was resisting. During the fourth time through the song I nearly did it. But I stayed stronger than that. I closed them and gripped them in my hands so they couldn't be seen and just sat there, frozen. All the while through my mind had been running scenarios. I heard the voices of my friends telling me over and over that I was worth more than this. I could hear them telling me that they loved me. That I didn't need this. That I could be free. I saw them as they were. Loved by Him. Beautiful. Free. I looked at myself. At all that I hated. As I pried down beneath the surface I realized something. The only difference between me and them was this. For the first time I saw the cage clearly for what it was. A flimsy web of lies and hate. For so long I had blinded myself to it, allowing myself to believe that I wasn't being trapped, but that what I feared and hated was part of myself, not the captor that had trapped me. But I saw the truth. And I saw the door. It stood wide open before me and without I could see my friends, their hands outstretched to me, calling my name. And I could see Him. Waiting there. Waiting for me. And I was so afraid. But I looked inside again. I broke, the deadness falling away and I finally was able to see what was left of the part of me that I once was. The part of me that is able to love and be loved. I saw her. And I allowed myself to become her, even though I was so afraid. And even though I was so scared, so terrified of leaving... I did. I left the cage.

And I'm free.

For the first time in years I'm free. I can feel and smile and love. I now know that I am loved, that I am not worthless, and that I am not alone. I have so much yet to learn, but all of that I know. And I'll have help learning the rest. He's there and so are all of my friends. It's a long path and I know it's going to be so hard... but I'm not going back into that cage. I am NOT! It tried to take me back the next morning. It tried to drag me back and capture me once again. But I'm still free. I didn't let it win. I am still free. He saved me because I finally stopped running and let Him. And I am free! I cannot even begin to describe how amazing it feels to be free after so long! How it feels to be able to breathe. But I am free. And he can't have me back!

I don't know if I was ever actually saved before, but that night might as well have been my spiritual birthday. From now on I will consider it such. It was the night I was saved. It was the night I was set free. And I am free. Forever free! And I can only fall to the ground and thank Him for saving me. I can never thank my friends enough for sticking with me through it all. I am so blessed. And so grateful to be alive. When I have come so close so many times, I can only shiver in gratefulness that I was given this chance to live. To truly live. For the first time in so long. There have been struggles already, attempts to drag me down again, but I'm leaning on Him and letting Him be me strength. I'm still scared, I still feel alone at times (the night after ValaVanima went home was pretty tough), but I //know// that He's there. And I know I can get through this. I know I can make it. Through Christ, all things are made possible.

I feel like jumping, skipping, dancing, crying... It's so overwhelming and beautiful.

I have yet to talk to my parents about everything, but I know now that I can make it through this. I know that He's with me. I know that I am not alone.

Well. I never started this out intending to write all of that, but I felt that He was telling me to. That He was telling me it was time to come out of hiding and face the light of day. My sins have been washed away. The filth made clean. I have no cause for shame. My only concern now is that my life from this point forth be focused on serving Him.

This is my history. This is my testimony. God has saved me from the person I was and made me new. The person in the paragraphs above is no longer me. I am His child now and no old guilt can be held above me. My soul is clean. Washed in blood that has saved me as my own never could. To quote a bracelet from a dear friend:
Creation
Corruption
Catastrophe
Confusion
Christ
Cross
Consummation
My spirit has been set free. My wings have been unbound. He is shaping me to His purpose and I will be more than I ever could have imagined. I can fly. I can breath. I am free.

I am a Vala in Shaping.
I am a Child of God.
I am a Christian.
I am Forever Free.
I am Never Alone.

Cut me down

2008-07-24T00:53:00.004-04:00

What do they want from me? Every thing I do is wrong to them. Another failure. Another mistake. Can I do nothing right? It's not even worth the try. Why bother. Cut me down, make me bleed, kill me slowly from within. It's nothing that hasn't happened before.

I need to get out of here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d7VvkZY3VVk

Sisters & Giggles

2008-07-16T18:04:00.010-04:00

And again life has taken a turn. This time for the better. I am no longer torn apart. What I was missing has returned and while things are not yet quite the same as before, I have hope that someday they will be. And in twenty days I should now for sure and if my hopes follow through I pray that I will feel truly whole again.

In twenty days I am going to MI to spend a few wodnerulf weeks with a beautiful Angel. It will be so near to perfect. Only two things could make it any better and I think if I got those two I would explode. But still, I wouldn't really mind exploding if it meant I could see Ema, Hannah, and Lisse all together again before I died. :P So maybe we could try it next year. Hehe. That would be splendid fun! But this year will still be beyond perfection! I love Áre so! I can't believe I'll be seeing her again in less than a month! And for so long! It nearly unfathomable! *shivers in delight* What wonders! *closes eye and dreams* To spend every day with her and to not have to leave even when night falls. To not have to leave for over three glorious weeks. Oh... How marvelous it will be! I cannot even begin to describe it! Nay, I cannot even truly imagine it. It cannot be imagined. I will not even try for imagination could never do it justice. No, instead I will dream and wait. It is not too far off. Twenty days is a mere blink compared to May and though there will not be two Angels there, I would wait twice the length of May's wait to spend even a week with my Áre!

I really am exceedingly lucky. I have the most marvelous friends anyone in the world could ask for. And the most beautiful. ((If I hear a word of protest from any of you, pokes will be forthcoming!)) My Sisters are so incredible and I have the best big Sister ((Ema: Big Lisse!)) in the world.

Speaking of Lisse, she truly is splendid. I fell in love with her ((Not that way, Libby!)) the very first time I met her and every time I talk to her, everything new that I learn just makes me love her more. *hugs Lisse tightly* She's truly amazing and despite what might be said, I need her very very very much if even just to make me laugh when I don't want to smile. And she's incredibly good at that, I might add. I might have to hire her as my jester once I become world ruler. :* I admit I'm a bit jealous though. She certainly got the long stick in some aspects of life. After all, not everyone gets the lovely looks, the stunning smile, and the incredible personality. *shakes head with a sad expression* I guess the rest of the world just missed out on the splendid genes all my Sisters got!

*giggles* I have the oddest feeling I'm going to get poked for some of the content of this post. But it's all true! No matter what anyone says! Besides, God agrees with me. Are you going to argue with Him? Hm??? Didn't thank so. *smiles sweetly*

*rolls eyes* I have gotten exceedingly silly the past couple of days! I blame it on Lisse! She made me too happy. <_< Then againg, it's also due to the return of something I was missing very much, so I can't blame it all on Lisse. *sighs* What a shame. She's so easy to blame. ((Kidding. :P))

And now that I have rambled, gushed, and adored I have quite run out of things to say! Dear me! I suppose that means I should end before I make a fool of myself. Well, farewell all my dear and faithful readers. *coughcough* Until my next post! *bows with a flourish*

No galu govad gen!

Breathing.

2008-07-11T11:32:00.004-04:00

And the world yet spins. My life has been so crazy this past month that it's almost a miracle. But the world does not seem to care if my life has turned upside down. But perhaps that's a good thing. While things have not yet changed, I'm learning to cope. I'm living my life, I'm laughing, I'm singing, I'm even happy a good part of the time. But still I can always feel what's missing. The hallow ache in my chest when I see a picture, see a name, a phrase I wish to share, but can't. This happened to me before. Years ago. But this time it's harder. This time the ache feels somehow larger, even though this time I have else to help heal the emptiness. But it isn't the same. I'm here, alive, happy. And yet, I'm not. A portion of me has been torn away and I still await its return. Will it ever come? And if it does indeed return, can things ever go back to the way they were? The hallow inside has widened, the absence on my Heart causing damage, tearing apart what held it in. And now, if it returns how will it fit now that the hole is so much larger than before? And with each memory, each joke, each reminder the hole widens and I fear that soon it might never be able to be repaired and that even if it was to return, nothing could make it fit like before and that slowly, but surely it would slip away with nothing to keep it where it belongs. But would that be better? With the fragility of my nature would it be better to let go and let it be held by others? But how could I? How could I continue knowing that it was lost to me forever? Even with my other half still remaining I do not think I could ever be whole again and the hole inside would only widen until it consumed me and I lost myself entirely. No, I cannot let go. But still I fear. What if I have lost it already? So far away. So long gone. What if it does not wish to return? Or what if it cannot? I could not force it back. And perhaps that means that I must indeed let it go. From what I have seen it does not seem to suffer away, so perhaps that is what is best. To let go. But for now I cannot think of that. Unless I am told to let go, I will not. But still I bleed and that I cannot stop. Even when I laugh in real happiness a part of me still cries. I am not whole. I pray I might be one day, but I do not know. For not I just breathe. I breathe and try to act as if nothing is missing. I smile, I laugh, and I pray for its return. But all I can do is wait.

Well...

2008-06-18T21:58:00.002-04:00

Qute a bit has happened since my last post. Little of it explainible. Certain things have not changed yet, but others have. I've been spending more time with God and it's been invigorating. However, I still miss my Heart and am still awaiting it's return.

I'm planning on starting a forum. One for a spetacular book I'm reading titled Lies Young Women Believe: And the Truth that Sets Them Free. I'm waiting to hear back if it would be a problem, but it should hopefully work out.

Last night was a real relief. I'm often plagued with nightmares, but last night, though my dream was strange, it was not unpleasent. I do believe I have Ema to thank for that as she tells me she requsted it of Him. So thank you, Dearest.

As my computer freaked out the other day I'm finishing this up while on the phone with Ema. I suppose I'll post it soon. There's really nothing to say.

Ai maer. No galu govad gen.

Through Moonlit Eyes

Scoop of Life, Feb 9

Lack of honesty

3 am

How far I've come.

I'm tired.

I missed five days.

So much to do today.

Only a few more days

Mother's Day

Blood of Beasts

Trying something new

I never

Well then.

Thinking

I just don't understand.

Camping

Initial Thoughts of a New Age

Brief update...

Farewell ' 09

Flyleaf and a Mirror

Well...

Quick post...

New Book by Bryan Davis!

Skillet's new songs!

School's out!

No Pain, No Gain

Again...

Grrrr!

Dunno

Sorrow lasts through this night...

Lonely/Grateful?

Song of my life

Oops I did it again...

"Children's Play"

"Origin of Mistrust"

"Black Panther"

"All I Want Is A Breath"

"Green"

Happy 19th of April! :P

Irony is my life.

Boredom does exist.

Meh.

*rambles*

"The Laundry Man"

Gibberish

"The Unaware"

Interesting day.

"Singing Freedom"

"So We Decided To Fly"

I forgot!

Rambling again...

CP Squabble April 9-15

Going on again.

Blek.

Rambling

New Look!

CP Squabble April 2-8

:oops:

Random Video

Why?

First post of April

A Short Story!

Ren dresses!

Busy day...

*sighs*

...

I don't even know...

Random Evanescence Cover

<3

Almost done.

Mleh

I tried...

New Story!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Drama

*humming*

Another post just for the sake of it.

*shrugs*

I don't know.. I just feel like posting something.

rambles

sighs

humming

shrugs